And so it Continues

Still feeling gross and lonely and shit. I'm also now suddenly stressed about the convention that is suddenly this weekend. I dunno. I just with I could have put something together for it. I thought I had more time. But alas, I fucking didn't. I feel too depressed to even sleep. I just want to sit and stare at things until my problems go away.

Edit:
I got an idea for a simple, cheap gijinka ampharos outfit. I just need a white hoodie, black long-sleeved shirt and some yellow fabric dye. I figure since I never wear my white skinny jeans I might as well put them to good use. This all makes me feel better, but it still remains that it's 11 o'clock and I'm still awake, and I don't feel tired at all. Man, school is gonna be ass tomorrow.

Bluh

I started taking my anti-depressants in the morning, and I dunno if this is just circumstantial or what, but I'm been getting kind of bummed out late in the evening. I dunno. I think I'll switch back to taking them at night.
Also really sweet gifs of couples kissing and junk and it's not helping my mood too much. Bluh.
Anyway, today it snowed like a motherfucker, but apparently the roads are okay (by my mum's boyfriend's standards) So somehow I doubt we'll get a snow day tomorrow. But if we did that would be the shit. Scout and I were talking about what we'd do and basically it'd be magic movie party time. Please school, please let there be a snow day ;3;

This weekend was pretty rad. On friday I hung out with Scooter all evening. I picked him up and we hung around and chatted. He showed me all his metal-ish music and I just kind of grinned and humored him and his claims of listening to "hardcore" metal. Gurl. No. Sorry but just... none of that is anything that I would even begin to label as hardcore. I mean the music wasn't bad, but I've fallen asleep to heavier music before. Anyway, I burnt the shit out of pot stickers for us, but they still tasted pretty good. Then I went to drop him off at a trampoline center thing, but ended up going along with him, andit was shit loads of totally un-graceful fun. Foam pits man. Never has there been a more awkward place to navigate through.

Saturday was a birthday meetup for some local lolitas. It was a huge one, fourteen people came, but we were split into a few smaller tables so it wasn't total chaos. The tea house that it was at was also a bed and breakfast, and it was just the loveliest place.~ The food and tea was all just so delicious. I sat at a table with Scout, and two other really nice lolis. Unfortunately this other awful loli that no one likes was sitting with us too, but she's really quiet unless she's complaining, so she was pretty easy to ignore. After tea Scout and I went to this beauty shop that had a lot of wigs. When I first walked into the salon part and saw that everyone was black I got really self-conscious though. I always feel like I'm going to accidentally be racist or something. Luckily people just thought we were cute as fuck, seeing as we were both still in loli. Two people took our pictures. One of them was this guy who "Saw us on the security cameras and had to check it out" and he posed with his arms around us. It wasn't creepy though, he just really thought we were adorable. Scout and I both got wig caps and false eyelashes. Hopefully the ones I got are short enough that I can wear them with glasses.

So now we're back where we stared. I hope school is closed tomorrow, the roads sound atrocious. But my district hates snow days, so likely we won't get one. No way I'm driving on the roads though. Sick day for me, yo.

Lots to Catch up On.

Well Thursday is the day I left off on, so let's start there.
Surprisingly enough I wasn't instantly put in an awful mood the second I saw a gaggle of girls with their gigantic teddy bears and roses and such. I certainly didn't enjoy all the romantic shit smooshed around in my face, but it didn't tip me into any crazy depressions or anything. At Pam's I let her know that I was going to start reading Scout's blog again. She seemed a bit nervous about that, but honestly I think it's better for me to know what's going on with my best friend than sit with my head in the sand hoping that I can make up for that with my awful communication skills. On the way home from therapy I stopped by Scout's house, because she said she had something for me. She came downstairs with this lovely bouquet of blush-pink tulips and sunflowers~! She said that she didn't want me to be sad on valentines day, it was the most thoughtful thing, I feel like I didn't even thank her properly. Then she also gave me a little pearl necklace on a gold chain. She'd bought a diamond one at the same time from the same antique shop, so she said that they were like friendship necklaces. The second I got in my car and was able to but the flowers down I put it on and grinned to myself for at least a minute. I left when I realized it'd be really creepy if she came outside to go to her appointment and I was still sitting in front of her house. Then later, much much later, Arianna and Miranda picked me up and we all went to Fascinations for something of a single ladies night out I guess??? I was finally able to spend most of that $40 gift card that my mum got me forever ago. I got some purple silk rope (It's the best) and a short crop with a spade shaped head(?) After that we went to Denny's then parted ways. It was a really great evening, and I was super glad to see both Arianna and Miranda again. Though I must say, in a group of fine ladies, all of whom are single, in a sex shop, and attracted to women, the "joking" but actually completely serious flirting that was happening was just in such painful quantities it was preposterous. Goodness Gracious.

The next day I had off from school, which was fantastic to have a bit of a break. In the afternoon I texted Scout to see if she wanted to go shopping and we did~ We met up at the mall and it was awesome to see her again, for longer than a few minutes. She had just left her mom's house, to live with her Dad, and she seemed really happy. I was glad to see her spirits lifted. We got matching Supernatural shirts, and just generally had a good time. We then went out for burgers and talked about her leaving and about our feely feels and all that. We've not talked about that for a really long time, and it was kind of good to hear Scout talk about her personal problems and such. I ended up tailing her to her Dad's to spend the night and we got ice cream and soda and popcorn and this really freaky movie and hung out and took her brother to a party and made incredibly long run on sentences. In the morning when her Dad and Step-mom were talking to Scout about what had happened I was just so blown away by how nice and understanding they were being. I really think staying with them will be a good thing. And when I asked my mum she said Scout could stay at our place if she ever wanted to as well. *0*

Any way I spent the rest of the weekend in solitude or hanging out with my mum. On monday and tuesday evening we looked at glasses frames. I found some I like at Target, but on the whole they were kind of mediocre. Oh, and I explained the whole neck beard/"nice guy" phenomena to my mom over dinner one night, it was great X3 On Monday I went shopping. My first stop was to Joann's, to take advantage of their president's day sale. I got a lot of embroidery thread and some needles, for project that I have planned. I was wanting to take up a hobby to cut down on my internet time and embroidery has come out as my favorite option. I'm going to start out small, but I want to work my way to thread painting~

Anyway today was pretty average. Eliseo got back from his suspension finally, it was cool to have him around to chat with again. I finished up season 5 of Supernatural. All of my what. And I got about a third of the way done with the wrapper for Michelle's "Cunt Muffin" pillow, I wanted to keep going, but it was late and my left hand was sore from gripping the embroidery hoop so hard. I should be asleep already so I can get up early to go take a picture with the GSA for yearbook. But I just... don't want to. I don't even want to go to lifeguard training, but I skipped once and I missed a lot, so I guess I should go. I know all the GSA people are gonna gripe at me for not being there, and I'll probably regret it later, but I guess I'm just done with them right now, and goodness knows I respond so well to their guilt tripping, like I do with it from anywhere else. Anyway, I'm actually hella tired no so I shall be off. Goodnight.

Huge shocker, I'm feeling depressed again. I'm in English class right now, we're supposed to be writing an essay about Kind Lear, but I can't move myself to do something productive. I have this drawing that I want to do for a pin, and I'm really liking it so far, even though it's not very far yet. I just want to go to the bathroom and curl up in the corner and try to hold myself together for a few minutes. I'd go home, but I've missed a lot of school this semester, I just need to keep going. The rest of my classes are easy and such, so I can do it. I have a lot of food at home to eat and maybe there will be something good for lunch. I'm just typing to keep myself calm right now, so sorry if it's stupid rambling.
I'm excited for the birthday loli meet. I think it's this weekend? I've had my outfit planned for a month at least. I've done a lot of stuff lately I guess. But thinking back about all I've done just makes me think about how much time has passed and how my dad hasn't replied and how I don't see Scout any more and I miss her so much and I miss my dad, and I miss the happy feeling that I had for two weeks, but now it's gone and I'm just depressed again. This depression feels more poignant than anything before. I wonder if that's because I know what it is, or is it actually worse?
Are my airways closing because I'm a bit panicked or is it because my nose has been snuffly. Is it just my head band just making my head feel like it's in a vise. I need distraction, but this is quiet work time, and the second any distraction is gone the feeling comes seeping back. But it's so slow. I know it's coming but it just hasn't come yet. I just hurt deep in my chest and in my skull, in the very walls. I need to do this stupid project for english still but it's never going to happen, not with me as a leader. I can't get things done.

I don't want to be happy, it doesn't feel right. It feel unnatural when something distracts me and a smile tries to stretch across my face. I'd rather feel nothing, that's easy to feel, nothing is easy to understand. It's an emotion that I am familiar with. When I feel nothing I open up a hole in my head and let meaningless words drip out of my skull until my whole body feels numb or in gentle pain thanks to my body chemistry or some trick of the brain. I think I need to get up and leave for a second, just to get out of this environment and away from the computer and from this depressing introspection that I'm so good at. But I feel stuck. I feel like I can't move. I can't stop typing. Ugh here goes. Come on. Just get up, just stop.

Oh, people are talking about valentines day. It's lucky for me that I have therapy that day. It's just a day to remind me of how alone I am. I don't place a lot of importance of valentines day, even when I have someone to share it with. But I feel like with the increase of girls walking around with flowers and teddy bears and kissing boyfriends and other such tokens of emotional connection I'm not going to be very chipper. I'll just be reminded of how I don't have those things. As always, I ask why? What's unappealing about me? People say I'm pretty, that I'm intelligent and nice or whatever. Wouldn't that attract some one. Well I suppose I have attracted people, they just all happen to be less than desirable. Yanno, overweight, prematurely balding, creepily eager. Or there's the scrawny, greasy, socially awkward, deeply disturbing type. And those people make me feel so great about myself. That the only people interested in me are bottom of the barrel, as rude as that sounds. People date within their levels most of the time right? There must be something about me that attracts those types of people rather than anyone interesting and minimally adjusted. Class is almost over. Have to go now.

Sad I Guess

I shouldn't be though. I went out and hung out with people today. I helped Scooter feel better about a lame situation with his girlfriend, and we went and hung out with Eliseo who has a really cool mom, and it was really nice. But now that I've been home for a while, and I've wallowed around on the internet, and remembered some things that are gone, I just can't feel happy. I'm so lonely I can hardly even stand it. I keep telling myself it's just because I don't have a significant other, but that's only a tiny part of it. I go to school and I'm surrounded by strangers and half-friends who I'll never get to know because they don't really want to hang out, or they don't have the energy for it, or whatever reason they have for never getting to know me outside of school. I go home, and I'm in an empty house until six, or maybe the next day if my mom decides to not come home. While I'm home I'm on the internet or watching t.v. trying to glean some sort of half-contact from other living things. But it's never enough. It isn't the same as connecting with someone who's a foot away from you. You can't have the same sort of relationship with a person hundreds of miles away as you can with a person sitting right in front of you. Then, when I go to bed (early by most standards, nine or ten) I think about all the people I want to be with, but never will be. Because I lack the courage, because they aren't for me, because they're gone. And then I go to sleep, and I dream of people and things that I'll likely never have. I love my dreams though, maybe that's why even my nightmares don't scare me anymore. They're more than anything I could ever ask for in real life. In my dreams I can spend time with friends, I can be close to people I can't really be with. In dreams my stepmom can assure me that my Dad's just as scared as I am. That the reason he hasn't wrote back for three and a half weeks is that he's scared and he wants his letter to me to be perfect.

Why the fuck hasn't he written back? I finally do it, I finally reach out after two years. After countless cards from him on my birthday and holidays. He can't be doing this on purpose. Did he never get the letter? Did something happen to him? Did he not like what I wrote him? I'm so alone already, I don't want this to be happening. It would be so wonderful if I could just have this one thing. If I could just have my dad back. Maybe with him and my mom talking to me every once in a while I could feel like I actually have half a parent, hell, maybe even a whole one.

I just want to feel like I'm not the only living person in a ten mile radius. That I have people who care about me. And I know I do, it's just hard to remember that sometimes.

Whelp.

Well I hung out with Eliseo and his friends after school today and found out he has a girl friend. Of course. Because anyone I’m interested in always finds a better girl than me. Someone prettier, or funnier, or more sociable. But if someone does like me they’re either unstable or not at all attractive to me. I guess I’m just under the line of requirement for girls that attractive interesting guys want to date. I’m not worth their time except as a half-acquaintance, if even that. I just want someone to give my affection to for a little while. I don’t think I can wait until I get to San Francisco, I’ll have gotten so lonely and dead inside it’ll be forever until I even want to try to socialize with any one, for any reason. Jude and I will just sit alone in our apartment feeling depressed and watching anime together and smoking weed. Ugh.
Anyway, that was earlier today, and I've had some time to stew in imaginary magyks and supernatural so I feel better. I also ate a third a container of frosting. That probably helped with things. I don't think it'll be the end of the world if I don't date anyone. But my vagina might become sentient and rip itself out of my body to find fresher hunting grounds.

Though I am pretty good at getting one night stands. I guess that would be a good thing if I didn't also need some romantic affection every now and then. I guess people just don't see me as someone that they would want to get to know on a deep level. Or someone they want to spend time with. I can get that. My exterior is probably the most interesting thing about me. I can see why people wouldn't want to get to know anything deeper than that.
I don't really think I want to go to sadie's anymore. It'll just be me walking around awkwardly in a pulsing and gyrating room full of strangers who don't like me much. I kind of want to ask Arianna, but there are forms and shit we'd have to fill out, and she'd have to see my ugly self-conscious side, that I like to pretend doesn't exist. I really am feeling kind of not the best. I asked if Arianna wanted to come over tonight, but she's at a wedding party.
I kind of miss checking Scout's blog. And Scout, I'm sorry but my therapist said that maybe your blog wasn't the best place to get my information about your life from, because it hurts to see someone I love being so in pain and being unable to do anything about it. I still care, I'm still here. I just won't know every detail. I'd still like to talk about stuff that's going on though, I want to be around for you. So I need to remember to text you more and junk.
Anyway even though I ate a whole bag of popcorn I'm still hungry, so maybe I'll try to find something to eat? I don't really even know what we have in the house, except for foods that are really shitty for you. And all this feeling eating I've been doing lately is showing up a bit on my stomach, and it might be good if I at least ate one healthy thing today. I wish that the room with the treadmill didn't smell like cat piss, or else I'd try running a bit. Whatevers. Maybe I'll try starting Naked Lunch. Or try to draw maybe. I need to draw more, or else I'm gonna be fucked when I get to college.

Fricking Frick

I got Eliseo's number today. I asked if he wanted to hang out, but then he didn't reply, so I'm just sitting around drowning out my confusion with metal music. He was flirting back and forth with me and it was getting quite blatantly sexual. But I guess he wasn't really being serious like he said u-u I guess I cleaned up my room last night for nothing. I wouldn't have even been bothered if he just wanted to hang out and not do anything promiscuous, cause he seems like a really cool guy, and I'm bummed that I didn't get to know him sooner -3-
Really I'd just like to talk to anyone. Bluh. I'm just in a shitty mood I suppose. But I need to snap out of it, because I guess I have shit to do. I need to get stuff from Disguises, but I don't want to do anything at all. Except maybe eat my feelings, but really I don't even want that much. I really just want to know what lines I crossed with Eliseo, or what ever the fuck happened there. Maybe I could lay around in the fetal position for a while. Part of me wants to check the mail. But I don't think I could handle the crushing disappointment of there being nothing there like every other time I've checked. It's kind of hard to stay positive when everything is trending towards lame and shitty.

Good Weekend

My loli event at the butterfly pavilion happened last weekend. It was such a fun time, even if only three girls were able to come. It would have been more fun if Scout had been there, but she was grounded u-u
The rest of the weekend passed pretty uneventfully.
And today was pretty good too. Scout was at school which was really nice, I missed having her around. I also got a lot more work done on my cheshire cat. It's coming along quite nicely now that I have some other colours on it aside from purple, yellow, blue, and green. However, it's not as vibrant as I had hoped it would be, which is a bummer, but it is just a thing for a dance. Speaking of dry humping... heh. Oh no, but that does make me think of someone who's been on my mind like, constantly for a while now. I can't remember if I ever talked about Eliseo, but I've basically been lusting after him since the start of the school year, and it just keeps getting worse, because I'm talking to him more and we're comfortable enough around each other for that casual, conversational touching and messing around with each other. This has made my lady boner for him about a million times bigger. I swear my sexual frustration is like an ocean, and it's driving me to do crazy things like heavily flirt with him. Oh gosh. I flirted with him so hard today. It wasn't even subtle. With the way things are going I'm just going to grab him by the lapels tomorrow and tell him to fuck me. Which might work. Though he might have a girlfriend. Or be gay. Who knows. I've not had that misfortune yet, so it's probably my turn for something like that pretty soon.
But basically my mood has been "So horny I want to punch a wall" so there's not been too much of anything interesting going on.