Not right Not right

Oh my fucking cripes I am feeling so weird and not right. I couldn't sleep last night even though I was so tired I couldn't see straight. Now I can't wrap my mind around eating anything, so I just haven't. I keep fidgeting my leg yet I don't feel especially wired or antsy otherwise. I'm not feeling much of anything except for earlier when I wrote a letter to my dad, then I felt really ill. I'm feeling ill now, but I think that's just because I'm so hungry. Mom's making dinner though, so that's good.

I wonder if this is just stress from thinking about moving to San Francisco and my Dad sending a card or if it's because I started anti-depressants two days ago. Or if it's just because I couldn't sleep. Everything sucks right now. Wow.

Love and Sex

I don't really know how this works, but for some reason I am absolutely terrible at flirting, and at having people earnestly like me, and want to be in a relationship. However, if someone makes purely sexual advances I can easily reciprocate them, and usually take them further than they expected.  I personally don't think there's any wrong in having sex with whoever as long as there's consent and all that. But I feel like it's a bit fucked up, that I'd easier be in a friendship and occasionally have nooky with a person than develop a romantic relationship. Maybe there's just been a succession of guys that I don't quite fancy and that's warping my perception on relationships, but right about now it's seeming that just chilling with bros and sexin' each other up now and then is pretty fukken nifty. Luckily I also posses the care-free and dick-bagish attitude required for this kind of set up.

Oh also. I started anti-depressants yesterday. Woo. Kinda freaking me out a little bit, so I'm trying not to think about it too hard. Hopefully they'll do good stuff without me noticing too much so I don't freak out even more? That's pretty likely considering I forget how I felt two days ago consistantly. I really should just give my therapist the link to my blog, and then keep it more diligently, because I am really shitty at remembering important information about events in my life.

I'm depressed again. Third school night in a row. Fifth day. I just want to get out of this fucking house, but I have literally no where to go. No one to see. No friends to meet, no plans, nothing. I haven't got shit.I just want to get away from this stupid lap top and this stupid house and my stupid mom. If it weren't for school I'd forget what my own voice sounds like. And there I got. Second night in a row I've cried. And the way things are going it'll be the second night in a row I don't eat dinner.Can I just have a night where I can be happy? I just want to not have to sit in this shitty basement with nothing to do but let a website own my life. I don't even interact with people on the internet. I feel so alone. The only person I talk to on a regular basis is my pseudo boyfriend in California  And that's hardly even talking, all he wants to do is flirt and simper and talk about meaningless sexual bullshit. I'm not close to anyone, not really close. And my mom's too tied up in her own problems and her own delusions of being a rich popular socialite who's spunky liberal and the life of the party to actually care about her depressive anxious daughter. When she tells me that she's going to be soooooo saaaaaad when I go off to college or whatever the fack I'm going to do with my life, I can hardly take her seriously. She certainly likes to pretend I've already moved out. I can't have my shit anywhere in the house, she spends more time on business trips and out with dave than she does at home. I just want to leave. So so fucking bad. Not permanently I just want to get out of this house. I feel trapped, and that's because I am. All I can do is sit here and listen to the muffled laughter of a bunch of drunken housewives and cry to my computer.Fuck everything.