Radical

Yes. Yes?
Sure why the fuck not. I don't even really have anything spectacular to report, just kind of felt like writing something. The past few days I've been going in to school to work on finishing my painting that I'm doing of a little lolita cat. It's really cute, but I'm kind of getting super done with it. I spose that's mostly because I've finished the interesting detail work on the cat and now I'm just doing the back ground. Which I had to re-do because the colour was too similar to the cat's dress. I like the new colour I'm doing, but I just want it to be done and home. I dunno how I'm getting it home either, it won't fit in my car, and I doubt my mum would let me borrow hers for a day. Maybe I can bring a saw in and cut off some of the border that needs to be cut off anyway. I guess I need to prep my arms for that tomorrow then. But hey, I want some more upper body strength anyway so it'll be good in the long run.

Ummmmm. Trey's still a douche, gonna try to build up a bit of dislike for him so I can have a healthier distance. Man that seems really fucked up when I put it like that. It's kind of sad that that's how my brain works with people, I'm either borderline obsessed with them or I have to find some reason to hate their guts. Maybe I really am a Yandere (Cute on the outside, crazy and obsessive on the inside)

My mom's boyfriend of three or four years broke up with her the other morning. She kind of took out some of her pain on me. I deserved some of it, I had things that she had asked me to do, but I'd not done them yet. But she said that I only cared about myself. And that it wasn't my depression keeping me from doing things anymore. I mean, part of me really just didn't feel like doing things, but I think she was really mean about the way she put it. She has such a huge desire to mold her kids into her image of a perfect adult that she can't handle the reality that she's raised a pair of self-serving, vain, lethargic, sometimes cruel, generally fucked up kids. But that's what you get when your parenting is inconsistent, varying between wrathfully strict and lovingly light handed. I've learned to fear her, to be wary of her, and most of all to ignore her until her mood changes. She's trying so hard to cram an entire childhood's life lessons into a few months and all it's doing is making me want more and more to be out from under her smothering thumb and on my own.

I'm pretty sure the prozac isn't going to help me. Honestly at the moment I feel like I should just learn some coping mechanisms and get off medication if I can help it. I know I have depression, but what if I'm just an angry, sad person normally? That's kind of how it feels.

I'm feeling majorly light headed, so I'm gonna go maybe lay down or drink some water out in my garden or something. Fuck.

Continuing Stuff in Private

"Max, after insisting he doesn’t only hang with me for sex, invited me to hang out. We didn’t have sex, that’s not the reason that sucked. After watching about two star trek episodes, he tells me something along the lines of “I don’t want to be kicking you out, but I want to do something other than sit on the couch today so I’m gonna go hang out with Brandon.”

Because you couldn’t have possibly said, “Hey Ali, let’s go do something other than sit on the couch today!” It’s not like the way you put it made me feel like shit because you are constantly making plans with other people while we’re already hanging out, implying that I’m an entirely uninteresting piece of meat only around for filling your need for female contact until you can go off and do things with your actual friends that you’d much rather be around."

So that's pulled from my tumblr today. Pretty much still how I feel. And I let max know, in lighter terms of course. He said he was sorry, but he just assumed that I wasn't going to be comfortable in social situations. Really? That's not something you assume, that's something you ask. He already acts like I'm this little pathetic awkward puppy that can't do anything on her own. I have some anxiety, yes, but I can go out in public you ass-hole.

He also thought it would be great to say that he was gonna feel really bad about things because he upset me, which should make me feel empathy for him, right? However it's likely coming from the side of him that needs female attention. I could be totally wrong, but that's just how it feels to me.

This morning I was upset because getting people to hang out with me is like pulling teeth, but this just made it worse. Not only is it impossible for me to hang out with people, but when I do hang out with them they don't actually want to be there. 

A Pain in the Ass

So a few days ago I got a call from an acquaintance of mine, it was during a rain storm and they sounded like they were crying, she asked me to pick her and her girlfriend up. This wasn't a problem, and it was pouring outside, it would be a dick move to just let them sit out in such awful weather. When  I picked them up I assumed they needed to be dropped off where I'd given them rides too before, this was not the case however. They told me they didn't have a place to stay. Th logical thing for me to do, as my mom and I had just talked about letting people crash with us, was to invite them to stay a night or two at my house. I wasn't a big deal, and I enjoy helping people out when I can.
We get to my place and I offer them food and drink and all that. Nothing out of the ordinary, seeing as they don't know where things are I make some noodles and the like for them. They get on my laptop and look at stupid videos on youtube and chit chat and everything seems peachy. We go downstairs to watch a film, but they mostly just talk, and I asked to turn it off so I could focus on my homework. We get pizza, they fall asleep, Normal crap. My mum, was home the next day but sent them off to the library when she had to run errands, I can understand not wanting random teenagers in your house with no one else there. When they get back, I'm already home. Their first thought is food. I offer up what we have, apologizing that I've not gone to the store yet. Rather than say something normal that you would say to a person who's housing and feeding you for nothing in return, the girl friend tells me several times that I should go shopping. They eat... quite a bit and then sit around doing... I don't even know. At this point my energy was way low, having been round people constantly. I wander off to do things in solitude. Again they fall asleep on the couch while watching Jude play video games. The basement is starting to smell quite rank, even though they showered that day. Friday comes, my mom told them the day before that since gradation is coming for me and things will be getting busy and we'll be out a lot they need to work on finding another place to stay. They ask me if I'm busy, I tell them I am. I have work to do and plans to go to "senior days" at my school, and work on credit recovery english. They still ask me to drive them someplace half an hour away. While I try to figure out if I have time for that, and give them some clothes that I don't wear any more (the girlfriend once again complains that they're not boy clothes. Shocker, I don't have boy clothes.) and they try to goad me into leaving. After my mom doesn't text me back I finally relent. It's a place for them to stay, and we're kicking them out, it's only right to get them to their next place. We finally get there, after a lot of guess work because they don't actually know her address or where she lives exactly we get there. I'm pretty anxious, losing time when I have things to do freak me out. They go to see her, and I wait, just to make sure everything checks out. What do ya know. She isn't there. They sent me on an hour long round trip, and didn't even think to check that the girl they were gonna stay with was there or was okay with them staying. We sat around for a half an hour as they tried to contact her on Facebook and figure out were thy could stay. At this point I just want to cry. Like I said, wasting time freaks me out really bad. I speed home. It's two. I have wasted three hours on some stupid goose chase. They apologize twice, and offer me gas money. That's hardly the problem and I let them know. So I pick up my homework and drive them to my school, which is 10 minutes away to drop them off and do what I need to do. Senior days seems like it's run its course just about, but I go inside to check in on english. She has me sit and work for an hour and I do little, because I really could do all of this at home. By the time I leave, even the inflatable slides that the school rented are completely packed up. No one is there. I sit in my car, unsure of what to feel. I pick up max and get a slushie and go home to try and forget about things.
I want to feel good that I helped some people out. That should be the reward in and of itself. But those girls were so annoying, so rude, so ungrateful, I can't even believe it. All they did was waste my time and put a permanent stink in our couch. I really feel bad for them because they don't understand how to couch surf, how to be runaways. You have to plan. You have to take every opportunity. But I think the most important thing is being polite to the people giving you freaking charity. It seemed like they just expected for people and places to stay to leap out of ground and give them their every need. They didn't seem to see that what my mum and I did for them was a lot. More than we needed to. I could have told them I was busy with math when they called and not given it a second thought. I almost wish I had.

Turns out he was really high and passed out in a park, so yanno. Not intentional. I wasn't to miffed about it this morning anyway so yeah. No grudges shall be help, but I'm keeping to the idea of fuck highschool boys cause srsly.

Fucking Really?

When will I finally learn that every boy in my highschool is a fucking prickish shit head and none of them are worth my time?
I messaged trey just to chat but he invited me to hang out, why the fuck not yanno? He tell me he's not at his house, but rather on a hill by our school. It's a big fukken hill, kind of a land mark and shit. I see no problem with this, who the fuck is going to walking that hill at 9 o clock at night? He'll be easy to spot. I drive the hill. Nothing. I text him and wait at the gas station at the top of the hill for ten minutes, at least. Nothing. I go back down and text him and wait a bit again. I drive back up the hill. It's been something like half an hour now. So fuck it. Fuck him. I drive home, marveling at my ability to cry and drive at the same time.

I fucking hate these immature little ass holes. Every single one thinks they are the absolute shit. That they're so hardcore, so cool, so funny. But they're not. Every single guy I've met this year has been an absolute, glorious, fucking dick. And they all can suck my cock.

Motivation

Well I found my motivator. Sex. Woops. Anyway the past few days were adequate. Cleaned my room. started on laundry. Had a small delay in plans but max came over today and that was great. After I dropped him off I went and chilled with Scout. I watched her play sky rim which was cool. She has a cold though which is not cool ;3; I hope she gets better soon~

Then I cam e home, Ordered some pizza I'm waiting on tumbl'd a bit. Then my Aunt Collet messages me. Dear. Fucking. God. I can't even begin to talk about all the things that are enraging with this conversation. At first it seems like a fine, normal conversation, she wishes me a happy graduation. Then it all goes down from there. The way she types is so painfully incoherent it takes me a full minute, if not longer to decipher what the hell she's trying to say and she uses ellipses in place of commas and half her spaces and some of her words. I can't even believe a grown woman in her fifties writes that poorly. Next of course comes the inevitable. Seeing as she is a part of my dad's side of the family, she has to admonish me for not contacting her. I tell her three separate times that it's hard for me to reach out to people and she completely ignores it. That just pisses me off because I am sick and tired of being told by grown-ass adults that I have to be the one to call them. Every. Single. Fucking. Person. In that family. Cannot even begin to comprehend the fact that a teenager, and pre-teenager, and child, does not have the mental capacity to keep involved in family circles. Yanno why I talk to my Grandma on my mom's side all the time? She calls. All the time. Just whenever. I chit chat, she tells me about her day, what's going on at her church and with her friends and then I tell her a bit about what's going on with me, if there is anything and it's great. But they just have to treat me like I have my shit together and can therefore be the carrier of our relationships. So yeah. I'm pissed. Because they can't seem to understand that popping up ever few months and complaining to me about how I never call them is going to make me call them. It just makes me angry, and that makes me want to call them even less, because I know when I do they'll just send me on a another guilt trip.
Woop and then she says "come hang out that's my invitation...surprisise us!!!" Did you not. Just hear. What I told you. I AM NOT GOOD AT REACHING OUT TO PEOPLE. I am a teenager about to go onto summer break. You are an adult who works as a flight attendant and therefore you have crazy fucking hours. YOU. CALL. ME. WHEN YOU ARE FREE. And I will try my fucking hardest to call you too. I always try. But I just can't. I hate calling you people. You're great when you aren't bitching at me for not being good enough. But I can't subject myself to all that shit voluntarily.
Ugh. No. I am not an adult. I am OBVIOUSLY. NOT. AN ADULT. I can't do this basic bullshit
I can't "prove" that I want to hang out with you, I can't I just fucking can't.

I Don't Even Know

I'm angry, depressed, asleep half the time, horny, anxious and afraid. I have a week left. A week left and I'm failing three of my classes that I need to graduate. My therapist and my mom both doubt I'll be able to do it. I doubt I can do it. I feel fucking pathetic. We went in a few weeks ago to try and get some help. All I got was my mom swooning over how "helpful" the administrators were and a huge blow to the tiny amount of confidence I have in math when I overheard my teacher and another talking about students trying to cheat their way out of work, and that if they just came in they'd be able to pass. I was there trying to test out of some math so that I could not have so much to try to do. He gave me last year's final. The final I'd already failed once. I failed it again. I left the room hating myself, almost in tears.

In English a few days ago I couldn't handle the fact that she was piling on even more work. So much fucking work. Right at the end. I was struggling trying to finish the makeup work I have. So instead of using the time in class we had to work on things I just laid my head down on my desk and cried as quietly as I could. I dug my thumbnail into my wrist as hard as I could. I don't know why, really. Simple imitation I guess. I wanted that supposed release pain brings. I guess I'm not capable of doing enough damage for that. I didn't break skin, the marks stayed for a few days. I left the class on the verge of joyous weeping, because I could leave. I could finally go. But I've not really left. I still have the same pile of work that I've always had. And I can't work as fast as I need to be working. I can't do it. I need to believe that I can but that's just so hard for me. I don't think I have anything left.

My therapist says that my depression has gotten a lot worse, despite doubling my medication. I don't like the woman who prescribes my medication. It's like she doesn't even hear me. Or like nothing I say is relevant. Can all this stress and work and expectations and failure just stop? Can't I just be left alone to waste away in a hole somewhere? Live out my life out in seclusion and happiness. Just someplace where I don't have to do all this shit? Where I don't have to jump through hoops. I'm not suicidal. But I'm afraid of myself none the less. I'm gonna go for a walk. Or maybe hurl some rocks. Rip up more of that fucking mint. 

Huge Shocker Time

Trey seems to have pretty much lost interest. I hope it's just because he's dealing with a lot of rough stuff right now. But of course part of me believes that the only worth I have in the eyes of others is being a hole to fuck until someone actually worthy of investing time in a relationship comes along. I know this is highschool, I know that the relationships now will likely be petty anyway, but maybe that's what I want right now. Something to put effort and emotion into, something to make me feel happy and desirable until I go off to college. Because right now my emotions tend to run more along the lines of listless, pathetic, and unwanted. But hey I guess these are just the social repercussions of liking sex, and not waiting to have sex. You become an easy fuck, nothing more. There's no reason to have a relationship if you've already gotten the main objective of that interaction.
It's easy to get laid, it happens without trying. Getting someone to actually like you is much more difficult. I'm apparently especially no good at it.