Wow

I've not really been thinking all that hard about my move to SF. It'll just come out in bursts when I'm talking to people, I just realize all the things that are going to happen and they just kind of burst out. But then, I feel bad because I realize I'm leaving all these amazing people behind. If I could I would take every single one of them with me to SF. It seems that my life is keeping constant with it's cliches. It seems like I've finally found a way to reach out to people and have really solid relationships, like the people I'm with are even more solid than before and I've met some new people too, but now I'm moving. I'm just starting to find that utopic summer, that ideal group of people and memories, and I'm leaving it all behind. It makes me really not want to go, but I know that my future is out there, and I can't get the same thing here, so I just have to keep telling myself that this is an adventure, that this is going to be difficult, but it's going to be amazing too. That ahead of me isn't oblivion just because it's unlike anything I've ever done before, it's memories waiting to happen. I may not be around the same people anymore, but that doesn't mean they've ceased to exist, or be important. What with the internet, it'll be really easy to stay in touch.

It's a tie between Scout and my cats as to who's going to be the hardest to leave. (This is a compliment Scout, I swear.) Even if scout and I haven't been in as much contact, she's still there. Every time I go by her house I think about her, I smile. Or if I go past the mall, or a bowling alley, or anything and everything that reminds me of her. And then there's being able to out of the blue, hang out and talk and be together, I don't know how I'm going to handle not having that. I know no one is ever going to be able to replace her either, and I wouldn't want anyone to. If there's one person who shaped me in to who I am today, it's her. I say that with complete certainty. She's always been my hero and my idol, to the point of being a wee bit creepy. I know we'll be friends forever, and no dessert or sea of mormons is going to change that, but I still wish she could come along. Partly for selfish reasons, but also because I think she's far too amazing a mind to be held in a tiny little town like Arvada. If she wanted it, she could have the world on their knees for any number of reasons, be that her intelligence, her talent, her beauty, her resilience, her kindness, her boldness, I could go on but I really am trying to be less creepy about how rad I think she is. Basically I'm gonna miss the fuck out of her and if ever she wanted to get out and abroad I'd offer her a room in no time. Jude can sleep on the couch -3- In any case, Scout, you are the absolute most amazing person I've ever met, and my best friend in the entire world and I will never leave you, or not be there for you, or not care the world for you, regardless of how much space is between us.

In other, less interesting news I have three whole boxes packed and I've managed to stop having existential, nihilistic crisis every night when I try to go to sleep. Or at least I've gotten them under control, I can divert my thoughts to some place else pretty well. I'm really not very good at packing, I don't really see what needs to be packed. I need someone to just sit in my room with me and point to objects so I can decide if I want to pack it, sell it, or keep it  around at the house for nostalgic porpoises, but I feel like asking anyone would be too sad and I'd probably end up crying. I really want to drive out to SF too. It just seems right. Hopefully I can get things worked out with scout.
I also really need to plan my going away hoopla's. I'm kind of at a loss as to what to do. Ugh. Thinking about all this too hard makes my head hurt and makes me sad. I just felt like I should write some of this down for posterities sake or what the fuck ever. I'm gonna go take my meds and pass out now I guess.

I Needed That

Today was paradoxically a fantastic monday and a breath of fresh air after a long shitty weekend. Suddenly a whole bunch of people reached out to me, to chit-chat and to proposition hanging out in the future. I had been consumed with questions of my self-worth all weekend because I was getting nothing from trying to talk to people. I guess I do just have to look in different places than what I usually think of, I'm so afraid to go out of the bounds of what was once a very safe few people, that I'm not seeing all the other radical people around me. Also I feel like I got some things done, rather than just sitting on my ass all day, even if it was just sending off my graduation announcements. I need to go to the bank tomorrow, and the grocery store, but I think it was nice to more or less ease in to doing stuff, because I've got quite a lot to do now, in order to get ready for moving.
I was feeling pretty confident so I tried my luck asking Aidan to hang out. She was just hanging around so I went over to her place and just hung out and watched her and Darian play vidya games. Her mum made a tasty motha fukken dinner and I got to watch Darian play through the Deadpool game.
Also the art I did for Folk-Punk was super nifty looking, and she loved it~ That really gave me confidence boost, sent me off with a smile for sure.
Anyway I'm going to either go draw something or look for laptops for college. Just thought I'd put a happy post up here for a change of pace.

I Just Can't I Guess

God I just feel like a fucking door mat. I'm just the slut people fuck until they can date someone. Fuck guys. Why the fuck do I have to be so fucking stupid and sexual all the time. Why can't that just be an okay trait of my personality? Instead it just gets me a few fucks before I'm left in dust for some girl who knows how to keep it in her pants. I can't just cut out that fucking part of me though, it's the only thing people actually take interest in anymore. I know I have more to offer to people, but no on cares about those parts, or if they do, they certainly do a shit job of showing it. I want to say that I've been trying to reach out and try to hang out with people but I know that's bullshit because I don't know how to do that. I literally can't just ask someone to hang out. I have so few times, and every time I get rejected. Just tossed to the side. Half the time they don't even fucking bother with telling me they "can't" I just don't even get a response. The only person who's really had fucking anything to do with me for the last week or two has been arianna but I'm so afraid to text her because I know she's always busy. I can't handle people rejecting me all the time, with how little I reach out, the percentage of people turning me down is astounding. I wish I could be less of a useless shit and actually make friends or talk to people or be someone people want to actually talk to. Or at least someone anyone outside of three or four people want anything to do with. Maybe my therapist is right, maybe I just choose shitty people to try to be around. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, and no one will tell me. If no one tells me I can't fix anything.
I don't even know why this is so important to me, today when I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things I was so on edge being around people I could hardly stand it. People scare me and confuse me so bad, but I still want to talk to them, to know them, to be around them. But I can't. I just don't have whatever it is that makes people able to function normally. They can just have friends and make relationships and fucking call people on the phone like it's no big deal yet here I am, same species and all, sitting crying in my basement because I just can't understand any of it. Because another guy decided any girl other than me was better. Because my best friend doesn't even try to talk to me anymore and I just let them. Because I don't know how to do anything else other than let people make me feel like shit and give them everything I have trying to get them to like me. I can't even bribe people with food to be around me. And when they do want to be around me by some miracle I just... fuck it all up. Somehow. I just want people to like me a little.

I guess thank you Arianna and Aiden and I guess Max a little and Lorie for trying to be there for me even though I'm a huge stupid confused mess. That's all I think. I'm just gonna focus on crying.