Aw Frick

So long time no talk, it's hard to remember to write in this when it's not bookmarked on my internet. u3u
In any case there's this guy, Trey, and we've been in the same safety and first aid class since the start of the semester. Recently his girlfriend broke up with him, and since then we've hooked up, several times. He's small, so at first I was unsure if I'd want to pursue things with him, but by golly does he know how to work with what he has. I think he naturally hits my especially sensitive spot, which is frikken sweet, plus he's coordinated as fuck, what with being a boxer. In any case, apart from being quite gifted when it comes to sex, he's really kind and romantic and shit, and honestly I'm worried that I might fall for him. The way he cuddles with me and kisses me, just make me want more than what we have, but he just got out of a long relationship and he's still hurting and I just don't think that's on his mind at all.
He came over today, and I found out he's also a natural dom. He just knew exactly what buttons to push and for how long, and basically made me lose my mind, literally. My sense of what sub-space is exactly is not very clear, but I'm pretty sure he put me there hard. After he untied me, I just kind of flopped over in a melty puddle of vague bliss and this incredible intense emotional wanting. I grabbed him behind the neck and kissed him, hard. When we were cuddling, and my brain was still pretty cloudy I told him, in very simple, mixed up terms that I "Liked the crap out of him." He said something about how crazy it was that "she" gave that up. It took me several repetitions to understand what he meant. I suppose in that moment he was the only person in my mind, and remembering the rest of the world was hard. But after a few minutes I finally came out of it and we got dressed (I stole his underwear, they're Flash undies and they fit me perfectly) and I took him home. His ex thinks he has a new girlfriend. I wonder if she thinks it's me? But he knows everyone, so there are probably other girls who would be more likely candidates, as they travel within his social circles.
I dunno if I'll be able to juggle him and Max. I still want to do things with both of them, but at the moment my brain is just kind of occupied. Shit. There goes my claims to being impervious to falling for someone I fuck.
;3; damnit.

Trying

I'm trying to write a response to my dad. I'm jut kind of feeling ill, and I've not gotten very far.

I stayed home from school today to try to work on make up work. I couldn't find the book I needed, and I couldn't do my online coursework because my mom took the computer away from me so I'd d my work. I spent the day on tumblr on my phone and giving myself blisters over pointless things.

I tried to talk to a guy I think is cool over face book. I tried to be interesting. He stopped replying soon after. I couldn't think of anything else to say that would bring him back.

I'm trying to not be depressed, to not be angry, to not be a lazy good for nothing. I'm not doing very well.

Tired

I've been tired for two weeks straight now. I can sleep a full 9 hours at night and still wake up tired and sleep trough my sixth period and get home and want to take a nap. If I take a nap (a three hour one, likely) I'll wake up, go up stairs and want to go right back down to sleep some more. I just want to sleep. Right now I just want to sleep and cry, because I know I have so much stuff that I need to do but I just can't do it. Part of it is depression or apathy or whatever, but mostly I think I'm just using all of that as an excuse to not do anything. I can't even begin to make a start on anything I need to do. I just want to sleep in tomorrow. Wake up late, maybe eat an egg for breakfast, then go outside with a blanket and sleep in the sun. Maybe walk to get the mail. Maybe go explore down at the park. Then I could come home and curl up inside my blanket fort and do nothing for a few hours. But I can't. I'm failing four classes, and a lot of that is participation points because I miss so much of my morning classes. If I did stay home I'd need to write papers and do math work and clean up the mess I've made in the kitchen. I'd have laundry to do, and my room to clean, and of course there's that spare room that somehow turned into a disgusting disaster. I feel especially trapped because my car has been smoking sometimes after I drive it, a guy outside of a pizza place said it was just some oil leaking onto the engine or something. Gonna get that checked out. Mom's coming home tomorrow. I'm glad because I won't be alone with my depression, but it also means I'll just be twice as pressured about the things I have to do. Why can't I just do things? My therapist says it's because my mom never made me do things when I was a kid. She didn't make me shower, or clean my room, or any of that. She couldn't handle the conflict, so she just let me do what I wanted. While that has cultivated a wonderful philosophical maturity in me, it has also apparently turned me into an impulsive slob. But that just feels like a cop out. My therapist also says that I should try to be my own parent since I have a strong internal voice, but I just can't do it. I ignore myself. I get angry at myself like I get mad at my mom when she tells me to do something. I just can't handle it. So basically I'm fucked on that front.
I've eaten nothing but candy and half a bowl of ramen today. There's not much else to eat, but I can't go buy groceries since I've misplaced the card my mum gave me for food. Which has been something of a problem. I really need to find that. But even if I did get groceries, I feel like I still wouldn't have eaten much. I sometimes get so indecisive I can't even eat.

Also I'm feeling shitty about drawing again. Just feeling extra fuck-upish lately I guess. I can't even think about writing back to my dad. I need to really bad though. Fuck. fuck fuck fuck. I thought about Nic today and it made me really sad and lonely. I want to love someone. I want someone to love me. 

Burgers

My dad wrote back again. This is the second exchange between us. I just want to cry right now because he's hurt, and he didn't expect for all of this to happen and my mum and he were re-negotiating the terms for divorce at the time so he was out of his mind antagonized and stressed. He expected me to call the next day. He has a shitty way of wording "if you want to talk, call." Kind of different meaning from "call when you're ready to have a relationship." But fuck, man. Two years. Because my mom wanted more money from him, because he don't want to give it, because of a few fucked up words.
This is so hard to do. I've never had to patch up anything before, let alone something like this. It makes me want to be sick, it makes me want to go back to the simple and subtle hurt of nothingness. This shouldn't be so fucking herd, I don't want it to be. I don't like it. But I want to be able to talk to my dad again. I want him to come to my graduation. I want him to visit me in san francisco sometimes. I want to talk to him about his business travels, and I guess about me and about all that bat-shit philosophy he believes in. He never got why I wanted to talk about him so much when I was a kid.  It's because I don't really know him that much. I never got a solid picture of my dad, I think at least a bit of it is leeched off of my friend's fathers, after third grade, when he wasn't around anymore, thats when I think a lot of kids started forming pictures of their parents as individuals rather than the god-like enigma they so often are to children.
I can't even think about it right now. I can't even process the letter. I don't know if I want to. What I want to do is go eat shitty mcdonald's burgers at a park with someone.

I think I'll take a walk, through the late morning chill and dew. Feel the sun on my hair and my skin and my clothes. Smell the earth stirring and waking, smell the rain-smell left curiously behind by nothing. I will search for daffodils. I will look for memories and small pictures long since buried under distasteful things. Under bad thoughts, and sad nights. I will try to find the memories, the reasons why. I will try to understand why I've tried. I will try to find that same feeling I used to have. As the earth stirs and stretches and wakes it's life, I will try to do the same, for you. Because I remember the daffodil.