God I just feel like a fucking door mat. I'm just the slut people fuck until they can date someone. Fuck guys. Why the fuck do I have to be so fucking stupid and sexual all the time. Why can't that just be an okay trait of my personality? Instead it just gets me a few fucks before I'm left in dust for some girl who knows how to keep it in her pants. I can't just cut out that fucking part of me though, it's the only thing people actually take interest in anymore. I know I have more to offer to people, but no on cares about those parts, or if they do, they certainly do a shit job of showing it. I want to say that I've been trying to reach out and try to hang out with people but I know that's bullshit because I don't know how to do that. I literally can't just ask someone to hang out. I have so few times, and every time I get rejected. Just tossed to the side. Half the time they don't even fucking bother with telling me they "can't" I just don't even get a response. The only person who's really had fucking anything to do with me for the last week or two has been arianna but I'm so afraid to text her because I know she's always busy. I can't handle people rejecting me all the time, with how little I reach out, the percentage of people turning me down is astounding. I wish I could be less of a useless shit and actually make friends or talk to people or be someone people want to actually talk to. Or at least someone anyone outside of three or four people want anything to do with. Maybe my therapist is right, maybe I just choose shitty people to try to be around. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, and no one will tell me. If no one tells me I can't fix anything.
I don't even know why this is so important to me, today when I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things I was so on edge being around people I could hardly stand it. People scare me and confuse me so bad, but I still want to talk to them, to know them, to be around them. But I can't. I just don't have whatever it is that makes people able to function normally. They can just have friends and make relationships and fucking call people on the phone like it's no big deal yet here I am, same species and all, sitting crying in my basement because I just can't understand any of it. Because another guy decided any girl other than me was better. Because my best friend doesn't even try to talk to me anymore and I just let them. Because I don't know how to do anything else other than let people make me feel like shit and give them everything I have trying to get them to like me. I can't even bribe people with food to be around me. And when they do want to be around me by some miracle I just... fuck it all up. Somehow. I just want people to like me a little.
I guess thank you Arianna and Aiden and I guess Max a little and Lorie for trying to be there for me even though I'm a huge stupid confused mess. That's all I think. I'm just gonna focus on crying.
I don't even know why this is so important to me, today when I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things I was so on edge being around people I could hardly stand it. People scare me and confuse me so bad, but I still want to talk to them, to know them, to be around them. But I can't. I just don't have whatever it is that makes people able to function normally. They can just have friends and make relationships and fucking call people on the phone like it's no big deal yet here I am, same species and all, sitting crying in my basement because I just can't understand any of it. Because another guy decided any girl other than me was better. Because my best friend doesn't even try to talk to me anymore and I just let them. Because I don't know how to do anything else other than let people make me feel like shit and give them everything I have trying to get them to like me. I can't even bribe people with food to be around me. And when they do want to be around me by some miracle I just... fuck it all up. Somehow. I just want people to like me a little.
I guess thank you Arianna and Aiden and I guess Max a little and Lorie for trying to be there for me even though I'm a huge stupid confused mess. That's all I think. I'm just gonna focus on crying.
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