Going to be Cutting it Close

As seems to be the custom every year around my birthday. Also, as is custom with me wanting to plan anything, my mother is suddenly realizing I don't do much around the house and developing an issue with this. I would respect this more if her fits weren't so sporadic and completely lacking in consistency. She was obviously unhappy about a request I made to go to a thrift store today, to buy plates and tea cups and things for my party this Saturday. I called her on this, and when I mentioned that I just didn't want for things to come down to the last second she blew up, saying that my cleaning was going to anyway. I think she missed my point which was that I didn't want to be dashing around to a million closed thrift shops on Friday night trying to get what we need. So now, instead of coming to a level headed agreement (something along the lines of: how about you clean tonight and we go to the thrift shop tomorrow? or vice versa) she has stormed off upstairs to brood. Not before, of course, vaguely pointing out messes of mine that she wants cleaned up before anything happens. This happens a lot. I realize I'm part of the problem, but I've actually been keeping up with my homework lately, and that's been taking my mind off of everything but homework, and keeping my brain from exploding from homework. I would use my grades to persuade her, but I don't think they're quite good enough for that.

Also related to my party, it seems that maybe two of my five (yes, I only have five) friends are going to be able to show up. It's just like last year, and the reason I never had a 16th bir -I broke into violent sobs here. Realizing that you won't even have a 16th birthday to tell your kids about some day is not a fun feeling. Then I realized that even if I have had some good times, I'll most likely forget them all any way. All in all it seems that so far my life has been rather painfully dull and uneventful on a broader scale. I am now feeling extremely apathetic.- To finish that earlier thought, no one could come to the party I wanted to have so it fell through and never ended up happening, ergo no 16th birthday. So yeah, I don't want this birthday party to as terrible/ non-existent as last year's. Also, for the interest of showing how my mind works and what it finds amusing, the whole party is meant to feel like a post-apocalyptic tea party. I even found the most amazing place out in the grassy hills just before the mountains. There are hollow concrete buildings covered in the most wonderful graffiti I've ever seen. and then beyond that some really tall, sharp hill made from old piles of dirt and a creek. In essence on of the most fantastic places I've been in a long time. That's one of the reasons why I want for this whole affair to work, and for people to take it seriously and not just show up in... whatever. I want to create a place out of my mind that's already so close to being real. I want to be an apocalypse survivor meeting her friends for the first time in years in a place that might once have been important to them all but is now just an empty husk. That is what fun is to me, I still want to play make-believe. Yet no one else does. They've all grown up and I'm left with all my imagination and all my naivete and no way to express it. When does all that go away? Why does it go away?







Well it seems I've completely lost any train of thought I had and have replaced it with a deep sense of melancholy. This happens often when my little dreams seem close to being crushed, and when they are crushed completely. I suppose I'll just finish my homework and make an attempt to clean something.

Well

I don't think I could have cocked that up any harder even if I'd tried. Not only did I get David in trouble with his mom for not knowing where he was, but now all of my friends know he spent the night at my house. They of course found this out from David's mom while she was trying to find him. What's best is that she actually went to Kelsey's house before mine. The universe strikes once again.

I suppose people not in my IRL friend group may be confused. The cryptic-type person from my previous post, the one who I should have just stopped pursuing, was David. The reason David's mom going to Kelsey's house is so terrible is because she and David used to date, and David broke up with her. I can't remember how long ago though, I am hoping there was at least multiple weeks between then and now, or else I'll feel like even more of a dick. After that, our friend group more or less shunned him, for kelsey's sake. But, at NDK, David and Kelsey were suddenly on ok terms. Seeing as he sits next to me in anatomy I talked to him quite a bit and we got to be friends again pretty fast. Honestly, everyone was glad to be back on good terms with David. But I don't think Kelsey will appreciate getting on better terms than that.

Also, I don't want anyone to assume that he and I did anything, because past cuddling, we didn't. We were rather chaste, any christian would have been proud. And thank goodness we didn't, or else I think my slight urge to throw up would have developed into full on vomiting and at this point periodic dry-heaving. I mean honestly, how did I even imagine that was a good idea? I let my need for some sort of physical contact get the best of me. And the funny part? That was actually nice. We we close the whole night, but I should have realized that it was just friendship and my need for contact doing something stupid with my head. When he asked if we were boyfriend girlfriend I said I didn't know, which is at least one thing to redeem my massive stupidity.




I kind of lost my trail of thought and did some other things. Closing comments, I'm going to tell David I made a mistake, hope Kelsey can forgive me, and fuck it all and die my hair green.

Pardon me while I go walk off all the accidentally.

Oh Wow

My desperate desire for a relationship ha kicked in a again. Cripes sake. Today I got in the car to go home from school and couldn't think of anything else but the few crushes I have. This of course led to large amounts of frustration, some depression, and of course our friend lust.  One of the crushes I should probably just abandon now, because I can't imagine any of my friends thinking well of me if I pursued it successfully. Another I should also abandon because I've heard bad things about their mental stability with matters of romance. And the last... I'm not sure if it could become anything like the sort of relationship I want to be in. The last also brings up social awkwardness, but not from my own friend-group rather from the other party. And yet my internal organs of various romantic and carnal involvement urge me on to pursue them all (excluding the one involving mental instability, drama -potential or otherwise- is so terribly unattractive)

Just Writing

That three day weekend was very nice, I think I'll miss having an extra day, I got so much stuff done. Though I'm still a procrastinator when it comes to school. In fact I should probably be studying for a Spanish test right now. But hey, it's not the end of the world. Besides I have tomorrow morning to do things as well. Tomorrow morning is also the try-out to be a part of the crew for the play. I really hope I can get something more than just grunt work. I would love to help design the costumes or sets. But considering I can't sew, nor do I really know what I'm doing with power tools. Really the only thing I have going for me is my creativity and eye for composition. I think I might wear something steam-punkish just to show my flair for old styles. I also feel like I should bring in some more of my costumey art. Sadly I don't think I have any more set/scene art. I like subjects more X3 In any case I really hope the new theater teacher values creativity, in which case I am (hopefully) a shoe-in.

Speaking of costumes, my ampharos is coming along splendidly. Scout helped me paint the suit (which was a lulzy affair) When I took the suit off I was covered in paint, it was pretty weird. But thanks to Arianna the ears are also (almost) done. The tail is the biggest thing now, and it's going to turn out a bit wrinkly I think, but that's not so bad really, because it'll be a really good shape and size, but still, it's a little bit disappointing.

The other thing that has me stressed is this single pimple... zit...thing that has decided to explode all over my lip. I'm not really used to acne, so it's really been freaking me out, because I didn't know what to do. Thankfully it's shrunk from it's original angry red glory to something a little bit more subtle, despite there now being a scab over it. I really hope it clears up by NDK, because that would just make me sad. I am vain as, if you hadn't figured that out already.

In other news spanish is a bugger, math is equally a bugger, and lol convention in like, two days X3

Lightning

Today was going poorly. But then, as the day wound down to an end, my family saw lightning. We were all tired, we wanted nothing more than to just go to bed, but instead we got in the car. We drove to the black rolling hills to the west. We hopped a barbed wire fence of a development that never got developed. We stood in the dark, watching quiet talk and silence. It wasn't long before the clouds lit up, then lit up again. Flashes and arcs and bolts to the ground. The horizon was full of lights. City lights and sky lights, fighting for our eyes.
It was a long time before we went back to the car. We clambered back over the fence and piled back into the lit interior. Old jazz music crooned from the radio, and reality slowly seeped back into our veins. We got home. Mom and Dave went up to bed, I sat down and started to write, and to plan. I want to see the night again.