I'm scared. I feel like insanity is at my doorstep, and on thing will send it crashing into the door of my mind. If this is how all teenagers feel, I feel sorry for them. Though I doubt they talk to their personas, and ask them for advice in situations. That's what mostly makes me think I'm going insane.

My mom's boyfriend is moving in. It's inevitable now. I don't want it to happen. I didn't mind when Sherry became a second motherly figure, I love Sherry, she's a fantastic person and anyone would be lucky to have her as a mom. But I'm very connected to my Dad, I always have bee, moreso than I am to my mom, or at least in a different way. I don't want someone coming into my life and breaking into his role. I don't want someone in my life doing the things my dad can't do for me everyday because he's miles and miles away. I don't need for my Dad to come back, but I don't want anyone where he should be in my life. Until now my mom's boyfriends have only been my mom's boyfriends. People for me to verbally harass, and glean benefits from. Sure, they've all be nice guys, but I haven't had to face living with them, at least not for more than spans of a few days. My mom's boyfriend has been nothing but nice to me too, he bought me my loli zombie outfit, he's driving me to school, and he'd probably do more if i asked him. But I just remember how my Dad will sometimes say that he wishes he could be there in the morning to make me breakfast, and to help me with homework 

Here, I broke down crying, then snuck out for a long walk. By texting a friend who gave me incredibly sound advice, I was able to calm down. I've decided that interacting with Kitty, Rabbit, and Goggs are acceptable forms of sorting through my problems or what have you. Of course, returning home made my tension and dislike of my mom's boyfriend flare up again, but I figure I can cope enough to make it through dinner tonight. Especially if my three darlings are willing to help. I think I'm going to start running more.

Insomnia

I know why I stay up late

It's for the gratification of the word

"Online"

When it's underneath her name

I smile, I feel fine

---

Herp Derp, poetry times. Not really anything srs, I was going to just write it in a paragraph form, but I guess my poetic muse was feeling lonely. Also, yeah, I know it's a crap poem, when I'm actually using my art as an emotional outlet, it tends to kind of suck. Funny concept I suppose. My guess is because my muse for everything I do is beauty. I just recently discovered/thought of this. All because my vocal teacher asked me what my purpose for singing is, and who or what my muse is. I'm really not positive what the answer to either question really is, but I do know that when I sing, I sing for the beauty of words and music, and whenever I try to imagine my muse, I think of something beautiful. So I figure my muse is beauty itself, or at least something that demands beauty to be created.

Wow, it is really difficult to write a deep blog entry when going back and forth between reading a new webcomic and it. You really lose your train of thought. I guess that'll explain why some of my entries are really disjointed, I have internet ADD. 

I suppose I should explain that poem of fail up there. So, I had an epiphany that I probably already figured out before this, but the reason I stay up late is because Kendra tends to get on gaia around midnight/one in the morning. We always PM each other back and forth, and of course I love talking to her, I have my inexplicable and very persistent crush on her. So I get online to talk to her, them I get distracted with other things and I end up staying online much later than she ever does. This results in a sharp mood swing for the worse, and I stay online even longer, to see if she'll come back online. Logging off when she's online wouldn't solve my problem, because then I'd just feel guilty/lonely and log back on again. So I suppose the only real solution is to get over her again, but I don't know if I can. As is painfully obvious here, she is very prominent in my mind. Not even in the same way as before. I'm not fantasizing about her every five minutes (for the most part) but she's just something there, like a presence. I'm so open to her about it too. I wouldn't dare tell any of my friends some of the things I've thought about them, but I've told Kendra that I think about her all the time, and that thinking about her helps me calm down and go to sleep. I don't know if she thinks I'm serious or not, but I've said before that I'm bad at making my feelings known, I cant just come out and say them, because I'm too afraid my words won't be right.

Also, I am making shepard's pie tomorrow. I have wanted to make this dish since the fifth grade. Needless to say, I am freaking excited.

Also, Kendra is spending the night tomorrow, and she will be helping me make said pie. Needless to say I am really freaking excited.

~Tentacle Cats make delicious meat pies... those poor tentacle cats.

New Family bonding time

Well I guess my mum's latest boyfriend is "the one." She says they aren't going to get married because marriage isn't necessary, but I beg to differ. At least on one point: when you get married you get married, and then everyone around you knows you intend to spend the rest of your life together. Namely your easily confused, already terrible with understanding romance, daughter. They got matching bracelets. I think my mum was trying to say that was like a wedding ring, but I really was focused on seeing Kendra at the time. The funny thing is, normally my mum is incredibly blunt. When my parents told my brother and I they were getting a divorce she just came right out first thing and said "Your dad won't be living with us any more" or something to that effect. I was nine, maybe eight, and I loved my dad more than anyone in the world. Even I remember screaming, so loud I thought the world would hear me. Hoorah subtlety. You'd think a teacher would be better at explaining things to little kids.

Uhm anyway, I guess that's what we're doing this weekend though, bonding with Dave and his daughters. I already get along fairly well with Dave, but his daughters are mainstream and in their twenties. Enter: Jude! Every child/young adult's favorite in-law! What? He has a sister?! Who'd have guessed! Oh, she's that weird girl that hangs out with the old people? Pish, screw her, she doesn't talk and thinks she so much better than us, leave her with the grandparents. Besides, we have JUDE!!! I am not even fucking kidding. This is how it's been since forever. My brother hangs out with all the people under thirty, and I hang out with anyone over fifty. Not that I object, I love listening to people's lives, I love hearing their adventures. And let's face it teenagers have suckish adventure stories. Besides, despite being a "young person" I have no idea how to interact with most people my own age. Unless they're nerds. And there are no other nerds in my family. I mean, there's my step-brother Jon, but he doesn't like me. I'll just stay in my corner being shy and mistaken for being aloof. 

I always freeze up in social situations. Like at dances, I find someone I know and I stick really close to them and I avoid dancing, even though I want to dance. And basically I have a miserable time being self conscious and a total bitch to my friends who are able to be less self conscious in such situations. It's pretty awesome. 

I realized something, hanging out with my friends is like crack for me. Not meaning they make me twitchy or whatever, but I get addicted to them. When I hang out with a friend I'm so happy while I'm with them, but then when they leave I go into this weird social withdrawal. I feel violently lonely, I get obsessed with seeing if anyone can talk on the internet, and I become prone to taking angst walks. It totally sucks, especially considering the fact that my friends aren't really the most social bunch. I see them the most during the school year.

Great, thanks to my mum's little shin-dig o' fun, I can't see Kendra tomorrow. Why oh why can't I be the rebellious type that walks out on dinner and doesn't give a fuck? Because I'm a pansy that doesn't ever do anything to upset  her dearest mother. 

Okay, frack, I'm just RAGEranting now. Well I suppose I am pissed, and I barely, and I mean BARELY, rant like this so... thanks I guess for existing.

~Tentacle cats will rape this new family reunion.

Ohmygawd... it's CLEAN!

Yup, my room is pretty much clean. I think it took a total of twelve hours to get it that way. I horde junk like a magpie hordes shiny things, you should see that bag of trash I have, and I didn't even go through my stuff boxes! Really what I'm most pleased with, is my artsy center, I have it all cleaned up and organized. Before it was overflowing with junk, and useless stuff, and... jelly beans. But now it's all in folders and boxes, hoorah! Though I still have to clean off some surfaces and put some things up where they belong. I haven't cleaned my room like this in a very very long time, probably over a year.

Soooo, I am loving my new jacket that I got from bodyline. It's kindof punky, with a lot of straps and buckles on it. It also has "fur" trim, bunny ears on the hood and something of a cat-tail on the back, and the sleeves and hood are black and red striped. God I love stripes, I swear I have almost every item of clothing in stripes. *ponders* Yup I do. Funny thing is, my mum hates stripes. Hurrrr I'm a unique flower.

Also, my grandma on my mom's side has been visiting us (She's the reason I cleaned my room) and the only thing I disliked about her staying with us was her insistence that I stay off the computer and go to bed at eleven. During the summer I am a night owl with an internet addiction, and while I know I need to start re-adjusting my schedule for school, I still want to at least stay up till 12, so I can talk to Kendra on gaia. Oh old christian women and their enema for technology and staying up late. But they are the best cooks, ever, srsly ohmygawd SO GOOD.

Oh and on a topic unrelated to grandmas, I finally broke up with Alex. I was worrying it was going to be some big deal like with Jared or Mike (I never dated Mike thank god, but I did have to dissuade him very harshly. He's more of a creeper than Jared, we try not to speak his name for fear he should think we might still enjoy his company.) But surprisingly enough it was completely painless. He said it haad to end sooner or later and that he'd see me when school starts. I could've flown I was so relieved. I did hit on Kendra a bit, which I guess is a similar side effect.

Speaking of Kendra, we are hopefully going to this huuuge costume shop on the twelfth, so that I can get stuff for zombie wounds, gold gloves, and gold makeups. (and anything else that is awesome) Hurg blurg, I hope there isn't some srs bsns zombie fan following that'll make me feel like an imposter. D:

~Tentacle Cats have fanceh jackets.

Herg Blerg

So I've been away for a few days. My grandma was in town visiting my aunt, so I decided to go visit them both. I really had a nifty time, I never get to see me grandma on my dad's side, and I'm always glad to get a chance to see my dad's side of the family. That's the sucky part of divorce, you don't get to see certain people you love as often as you'd like. Hurrrrrr so emo lately. I need to perk up before school starts.

But seeing my family was nice, we put together puzzles, and went thrift store shopping. Turns out my aunt lives really close to Scout's dad. Like srsly close. It was weeeeiiiiirrrd. I'm glad that I went.

Promptly afterwards I went to Kat's, because My brother was talking about having some people over... I wasn't in the mood for cowering in my room all night. But Kat's was fun too, we hung out with some of her friends and solved riddles. Then watched Will & Grace and Who's line is it any way, two of the best shows on earth!

Ermmmm, I also decided that I wasn't going to able to pull off the catwoman costume. Huurrrr Durrrr, months of planning for nothing! So instead I am making a zombie loli outfit. I think it'll be pretty win, if I do say so myself. I've already ordered the dress and shoes and stuff, now I just need to get lots of fake blood, maybe some lube, for added slick-slimeyness. and stuff that you make fake wounds with. It would be crazy awesome if I could have fake intestines hanging out of my stomach... but I don't know if they'd stay on. I could pull a Tyra Sanchez and hot glue them to me X3 Seriously, if anyone reads this give me some fake gore tips. PLEASE. I know I can fashion blood smears and shallow wounds, but I dunno if that will cut it. Meh, I'll just do a small scale test run and see what happens :3 If I can't stick the intestines to me, it'd still be fun to drag them around. Useful for pictures I'd think, I could nom on them. That's really what I'm freaking out about... how to act. I know I can't stay in character the whole time, when talking. Should I just try to shamble everywhere? I hope it won't be too big of a deal.

Also, I've been thinking about how to make this tentacle outfit. Scout started the idea, with this drawing of a girl with huge tentacle boob things. Basically there were really thick tentacles where her tatas were supposed to be. and I think I've finally figured some stuff out... mostly supporting them. I think they'd have to be put on some sort of halter-bra thing. And they'd have to be really light weight. Then I think the legs would just be a pair of long green socks or tights with tentacle paint on them. It would be cool if the fabric could come up to the tentacle bra. Then maybe I could get some green gloves, and paint the like tentacles. That's six... I guess I'd either do tentacle pig-tails, or tails of some sort... I wish I could get it done by the con, but I probably won't. Sad-face.

So I guess I've rambled enough about my plans for costumes, so I'm out.

~Tentacle cats approve of tentacle boobs.