check-in

I'm really not sure what I want to write, but I got the urge to really bad. Probably this folk music. I wanted to write something for Dylan. But I don't know what really to write, it's a bit intimidating when he's a writer himself .3. I just want to to create I guess. Maybe I'll take my sketchbook into the hall so I don't bother my roommate and draw a bit. Just gotta do something. School's going well, it's almost over actually. My first semester, dang. It went by pretty fast it seems. Or at least in hind-sight. I hope I can make a lot of friends next semester, so I won't be quite as lonely as I was. That or I need to put myself into my work way more than I have been. I've been slacking a bit these past few weeks, which is no good at all, I need to work harder for sure. But things are going infinite times better than they ever went in high school, and that's amazing. So yeah. Pretty much all good things to report on this end :3

ohhey

long time no talk about my ugly feels. But alas I'm in class and I have no paper but I do have my laptop so I'm just gonna stop paying attention and try my best not to cry or something. My homework turned out shit. I don't even have my homework for my next class. I don't want to go to it honestly. I don't know if I could even last the class. God there's still almost two hours left in this one, maybe I can feign illness and just go back to my dorm and curl up into a ball and just hope that wednesday comes faster. God this self doubt is crippling. I just want to be home and I just want to stay there. I guess if I fail here I'll get to go home. Do something sensible with my life. But that sounds awful too. I just want people to care about and to care about me. I mean I have a few friends out here, but they're new yanno? It's not the same as old friendship. You don't need a backstory cause they already know it, or were a part of it.

Fuck depression. Fuck being sad all the time. I don't get any say, I don't get a reason for why I'm so fucking sad, it just is. It just happens and I have to deal with it, and try to keep my life from completely falling to shit. Maybe I really should go back home and just do community college shit. It'd save money too. Cripes knows that's at the base of half of my fucking problems, money.

well this isn't helping at all. I think it's making things worse. and it only killed like 20 minutes. ANyway hi blog.
I'll be alright. I just have to keep pushing on.

For the Love of Fuck

I believe I've written about how my dad and I are trying to patch things up. In any case, his last email to me asked why I didn't just get over what had happened, and why it took me two years to reach out to him. It was just so incredibly astounding to me that he didn't seem to realize the gravity of what he'd done. So I told him. I stopped with all the passive bull-shit and I flat out told him why it was so hard for me to get back to him, because he'd really hurt me. I was just trying to let him get some perspective on the "why" of things, and see what I was thinking all that time. But he's responded and it's just... so incredibly frustrating. He's just so defensive and passive and he belittles himself in every other sentence. I wanted to give him perspective, but it seemed to just go right over his head.
He thought that because we weren't really talking too much anyway he should just "formalize it" like what the actual fuck??? That's not something you formalize for fucks sake.
And then he goes and asks me to become an adult!?? Like did you just fucking miss the entire point of that last email? Have you totally missed the ones previous to that telling you how much more confident I am? What the fuck does that even mean? "become an adult" What do I make myself a cocoon and emerge a month later with big-ass wings and the ability to read his mind? Then he tells me that pain is an illusion. What the shit. What the actual fuck does that mean in this context. That all the bullshit you put me through wasn't real? Wrong it was real and I'm not going to dismiss it. It happened and now I'm past it. But I'm starting to realize that he's just kind of a shitty communicator. Like, a really shitty communicator. I want this to work out, but he and I just don't know how to talk anymore. Not that we ever really did. But ugh. he's just so incredibly dense. I guess I'll go try to fix this fucking train wreck.

WOW IT HAS BEEN A WHILE

HI HELLO BLOG. How are you? Cause I'm fucking rad :3
Like, I've taken to this whole college junk like, mega super well. I live in the dormitories and Jude lives in temporary housing a few blocks down. We hang out when she has days off or if I need to do important things around the city. She's still kindof a butt sometimes, but for the most part she's super nice and I'm so glad to have her around. She might move back to colorado though. Apparently she only moved out here because she wanted to be there for me ;3; Which is so nice of her, but I feel awful for putting her in such a situation. We were gonna get an apartment together but that didn't work out. We still might next semester if she decides to stay :3
So I'm in an all girls dorm, which is not the super best, but it's still pretty cool. I'm in what should be a four person room with another girl, named Fraccessca. However the other two people never showed up~! So it's just the two of us in this huge-ass room and it's so great because we're both introverts and such, and we have a lot of space so it's not too bad being around someone a lot of the time. We get along pretty well too. She listens to cool music and is in to a bit of fandom junk and all that jazz.
I've made a few friends too~ They're interesting and fun. I dunno I still feel like I've not met someone who I can really get to know and all that. I miss Scout so much man. I just miss how close we are. I'm not close with anyone here. And like, new friends are great and all that, but it's a different dynamic than the one you get with old friends u3u
In any case my fingers are getting tired, I got a new compy and I'm not used to the keyboard o3o so much bigger than my old one.

It's Coming Closer

I can't stop it
it's coming closer and closer and closer
The days are no longer immeasurable because of their length, Rather they are immeasurable because they are so impossibly few. Too few to properly comprehend. I try to calculate the time in my mind, how many days, how much time, how many people and places I can see one last time. It's not even one last time. I will be back. It's a mere matter of months between now and Christmas break. Its a blink of an eye before summer rolls around again. I will be back. I have to be.  The seeming finality of it all makes me sick, makes it hard to breath. I think of all I have grown here, the old things, the new. I think of his smile his cloying voice and his lips hard against my skin. I think of her and her tears and her scars and her standing right on the brink of something beautiful with hell at her back. I think of the places and the people and the memories that all come piling back when I stare at anything. I try to think of the new places that will hold importance. A street corner, a shop, a lamp post, a classroom. But it's hard. Because they aren't there. Because the future isn't definite, like the past. I can't think fondly of the future, because there is nothing to be fond of. When you live in the same house for 18 years you learn to love it. You learn to find the charm in learning where the squeaky floor boards are. Each scratch in the banister has some familiarity. A town with nothing to do becomes a treasure trove of little things, it is made alive by vivid flash-backs replaying everywhere you look. I am going to miss being in a town that breathes with me every step I take, and I am going to miss the people who have breathed life in to me

Wow

I've not really been thinking all that hard about my move to SF. It'll just come out in bursts when I'm talking to people, I just realize all the things that are going to happen and they just kind of burst out. But then, I feel bad because I realize I'm leaving all these amazing people behind. If I could I would take every single one of them with me to SF. It seems that my life is keeping constant with it's cliches. It seems like I've finally found a way to reach out to people and have really solid relationships, like the people I'm with are even more solid than before and I've met some new people too, but now I'm moving. I'm just starting to find that utopic summer, that ideal group of people and memories, and I'm leaving it all behind. It makes me really not want to go, but I know that my future is out there, and I can't get the same thing here, so I just have to keep telling myself that this is an adventure, that this is going to be difficult, but it's going to be amazing too. That ahead of me isn't oblivion just because it's unlike anything I've ever done before, it's memories waiting to happen. I may not be around the same people anymore, but that doesn't mean they've ceased to exist, or be important. What with the internet, it'll be really easy to stay in touch.

It's a tie between Scout and my cats as to who's going to be the hardest to leave. (This is a compliment Scout, I swear.) Even if scout and I haven't been in as much contact, she's still there. Every time I go by her house I think about her, I smile. Or if I go past the mall, or a bowling alley, or anything and everything that reminds me of her. And then there's being able to out of the blue, hang out and talk and be together, I don't know how I'm going to handle not having that. I know no one is ever going to be able to replace her either, and I wouldn't want anyone to. If there's one person who shaped me in to who I am today, it's her. I say that with complete certainty. She's always been my hero and my idol, to the point of being a wee bit creepy. I know we'll be friends forever, and no dessert or sea of mormons is going to change that, but I still wish she could come along. Partly for selfish reasons, but also because I think she's far too amazing a mind to be held in a tiny little town like Arvada. If she wanted it, she could have the world on their knees for any number of reasons, be that her intelligence, her talent, her beauty, her resilience, her kindness, her boldness, I could go on but I really am trying to be less creepy about how rad I think she is. Basically I'm gonna miss the fuck out of her and if ever she wanted to get out and abroad I'd offer her a room in no time. Jude can sleep on the couch -3- In any case, Scout, you are the absolute most amazing person I've ever met, and my best friend in the entire world and I will never leave you, or not be there for you, or not care the world for you, regardless of how much space is between us.

In other, less interesting news I have three whole boxes packed and I've managed to stop having existential, nihilistic crisis every night when I try to go to sleep. Or at least I've gotten them under control, I can divert my thoughts to some place else pretty well. I'm really not very good at packing, I don't really see what needs to be packed. I need someone to just sit in my room with me and point to objects so I can decide if I want to pack it, sell it, or keep it  around at the house for nostalgic porpoises, but I feel like asking anyone would be too sad and I'd probably end up crying. I really want to drive out to SF too. It just seems right. Hopefully I can get things worked out with scout.
I also really need to plan my going away hoopla's. I'm kind of at a loss as to what to do. Ugh. Thinking about all this too hard makes my head hurt and makes me sad. I just felt like I should write some of this down for posterities sake or what the fuck ever. I'm gonna go take my meds and pass out now I guess.

I Needed That

Today was paradoxically a fantastic monday and a breath of fresh air after a long shitty weekend. Suddenly a whole bunch of people reached out to me, to chit-chat and to proposition hanging out in the future. I had been consumed with questions of my self-worth all weekend because I was getting nothing from trying to talk to people. I guess I do just have to look in different places than what I usually think of, I'm so afraid to go out of the bounds of what was once a very safe few people, that I'm not seeing all the other radical people around me. Also I feel like I got some things done, rather than just sitting on my ass all day, even if it was just sending off my graduation announcements. I need to go to the bank tomorrow, and the grocery store, but I think it was nice to more or less ease in to doing stuff, because I've got quite a lot to do now, in order to get ready for moving.
I was feeling pretty confident so I tried my luck asking Aidan to hang out. She was just hanging around so I went over to her place and just hung out and watched her and Darian play vidya games. Her mum made a tasty motha fukken dinner and I got to watch Darian play through the Deadpool game.
Also the art I did for Folk-Punk was super nifty looking, and she loved it~ That really gave me confidence boost, sent me off with a smile for sure.
Anyway I'm going to either go draw something or look for laptops for college. Just thought I'd put a happy post up here for a change of pace.

I Just Can't I Guess

God I just feel like a fucking door mat. I'm just the slut people fuck until they can date someone. Fuck guys. Why the fuck do I have to be so fucking stupid and sexual all the time. Why can't that just be an okay trait of my personality? Instead it just gets me a few fucks before I'm left in dust for some girl who knows how to keep it in her pants. I can't just cut out that fucking part of me though, it's the only thing people actually take interest in anymore. I know I have more to offer to people, but no on cares about those parts, or if they do, they certainly do a shit job of showing it. I want to say that I've been trying to reach out and try to hang out with people but I know that's bullshit because I don't know how to do that. I literally can't just ask someone to hang out. I have so few times, and every time I get rejected. Just tossed to the side. Half the time they don't even fucking bother with telling me they "can't" I just don't even get a response. The only person who's really had fucking anything to do with me for the last week or two has been arianna but I'm so afraid to text her because I know she's always busy. I can't handle people rejecting me all the time, with how little I reach out, the percentage of people turning me down is astounding. I wish I could be less of a useless shit and actually make friends or talk to people or be someone people want to actually talk to. Or at least someone anyone outside of three or four people want anything to do with. Maybe my therapist is right, maybe I just choose shitty people to try to be around. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, and no one will tell me. If no one tells me I can't fix anything.
I don't even know why this is so important to me, today when I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things I was so on edge being around people I could hardly stand it. People scare me and confuse me so bad, but I still want to talk to them, to know them, to be around them. But I can't. I just don't have whatever it is that makes people able to function normally. They can just have friends and make relationships and fucking call people on the phone like it's no big deal yet here I am, same species and all, sitting crying in my basement because I just can't understand any of it. Because another guy decided any girl other than me was better. Because my best friend doesn't even try to talk to me anymore and I just let them. Because I don't know how to do anything else other than let people make me feel like shit and give them everything I have trying to get them to like me. I can't even bribe people with food to be around me. And when they do want to be around me by some miracle I just... fuck it all up. Somehow. I just want people to like me a little.

I guess thank you Arianna and Aiden and I guess Max a little and Lorie for trying to be there for me even though I'm a huge stupid confused mess. That's all I think. I'm just gonna focus on crying.

Feely feeeeeeellllls

psssst ahm feelin better. I just had a lot of junk I needed to vomit out some place, so all that stuff was written like, in the middle of ugly-cry self-loathing angry at the world time. I just needed to get it out, cause I don't really have any other outlet cause I'm butts at confronting people about my feels and resolving problems and such. *throws confetti*  So yeah, totally okay if ya want to skip over the last post if you don't want to be all bummed out and junk.

Booop, just read over that last post and indeed a lot of that is just me making myself feel shittier so I can feel better.
Like yeah, take the angriest stuff and cut that out and you might be closer to reality. Expect for the stuff about jude cause fuck jude man.

Well aside from those two days with Aidan these past two weeks have been pretty much constant mediocrity and shit. It's made me feel stupid, socially inept and like no one could give a rat's fucking ass about me. When I try to do things with anyone I either get no reply or they've got something better going on. Sure some of that is bas luck but the rest of it is just a huge middle finger. Trey is such a cunt he plays sweet and nice and then pulls these fucking stupid "jokes" that are seriously the least funny thing I've ever been put through. No, asking multiple times to find a girl to have threesome with you, despite my giving you a fuck load of reasons, why I'm not down for that is not fucking funny. Telling me you've moved is not fucking funny, playing with my emotions is not fucking funny and if I had more people who wanting anything to do with me I wouldn't talk to the stupid fuck any more. And then of course Jude comes home and literally, physically pushes me off the computer because she can't wait two fucking seconds for me to get off and that's just the final fucking straw so I ran outside and cried and I still want to cry and I still want to beat her stupid, pretentious, fucking fucking skull in with a rock because fuck her and how much she's fucked me up and how fucking broken and fucking sociopathic she is and she makes me feel so stupid and fucking powerless like there;s nothing i can do to change these shitty circumstances and evrything just sucks so fucking much and honestly it's a fucking wonder I'm not suicidal because i seems like that's just the answer the universe keeps trying to give me and I just don't even know what to do because shacker I'm worthless and I ruin all my ralationships by being a stupid second guessing gullible over-attatched shit head and I'm just so fucking done wiwth being tossed aside by everyone like fucking trash. It'd be great to feel like I'm not second rate in everyone's life but who am I kidding I don't have any way to find that out, because whenever I try to gt anyone's attention they either ignore me outright or tell me I'm stupid for feeling like shit so I'm just gonna keep typing and crying because I can't do anything else and i have nothin else to do excep clean shit because that's all I'm good for and I'll never have real plans or an actual purpouse and I'm just gonna be stuck working shitty fast food jobs for the rest of my life with no friends and people just using me for sex and the occasional emotional validation though I don;t know why people even want me aound for anything but sex because apparently having a tight vunt and giving head are the only things people value in me. And I want someone to tell me otherwise but i'd just be forcing them to anyway so what's the point. I  an;t een tell what wrong with me to fix so I can be a  person people actually want to barond . At therapy todya my therapist asked if there was any reason why no one ever wanted to talk to me and I couldn't think of one thing and she thinks that I put out sex stuff to too much and that's why I have shallow menaingless relationships where the only thing I have to offer is sex and I don't see why I can't do both but I gues that's just fucking stupid of me for thinking and I feel so sad and I just want Jude to realize how muchthat hurt but she won't because she doesn't care aout me t all a lll and any I try to do do to tell her about how I feel I feel she'll just just throw back in my fack and make me feel weak and stupid and paathetic  and oh my goshdljfjkk i can't stop crying and everything hurts and I just want it to stop but I can't stop crying because I can't and I guess this is what I get for thinkign that I could without fucking medication because I'm tooo fuckied up to be able to have normal brain fucnctions even though nothing really bad has evr happened and I get sent over the edge by a few bad jokes and my sister being a dick like she always is, like seriously this is nothing new, this every day of my life I should just be fucking used to it by now n=but look at me I have to over react to everything I guess I don't really have anything fucking valuable left to say but I don't know what else i can do beside sit here and feel sorry for myself

Backpack

One of the best things that calms me down is packing up a bag. It's like a safety line. It's there just in case things get worse and I just can't handle it any more. I pulled out my worn and patched up green back pack today. It's fabric is scratchy and smells like freedom to me, like lichen, dry and dusty and cool. I slunk from my room, silent, and gathered up my sketchbook, my car keys, and the colour embroidery thread I needed for a project. I packed them away with my favorite Lovecraft anthology. I grabbed a tin of unicorn bandages and stuffed a tube of Neosporin in with them, this seemed like a good idea, just to have around, like the little tube of tooth paste, and the chopsticks my best friend got me, with porn on their tops. In went a little towel, while I've never read hitch-hikers guid to the galaxy, I read a lot about back-packing across countries, they give the same advice. I paused at my medication. Did I put it in? Even if I wouldn't likely be leaving tonight, if ever at all? But I erred on the side of caution and put them in the full front pocket. I grabbed a pair of comfortable shoes off the floor, and my Andrew Jackson Jihad shirt from the bed. It felt more than right to bring that band along. I wished for my cut-offs to complete the look, but they were upstairs in the wash. In went my old gameboy as well, with Pokemon Silver and Zelda: Oracle of Seasons, for variety. A gift card, a few other odds and ends, then I looped the necklace scout gave me, the one with the skulls around my neck and I was ready. But I didn't leave. I sat and I looked at the time. It was almost time for work. I needed to eat, and my anger and my bitterness had calmed down, for the most part. I ate leftover rice, then shouldered my pack, laced up my work shoes, and climbed out my window.

I've always made up runaway bags, ever since I was a kid. But I've never run away. Because I wouldn't know how to come home, and my problems were never permanent. But I feel like I should have. I wish I would have. Would have done something to protest against my mom and her instability. My therapist says I should take some kickboxing or martial arts classes so I can have an outlet for the anger and the rage that's been building up in me for years. It's a good idea. I can't really contain it lately, and I'm worried I might do more than just dig my fingernails into my skin the next time I get angry. Which will likely be soon, considering my mom has nothing but how shitty a kid I am to pay attention to any more.

I Shouldn't be Suprised

I go upstairs to get something to eat and my mom tells me that she's going to put 50 dollars into my account for grocery shopping. I had been talking with my therapist about how I feel like she's controlling me and trying to keep me from making mistakes when I move out and I just want her to leave me alone for fucks sake and let me fuck up if that's what happens. If you're gonna teach me anything fucking teach me how to do banking. I literally know nothing about banking and yet you want me to work on my budgeting skills. It would probably be great to know how to access the money I make before I try to budget it. And budgeting is something I can figure out on my own, jesus fucking christ. She's upset at me for just spending money on groceries well it was your fucking idea to make me buy them in the first place. You didn't give me a limit then, you didn't berate me about how I spend too much money then, but you are now because you want to make up for your shitty parenting in these last few months. I try to tell you that your inconsistency has fucked me up and what do you say "it's hard for me too :(" it's not just FUCKING hard for me mom. I can't be comfortable in my own fucking house because I literally never know if you are going to be angry with every single thing I'm doing or take me out for fucking ice cream. I am constantly on edge. I run out of the kitchen when the garage door opens, I hide in a corner of my room when you come downstairs. The only time I'm fucking comfortable is when you're not fucking home. You're so upset that I don't know how to budget money even though I've never fucking done it before so I shouldn't know how to budget. How about you buy the fucking groceries, how about you don't try to shove me prematurely into adult hood when I'm 17 and still living at home. Oh, it's too hard for you? Isn't everything just soooooo hard for you. Nothing could possibly be hard for me. You don't stand your ground with your kid and try to defend your shitty actions that i am trying to tell you have had a deep and scaring fucking psychological impact on me. You don't tell your kid that what's ruined my self confidence and my ability to be in the world without hating myself for not knowing what to do before I should is "hard for you" I don't fucking care. You say you're trying to budget money and yet you want me to take more expensive voice lessons and all this other bull shit and I just fucking hate you and I cannot wait to get out of this house out from under your itchy trigger finger so I can finally breath an independent breath without you shitting down my throat because that breath cost too much.

frvfhph[ jpshwvcf8ef sed8hg uswec8j hjhnsdc9jiuqws9dccfwd9jh bw9ievh jdis91d8cw fdxjiquhcnfucking shit I am so fucking angry and mand and I jsut want to fucking BREAK SOMETHING. FUCK.

"Working"

So I think my meds are working. Or "working" rather. They seem to only be helping in a few small areas, and even then it's really not much help. It seems to have gotten rid of a lot of my lethargy, I want to go outside and work in my garden or sew or something. But it just seems pretty mindless to me, like I'm going through the motions but it's not actually engaging? But that might just be how flat my emotions have gotten. Sure I don't get depressed necessarily, but I can tell when I would be depressed, because I feel nothing. I feel listless and misplaced, like I'm floating on the surface of a flat grey ocean and while I'm not drowning I'm still not dry. Other than that I'm just angry. A lot. Everything pisses me off. I can't stand being around my mom because she makes it flare up the worst. She just stalks around the house with too much free time on her hands since Dave broke up with her so now she's not working but still on his payroll until she can find another job. She's decided that since I'm no longer in school I can't possibly have any reason to be depressed so she's "cracking down." In other words being un-godly obnoxious with her constant hounding me to do petty inane tasks and gift unto me all her untold wisdom of how to do literally anything and everything. All she's doing is making me want out. It's really funny, actually, because she always said she was afraid Jordan and I would leave and never come back. I don't know in what context you tell that to your ten year old but by golly she told us all the fucking time. And now, that's what she's making me want to do. Not leave all the way, I don't hate her, by any means, but I just want her to get her fucking talons out of my life. She always brags about how she isn't a helicopter parent, how she has other important things in her life aside from her kids, she's not like all her friends. The only difference is that she doesn't see it. She doesn't see the way I cringe every time she says she wants to talk about her ideas for San Fran (don't care abbreviating it like that is insulting, san fran can suck my cock because it's bullshit to type out all the time) because that just her into into "Here's how I'm going to tell you what to do with every aspect of your life from how you grocery shop to the furnishings of your bedroom!"I just want to get out there, take her pile of fucking annoying ideas, and hurl them into the bay. She wants to raise good kids? Well in my opinion she's already fucked that bit up, but she needs to let us go to see how she's done. I just want to stand on my own, I don't care how scary it's gonna be. I want to fuck up grocery shopping, I want to accidentally blow all my money because I didn't manage it right, I want to realize that my interior decorating is fucked an inefficient (Fat chance of that though, I'm the shit at organizing shit.) But she's not gonna let me. She's hung so much of her own validation on my success that she can't bare to see me fail, because to her that means she's failed. But part of me wants to fail. Part of me even knows I will. Catastrophically. It'll be devastating. It'll fuck me up for years to come, but it will have been my fuck up. Mine. No parenting can save kids from fucking up, just by having a kid you've already doomed them to being scarred and fucked over by your parenting. Pity my mom refuses to see that, that she's fucked me up. I don't care that she has, but she needs to stop trying to put a big over-attentive bandage over it and pretending that anything she's doing in these last few months is actually going to help me in anyway.

See? Angry. And alone. I know I have friends. But most of the time it feels like I don't.

Radical

Yes. Yes?
Sure why the fuck not. I don't even really have anything spectacular to report, just kind of felt like writing something. The past few days I've been going in to school to work on finishing my painting that I'm doing of a little lolita cat. It's really cute, but I'm kind of getting super done with it. I spose that's mostly because I've finished the interesting detail work on the cat and now I'm just doing the back ground. Which I had to re-do because the colour was too similar to the cat's dress. I like the new colour I'm doing, but I just want it to be done and home. I dunno how I'm getting it home either, it won't fit in my car, and I doubt my mum would let me borrow hers for a day. Maybe I can bring a saw in and cut off some of the border that needs to be cut off anyway. I guess I need to prep my arms for that tomorrow then. But hey, I want some more upper body strength anyway so it'll be good in the long run.

Ummmmm. Trey's still a douche, gonna try to build up a bit of dislike for him so I can have a healthier distance. Man that seems really fucked up when I put it like that. It's kind of sad that that's how my brain works with people, I'm either borderline obsessed with them or I have to find some reason to hate their guts. Maybe I really am a Yandere (Cute on the outside, crazy and obsessive on the inside)

My mom's boyfriend of three or four years broke up with her the other morning. She kind of took out some of her pain on me. I deserved some of it, I had things that she had asked me to do, but I'd not done them yet. But she said that I only cared about myself. And that it wasn't my depression keeping me from doing things anymore. I mean, part of me really just didn't feel like doing things, but I think she was really mean about the way she put it. She has such a huge desire to mold her kids into her image of a perfect adult that she can't handle the reality that she's raised a pair of self-serving, vain, lethargic, sometimes cruel, generally fucked up kids. But that's what you get when your parenting is inconsistent, varying between wrathfully strict and lovingly light handed. I've learned to fear her, to be wary of her, and most of all to ignore her until her mood changes. She's trying so hard to cram an entire childhood's life lessons into a few months and all it's doing is making me want more and more to be out from under her smothering thumb and on my own.

I'm pretty sure the prozac isn't going to help me. Honestly at the moment I feel like I should just learn some coping mechanisms and get off medication if I can help it. I know I have depression, but what if I'm just an angry, sad person normally? That's kind of how it feels.

I'm feeling majorly light headed, so I'm gonna go maybe lay down or drink some water out in my garden or something. Fuck.

Continuing Stuff in Private

"Max, after insisting he doesn’t only hang with me for sex, invited me to hang out. We didn’t have sex, that’s not the reason that sucked. After watching about two star trek episodes, he tells me something along the lines of “I don’t want to be kicking you out, but I want to do something other than sit on the couch today so I’m gonna go hang out with Brandon.”

Because you couldn’t have possibly said, “Hey Ali, let’s go do something other than sit on the couch today!” It’s not like the way you put it made me feel like shit because you are constantly making plans with other people while we’re already hanging out, implying that I’m an entirely uninteresting piece of meat only around for filling your need for female contact until you can go off and do things with your actual friends that you’d much rather be around."

So that's pulled from my tumblr today. Pretty much still how I feel. And I let max know, in lighter terms of course. He said he was sorry, but he just assumed that I wasn't going to be comfortable in social situations. Really? That's not something you assume, that's something you ask. He already acts like I'm this little pathetic awkward puppy that can't do anything on her own. I have some anxiety, yes, but I can go out in public you ass-hole.

He also thought it would be great to say that he was gonna feel really bad about things because he upset me, which should make me feel empathy for him, right? However it's likely coming from the side of him that needs female attention. I could be totally wrong, but that's just how it feels to me.

This morning I was upset because getting people to hang out with me is like pulling teeth, but this just made it worse. Not only is it impossible for me to hang out with people, but when I do hang out with them they don't actually want to be there. 

A Pain in the Ass

So a few days ago I got a call from an acquaintance of mine, it was during a rain storm and they sounded like they were crying, she asked me to pick her and her girlfriend up. This wasn't a problem, and it was pouring outside, it would be a dick move to just let them sit out in such awful weather. When  I picked them up I assumed they needed to be dropped off where I'd given them rides too before, this was not the case however. They told me they didn't have a place to stay. Th logical thing for me to do, as my mom and I had just talked about letting people crash with us, was to invite them to stay a night or two at my house. I wasn't a big deal, and I enjoy helping people out when I can.
We get to my place and I offer them food and drink and all that. Nothing out of the ordinary, seeing as they don't know where things are I make some noodles and the like for them. They get on my laptop and look at stupid videos on youtube and chit chat and everything seems peachy. We go downstairs to watch a film, but they mostly just talk, and I asked to turn it off so I could focus on my homework. We get pizza, they fall asleep, Normal crap. My mum, was home the next day but sent them off to the library when she had to run errands, I can understand not wanting random teenagers in your house with no one else there. When they get back, I'm already home. Their first thought is food. I offer up what we have, apologizing that I've not gone to the store yet. Rather than say something normal that you would say to a person who's housing and feeding you for nothing in return, the girl friend tells me several times that I should go shopping. They eat... quite a bit and then sit around doing... I don't even know. At this point my energy was way low, having been round people constantly. I wander off to do things in solitude. Again they fall asleep on the couch while watching Jude play video games. The basement is starting to smell quite rank, even though they showered that day. Friday comes, my mom told them the day before that since gradation is coming for me and things will be getting busy and we'll be out a lot they need to work on finding another place to stay. They ask me if I'm busy, I tell them I am. I have work to do and plans to go to "senior days" at my school, and work on credit recovery english. They still ask me to drive them someplace half an hour away. While I try to figure out if I have time for that, and give them some clothes that I don't wear any more (the girlfriend once again complains that they're not boy clothes. Shocker, I don't have boy clothes.) and they try to goad me into leaving. After my mom doesn't text me back I finally relent. It's a place for them to stay, and we're kicking them out, it's only right to get them to their next place. We finally get there, after a lot of guess work because they don't actually know her address or where she lives exactly we get there. I'm pretty anxious, losing time when I have things to do freak me out. They go to see her, and I wait, just to make sure everything checks out. What do ya know. She isn't there. They sent me on an hour long round trip, and didn't even think to check that the girl they were gonna stay with was there or was okay with them staying. We sat around for a half an hour as they tried to contact her on Facebook and figure out were thy could stay. At this point I just want to cry. Like I said, wasting time freaks me out really bad. I speed home. It's two. I have wasted three hours on some stupid goose chase. They apologize twice, and offer me gas money. That's hardly the problem and I let them know. So I pick up my homework and drive them to my school, which is 10 minutes away to drop them off and do what I need to do. Senior days seems like it's run its course just about, but I go inside to check in on english. She has me sit and work for an hour and I do little, because I really could do all of this at home. By the time I leave, even the inflatable slides that the school rented are completely packed up. No one is there. I sit in my car, unsure of what to feel. I pick up max and get a slushie and go home to try and forget about things.
I want to feel good that I helped some people out. That should be the reward in and of itself. But those girls were so annoying, so rude, so ungrateful, I can't even believe it. All they did was waste my time and put a permanent stink in our couch. I really feel bad for them because they don't understand how to couch surf, how to be runaways. You have to plan. You have to take every opportunity. But I think the most important thing is being polite to the people giving you freaking charity. It seemed like they just expected for people and places to stay to leap out of ground and give them their every need. They didn't seem to see that what my mum and I did for them was a lot. More than we needed to. I could have told them I was busy with math when they called and not given it a second thought. I almost wish I had.

Turns out he was really high and passed out in a park, so yanno. Not intentional. I wasn't to miffed about it this morning anyway so yeah. No grudges shall be help, but I'm keeping to the idea of fuck highschool boys cause srsly.

Fucking Really?

When will I finally learn that every boy in my highschool is a fucking prickish shit head and none of them are worth my time?
I messaged trey just to chat but he invited me to hang out, why the fuck not yanno? He tell me he's not at his house, but rather on a hill by our school. It's a big fukken hill, kind of a land mark and shit. I see no problem with this, who the fuck is going to walking that hill at 9 o clock at night? He'll be easy to spot. I drive the hill. Nothing. I text him and wait at the gas station at the top of the hill for ten minutes, at least. Nothing. I go back down and text him and wait a bit again. I drive back up the hill. It's been something like half an hour now. So fuck it. Fuck him. I drive home, marveling at my ability to cry and drive at the same time.

I fucking hate these immature little ass holes. Every single one thinks they are the absolute shit. That they're so hardcore, so cool, so funny. But they're not. Every single guy I've met this year has been an absolute, glorious, fucking dick. And they all can suck my cock.

Motivation

Well I found my motivator. Sex. Woops. Anyway the past few days were adequate. Cleaned my room. started on laundry. Had a small delay in plans but max came over today and that was great. After I dropped him off I went and chilled with Scout. I watched her play sky rim which was cool. She has a cold though which is not cool ;3; I hope she gets better soon~

Then I cam e home, Ordered some pizza I'm waiting on tumbl'd a bit. Then my Aunt Collet messages me. Dear. Fucking. God. I can't even begin to talk about all the things that are enraging with this conversation. At first it seems like a fine, normal conversation, she wishes me a happy graduation. Then it all goes down from there. The way she types is so painfully incoherent it takes me a full minute, if not longer to decipher what the hell she's trying to say and she uses ellipses in place of commas and half her spaces and some of her words. I can't even believe a grown woman in her fifties writes that poorly. Next of course comes the inevitable. Seeing as she is a part of my dad's side of the family, she has to admonish me for not contacting her. I tell her three separate times that it's hard for me to reach out to people and she completely ignores it. That just pisses me off because I am sick and tired of being told by grown-ass adults that I have to be the one to call them. Every. Single. Fucking. Person. In that family. Cannot even begin to comprehend the fact that a teenager, and pre-teenager, and child, does not have the mental capacity to keep involved in family circles. Yanno why I talk to my Grandma on my mom's side all the time? She calls. All the time. Just whenever. I chit chat, she tells me about her day, what's going on at her church and with her friends and then I tell her a bit about what's going on with me, if there is anything and it's great. But they just have to treat me like I have my shit together and can therefore be the carrier of our relationships. So yeah. I'm pissed. Because they can't seem to understand that popping up ever few months and complaining to me about how I never call them is going to make me call them. It just makes me angry, and that makes me want to call them even less, because I know when I do they'll just send me on a another guilt trip.
Woop and then she says "come hang out that's my invitation...surprisise us!!!" Did you not. Just hear. What I told you. I AM NOT GOOD AT REACHING OUT TO PEOPLE. I am a teenager about to go onto summer break. You are an adult who works as a flight attendant and therefore you have crazy fucking hours. YOU. CALL. ME. WHEN YOU ARE FREE. And I will try my fucking hardest to call you too. I always try. But I just can't. I hate calling you people. You're great when you aren't bitching at me for not being good enough. But I can't subject myself to all that shit voluntarily.
Ugh. No. I am not an adult. I am OBVIOUSLY. NOT. AN ADULT. I can't do this basic bullshit
I can't "prove" that I want to hang out with you, I can't I just fucking can't.

I Don't Even Know

I'm angry, depressed, asleep half the time, horny, anxious and afraid. I have a week left. A week left and I'm failing three of my classes that I need to graduate. My therapist and my mom both doubt I'll be able to do it. I doubt I can do it. I feel fucking pathetic. We went in a few weeks ago to try and get some help. All I got was my mom swooning over how "helpful" the administrators were and a huge blow to the tiny amount of confidence I have in math when I overheard my teacher and another talking about students trying to cheat their way out of work, and that if they just came in they'd be able to pass. I was there trying to test out of some math so that I could not have so much to try to do. He gave me last year's final. The final I'd already failed once. I failed it again. I left the room hating myself, almost in tears.

In English a few days ago I couldn't handle the fact that she was piling on even more work. So much fucking work. Right at the end. I was struggling trying to finish the makeup work I have. So instead of using the time in class we had to work on things I just laid my head down on my desk and cried as quietly as I could. I dug my thumbnail into my wrist as hard as I could. I don't know why, really. Simple imitation I guess. I wanted that supposed release pain brings. I guess I'm not capable of doing enough damage for that. I didn't break skin, the marks stayed for a few days. I left the class on the verge of joyous weeping, because I could leave. I could finally go. But I've not really left. I still have the same pile of work that I've always had. And I can't work as fast as I need to be working. I can't do it. I need to believe that I can but that's just so hard for me. I don't think I have anything left.

My therapist says that my depression has gotten a lot worse, despite doubling my medication. I don't like the woman who prescribes my medication. It's like she doesn't even hear me. Or like nothing I say is relevant. Can all this stress and work and expectations and failure just stop? Can't I just be left alone to waste away in a hole somewhere? Live out my life out in seclusion and happiness. Just someplace where I don't have to do all this shit? Where I don't have to jump through hoops. I'm not suicidal. But I'm afraid of myself none the less. I'm gonna go for a walk. Or maybe hurl some rocks. Rip up more of that fucking mint. 

Huge Shocker Time

Trey seems to have pretty much lost interest. I hope it's just because he's dealing with a lot of rough stuff right now. But of course part of me believes that the only worth I have in the eyes of others is being a hole to fuck until someone actually worthy of investing time in a relationship comes along. I know this is highschool, I know that the relationships now will likely be petty anyway, but maybe that's what I want right now. Something to put effort and emotion into, something to make me feel happy and desirable until I go off to college. Because right now my emotions tend to run more along the lines of listless, pathetic, and unwanted. But hey I guess these are just the social repercussions of liking sex, and not waiting to have sex. You become an easy fuck, nothing more. There's no reason to have a relationship if you've already gotten the main objective of that interaction.
It's easy to get laid, it happens without trying. Getting someone to actually like you is much more difficult. I'm apparently especially no good at it.

Aw Frick

So long time no talk, it's hard to remember to write in this when it's not bookmarked on my internet. u3u
In any case there's this guy, Trey, and we've been in the same safety and first aid class since the start of the semester. Recently his girlfriend broke up with him, and since then we've hooked up, several times. He's small, so at first I was unsure if I'd want to pursue things with him, but by golly does he know how to work with what he has. I think he naturally hits my especially sensitive spot, which is frikken sweet, plus he's coordinated as fuck, what with being a boxer. In any case, apart from being quite gifted when it comes to sex, he's really kind and romantic and shit, and honestly I'm worried that I might fall for him. The way he cuddles with me and kisses me, just make me want more than what we have, but he just got out of a long relationship and he's still hurting and I just don't think that's on his mind at all.
He came over today, and I found out he's also a natural dom. He just knew exactly what buttons to push and for how long, and basically made me lose my mind, literally. My sense of what sub-space is exactly is not very clear, but I'm pretty sure he put me there hard. After he untied me, I just kind of flopped over in a melty puddle of vague bliss and this incredible intense emotional wanting. I grabbed him behind the neck and kissed him, hard. When we were cuddling, and my brain was still pretty cloudy I told him, in very simple, mixed up terms that I "Liked the crap out of him." He said something about how crazy it was that "she" gave that up. It took me several repetitions to understand what he meant. I suppose in that moment he was the only person in my mind, and remembering the rest of the world was hard. But after a few minutes I finally came out of it and we got dressed (I stole his underwear, they're Flash undies and they fit me perfectly) and I took him home. His ex thinks he has a new girlfriend. I wonder if she thinks it's me? But he knows everyone, so there are probably other girls who would be more likely candidates, as they travel within his social circles.
I dunno if I'll be able to juggle him and Max. I still want to do things with both of them, but at the moment my brain is just kind of occupied. Shit. There goes my claims to being impervious to falling for someone I fuck.
;3; damnit.

Trying

I'm trying to write a response to my dad. I'm jut kind of feeling ill, and I've not gotten very far.

I stayed home from school today to try to work on make up work. I couldn't find the book I needed, and I couldn't do my online coursework because my mom took the computer away from me so I'd d my work. I spent the day on tumblr on my phone and giving myself blisters over pointless things.

I tried to talk to a guy I think is cool over face book. I tried to be interesting. He stopped replying soon after. I couldn't think of anything else to say that would bring him back.

I'm trying to not be depressed, to not be angry, to not be a lazy good for nothing. I'm not doing very well.

Tired

I've been tired for two weeks straight now. I can sleep a full 9 hours at night and still wake up tired and sleep trough my sixth period and get home and want to take a nap. If I take a nap (a three hour one, likely) I'll wake up, go up stairs and want to go right back down to sleep some more. I just want to sleep. Right now I just want to sleep and cry, because I know I have so much stuff that I need to do but I just can't do it. Part of it is depression or apathy or whatever, but mostly I think I'm just using all of that as an excuse to not do anything. I can't even begin to make a start on anything I need to do. I just want to sleep in tomorrow. Wake up late, maybe eat an egg for breakfast, then go outside with a blanket and sleep in the sun. Maybe walk to get the mail. Maybe go explore down at the park. Then I could come home and curl up inside my blanket fort and do nothing for a few hours. But I can't. I'm failing four classes, and a lot of that is participation points because I miss so much of my morning classes. If I did stay home I'd need to write papers and do math work and clean up the mess I've made in the kitchen. I'd have laundry to do, and my room to clean, and of course there's that spare room that somehow turned into a disgusting disaster. I feel especially trapped because my car has been smoking sometimes after I drive it, a guy outside of a pizza place said it was just some oil leaking onto the engine or something. Gonna get that checked out. Mom's coming home tomorrow. I'm glad because I won't be alone with my depression, but it also means I'll just be twice as pressured about the things I have to do. Why can't I just do things? My therapist says it's because my mom never made me do things when I was a kid. She didn't make me shower, or clean my room, or any of that. She couldn't handle the conflict, so she just let me do what I wanted. While that has cultivated a wonderful philosophical maturity in me, it has also apparently turned me into an impulsive slob. But that just feels like a cop out. My therapist also says that I should try to be my own parent since I have a strong internal voice, but I just can't do it. I ignore myself. I get angry at myself like I get mad at my mom when she tells me to do something. I just can't handle it. So basically I'm fucked on that front.
I've eaten nothing but candy and half a bowl of ramen today. There's not much else to eat, but I can't go buy groceries since I've misplaced the card my mum gave me for food. Which has been something of a problem. I really need to find that. But even if I did get groceries, I feel like I still wouldn't have eaten much. I sometimes get so indecisive I can't even eat.

Also I'm feeling shitty about drawing again. Just feeling extra fuck-upish lately I guess. I can't even think about writing back to my dad. I need to really bad though. Fuck. fuck fuck fuck. I thought about Nic today and it made me really sad and lonely. I want to love someone. I want someone to love me. 

Burgers

My dad wrote back again. This is the second exchange between us. I just want to cry right now because he's hurt, and he didn't expect for all of this to happen and my mum and he were re-negotiating the terms for divorce at the time so he was out of his mind antagonized and stressed. He expected me to call the next day. He has a shitty way of wording "if you want to talk, call." Kind of different meaning from "call when you're ready to have a relationship." But fuck, man. Two years. Because my mom wanted more money from him, because he don't want to give it, because of a few fucked up words.
This is so hard to do. I've never had to patch up anything before, let alone something like this. It makes me want to be sick, it makes me want to go back to the simple and subtle hurt of nothingness. This shouldn't be so fucking herd, I don't want it to be. I don't like it. But I want to be able to talk to my dad again. I want him to come to my graduation. I want him to visit me in san francisco sometimes. I want to talk to him about his business travels, and I guess about me and about all that bat-shit philosophy he believes in. He never got why I wanted to talk about him so much when I was a kid.  It's because I don't really know him that much. I never got a solid picture of my dad, I think at least a bit of it is leeched off of my friend's fathers, after third grade, when he wasn't around anymore, thats when I think a lot of kids started forming pictures of their parents as individuals rather than the god-like enigma they so often are to children.
I can't even think about it right now. I can't even process the letter. I don't know if I want to. What I want to do is go eat shitty mcdonald's burgers at a park with someone.

I think I'll take a walk, through the late morning chill and dew. Feel the sun on my hair and my skin and my clothes. Smell the earth stirring and waking, smell the rain-smell left curiously behind by nothing. I will search for daffodils. I will look for memories and small pictures long since buried under distasteful things. Under bad thoughts, and sad nights. I will try to find the memories, the reasons why. I will try to understand why I've tried. I will try to find that same feeling I used to have. As the earth stirs and stretches and wakes it's life, I will try to do the same, for you. Because I remember the daffodil.

Balls

Good balls though, I promise. Not really any actually, that just felt right for a title, yanno? In any case it's finally spring break and right on cue it's snowing. But I don't even care, I'm just glad to have so time off. I hung out with Patrick, Brent, Alex, and Chris after school. We went and smoked and I swear to cripes I've never been that high and I smoke a quarter of what  they did. We went to eat at this awesome asian restaurant, and after that I was pretty cleared up and I went home to pass out for a few hours. Hopefully Scooter can chill after the concert he's at. Oh also, Brent wants to go on a date (???) before I leave for SF. He said nothing romantic, so I'm approaching it with caution and hoping it's just well intents and nothing creepy. I'll probably hang out with his friends a few more times before summer anyway, seeing as Patrick is a cool motherfucker.
Not too much has gone on this week since Monday really, and I already talked about that. I've got some points to start on that letter to my dad, so I think I'm gonna do that tomorrow, finally. I feel shitty for making him wait like I had to.
So yeah, just checking in and junk. Maybe I'll go clean my room. I don't really want to, but it's getting pretty questionable. I could at least empty my trash and clear out the plates, stuff my petticoats in the closet and what not.

Bluh I smell like smoke. Ugh. Only downside, those guys smoke like fucking chimneys. 

And I was Doing so Well

I was emailing my college to register, finishing applications, getting pumped to draw some more, and hang out with people.
But then no one replies. They just look at the message and put away their phones. I'm trying not to blame myself for being obnoxious and needy. I'm trying to see the other possibilities like my therapist tells me to. But I still feel like shit anyway~ I just want to spend time with people I care about.


I was hoping to get some food but I think I'll just go sit in an uncomfortable corner and try not to cry~

Update Yo

So yeah. Life's been keepin' on. Mostly I'm just ignoring all the things I should be doing in favour of less important things/internet junk. Also this blanket fort is the shit and I'm just gonna end up living in here forever. Partyin' hard.

Uhm specific stuff that's gone down.

I hung out with Scout on tuesday or wednesday and she did my hair~ It's totally sweet, all green and purple and blue and red and junk. I need to take pictures of it but I'm a lazy butt.

Then I hung out with Scooter and Eliseo annnnnnnd I finally got with Eliseo. May I just say he has a very splendid member that fits with me quite nicely. 

Though on that note I feel kind of ashamed and stupid for not using condoms very much. I'm on birth control and shit, but then I hear people who are on it too still being adamant about condoms and I just feel like a bit of a fuck-up. I just forget about them and shit like STIs when I'm right there with someone. And if a guy does wear one he's fucking with it every five seconds and I've just never had a good experience with them. But I need to start having people use them because when I go to SF it's gonna be way more likely that people have STIs just because it's a huge city. Is it bad that I just prefer to not use them? Probably -3-

I went and got an application for a gardening shop yesterday with my mum. And I was super motivated to fill it out and go and turn it in today, but of course my mum had to crush my motivation the moment I woke up. I come upstairs and am standing there trying to collect myself when she just bursts open about how she's checked parent portal, and I have three Fs and she's going to nag me about it and I just deflated. Sitting outside helped me a bit, but now I'm really just hiding from her down stairs because I now feel unmotivated as well as guilty for wanting to work on my application today, even though she was nagging me about that on friday as well. I want to work on drawing too, but I doubt she'd think that was productive; and I need to get back to the art college but I'm too much of a paranoid fuck to do that. So basically I'm just a stressed useless mess right now. I just want to sink into my couch and not have anyone find me so I can be warm and cozy and happy without any worries.

Werp Flerp

I've not updated in a while, not for lack of doing things though, I suppose I've just not had the motivation. This isn't going to be a chronological entry, so sorry if you were getting used to those. Stream of consciousness ftw.
Right now I'm sitting inside this totally bad-ass blanket fort that Jude and I made. Since my mom was gone most of this week she was over to hang out and be around so I wouldn't go crazy with loneliness being all on my own. It was actually really awesome to just chill and chat with her. It makes me less afraid to go to SF, because she'll be there. We had a lot of time to hang out too, seeing as we're on a testing schedule for the underclassmen. I go to school for two hours and then the rest of the day is free to do whatever. I slept a lot. But on Tuesday I went to see a concert with Scooter. It was like, 7 death core/screamo/whatever bands and quite a few of them I actually enjoyed very much .o. One, Famous Last Words, I even got a t-shirt for, and also a pin :3 It was a really fun evening, and I got to talk to a lot of band members and new humans~ I also spent wayyyy too much money but whatevers. The next day I hung out with Jude and Kevin, and then just Jude again while I tried to write an essay. I didn't get much done ;3; I've just been too tired this week for proper thinking.
I got a letter from my Dad. Like in my dream he'd been to afraid that it wouldn't be perfect to send it. It's a very pointed letter. I didn't really have any emotion after reading it. I need to write a reply soon, but I've kind of forgotten all the things we talked about at my therapy. I just don't know where to go. I guess he left questions for  me to answer. But I don't have any questions that I can think of... I guess that's what's really holding me back. I'll figure something out.
I want to see Scout really bad, I miss the shit out of her.

Ahm gonna draw more sad vampire girls now.

And so it Continues

Still feeling gross and lonely and shit. I'm also now suddenly stressed about the convention that is suddenly this weekend. I dunno. I just with I could have put something together for it. I thought I had more time. But alas, I fucking didn't. I feel too depressed to even sleep. I just want to sit and stare at things until my problems go away.

Edit:
I got an idea for a simple, cheap gijinka ampharos outfit. I just need a white hoodie, black long-sleeved shirt and some yellow fabric dye. I figure since I never wear my white skinny jeans I might as well put them to good use. This all makes me feel better, but it still remains that it's 11 o'clock and I'm still awake, and I don't feel tired at all. Man, school is gonna be ass tomorrow.

Bluh

I started taking my anti-depressants in the morning, and I dunno if this is just circumstantial or what, but I'm been getting kind of bummed out late in the evening. I dunno. I think I'll switch back to taking them at night.
Also really sweet gifs of couples kissing and junk and it's not helping my mood too much. Bluh.
Anyway, today it snowed like a motherfucker, but apparently the roads are okay (by my mum's boyfriend's standards) So somehow I doubt we'll get a snow day tomorrow. But if we did that would be the shit. Scout and I were talking about what we'd do and basically it'd be magic movie party time. Please school, please let there be a snow day ;3;

This weekend was pretty rad. On friday I hung out with Scooter all evening. I picked him up and we hung around and chatted. He showed me all his metal-ish music and I just kind of grinned and humored him and his claims of listening to "hardcore" metal. Gurl. No. Sorry but just... none of that is anything that I would even begin to label as hardcore. I mean the music wasn't bad, but I've fallen asleep to heavier music before. Anyway, I burnt the shit out of pot stickers for us, but they still tasted pretty good. Then I went to drop him off at a trampoline center thing, but ended up going along with him, andit was shit loads of totally un-graceful fun. Foam pits man. Never has there been a more awkward place to navigate through.

Saturday was a birthday meetup for some local lolitas. It was a huge one, fourteen people came, but we were split into a few smaller tables so it wasn't total chaos. The tea house that it was at was also a bed and breakfast, and it was just the loveliest place.~ The food and tea was all just so delicious. I sat at a table with Scout, and two other really nice lolis. Unfortunately this other awful loli that no one likes was sitting with us too, but she's really quiet unless she's complaining, so she was pretty easy to ignore. After tea Scout and I went to this beauty shop that had a lot of wigs. When I first walked into the salon part and saw that everyone was black I got really self-conscious though. I always feel like I'm going to accidentally be racist or something. Luckily people just thought we were cute as fuck, seeing as we were both still in loli. Two people took our pictures. One of them was this guy who "Saw us on the security cameras and had to check it out" and he posed with his arms around us. It wasn't creepy though, he just really thought we were adorable. Scout and I both got wig caps and false eyelashes. Hopefully the ones I got are short enough that I can wear them with glasses.

So now we're back where we stared. I hope school is closed tomorrow, the roads sound atrocious. But my district hates snow days, so likely we won't get one. No way I'm driving on the roads though. Sick day for me, yo.

Lots to Catch up On.

Well Thursday is the day I left off on, so let's start there.
Surprisingly enough I wasn't instantly put in an awful mood the second I saw a gaggle of girls with their gigantic teddy bears and roses and such. I certainly didn't enjoy all the romantic shit smooshed around in my face, but it didn't tip me into any crazy depressions or anything. At Pam's I let her know that I was going to start reading Scout's blog again. She seemed a bit nervous about that, but honestly I think it's better for me to know what's going on with my best friend than sit with my head in the sand hoping that I can make up for that with my awful communication skills. On the way home from therapy I stopped by Scout's house, because she said she had something for me. She came downstairs with this lovely bouquet of blush-pink tulips and sunflowers~! She said that she didn't want me to be sad on valentines day, it was the most thoughtful thing, I feel like I didn't even thank her properly. Then she also gave me a little pearl necklace on a gold chain. She'd bought a diamond one at the same time from the same antique shop, so she said that they were like friendship necklaces. The second I got in my car and was able to but the flowers down I put it on and grinned to myself for at least a minute. I left when I realized it'd be really creepy if she came outside to go to her appointment and I was still sitting in front of her house. Then later, much much later, Arianna and Miranda picked me up and we all went to Fascinations for something of a single ladies night out I guess??? I was finally able to spend most of that $40 gift card that my mum got me forever ago. I got some purple silk rope (It's the best) and a short crop with a spade shaped head(?) After that we went to Denny's then parted ways. It was a really great evening, and I was super glad to see both Arianna and Miranda again. Though I must say, in a group of fine ladies, all of whom are single, in a sex shop, and attracted to women, the "joking" but actually completely serious flirting that was happening was just in such painful quantities it was preposterous. Goodness Gracious.

The next day I had off from school, which was fantastic to have a bit of a break. In the afternoon I texted Scout to see if she wanted to go shopping and we did~ We met up at the mall and it was awesome to see her again, for longer than a few minutes. She had just left her mom's house, to live with her Dad, and she seemed really happy. I was glad to see her spirits lifted. We got matching Supernatural shirts, and just generally had a good time. We then went out for burgers and talked about her leaving and about our feely feels and all that. We've not talked about that for a really long time, and it was kind of good to hear Scout talk about her personal problems and such. I ended up tailing her to her Dad's to spend the night and we got ice cream and soda and popcorn and this really freaky movie and hung out and took her brother to a party and made incredibly long run on sentences. In the morning when her Dad and Step-mom were talking to Scout about what had happened I was just so blown away by how nice and understanding they were being. I really think staying with them will be a good thing. And when I asked my mum she said Scout could stay at our place if she ever wanted to as well. *0*

Any way I spent the rest of the weekend in solitude or hanging out with my mum. On monday and tuesday evening we looked at glasses frames. I found some I like at Target, but on the whole they were kind of mediocre. Oh, and I explained the whole neck beard/"nice guy" phenomena to my mom over dinner one night, it was great X3 On Monday I went shopping. My first stop was to Joann's, to take advantage of their president's day sale. I got a lot of embroidery thread and some needles, for project that I have planned. I was wanting to take up a hobby to cut down on my internet time and embroidery has come out as my favorite option. I'm going to start out small, but I want to work my way to thread painting~

Anyway today was pretty average. Eliseo got back from his suspension finally, it was cool to have him around to chat with again. I finished up season 5 of Supernatural. All of my what. And I got about a third of the way done with the wrapper for Michelle's "Cunt Muffin" pillow, I wanted to keep going, but it was late and my left hand was sore from gripping the embroidery hoop so hard. I should be asleep already so I can get up early to go take a picture with the GSA for yearbook. But I just... don't want to. I don't even want to go to lifeguard training, but I skipped once and I missed a lot, so I guess I should go. I know all the GSA people are gonna gripe at me for not being there, and I'll probably regret it later, but I guess I'm just done with them right now, and goodness knows I respond so well to their guilt tripping, like I do with it from anywhere else. Anyway, I'm actually hella tired no so I shall be off. Goodnight.

Huge shocker, I'm feeling depressed again. I'm in English class right now, we're supposed to be writing an essay about Kind Lear, but I can't move myself to do something productive. I have this drawing that I want to do for a pin, and I'm really liking it so far, even though it's not very far yet. I just want to go to the bathroom and curl up in the corner and try to hold myself together for a few minutes. I'd go home, but I've missed a lot of school this semester, I just need to keep going. The rest of my classes are easy and such, so I can do it. I have a lot of food at home to eat and maybe there will be something good for lunch. I'm just typing to keep myself calm right now, so sorry if it's stupid rambling.
I'm excited for the birthday loli meet. I think it's this weekend? I've had my outfit planned for a month at least. I've done a lot of stuff lately I guess. But thinking back about all I've done just makes me think about how much time has passed and how my dad hasn't replied and how I don't see Scout any more and I miss her so much and I miss my dad, and I miss the happy feeling that I had for two weeks, but now it's gone and I'm just depressed again. This depression feels more poignant than anything before. I wonder if that's because I know what it is, or is it actually worse?
Are my airways closing because I'm a bit panicked or is it because my nose has been snuffly. Is it just my head band just making my head feel like it's in a vise. I need distraction, but this is quiet work time, and the second any distraction is gone the feeling comes seeping back. But it's so slow. I know it's coming but it just hasn't come yet. I just hurt deep in my chest and in my skull, in the very walls. I need to do this stupid project for english still but it's never going to happen, not with me as a leader. I can't get things done.

I don't want to be happy, it doesn't feel right. It feel unnatural when something distracts me and a smile tries to stretch across my face. I'd rather feel nothing, that's easy to feel, nothing is easy to understand. It's an emotion that I am familiar with. When I feel nothing I open up a hole in my head and let meaningless words drip out of my skull until my whole body feels numb or in gentle pain thanks to my body chemistry or some trick of the brain. I think I need to get up and leave for a second, just to get out of this environment and away from the computer and from this depressing introspection that I'm so good at. But I feel stuck. I feel like I can't move. I can't stop typing. Ugh here goes. Come on. Just get up, just stop.

Oh, people are talking about valentines day. It's lucky for me that I have therapy that day. It's just a day to remind me of how alone I am. I don't place a lot of importance of valentines day, even when I have someone to share it with. But I feel like with the increase of girls walking around with flowers and teddy bears and kissing boyfriends and other such tokens of emotional connection I'm not going to be very chipper. I'll just be reminded of how I don't have those things. As always, I ask why? What's unappealing about me? People say I'm pretty, that I'm intelligent and nice or whatever. Wouldn't that attract some one. Well I suppose I have attracted people, they just all happen to be less than desirable. Yanno, overweight, prematurely balding, creepily eager. Or there's the scrawny, greasy, socially awkward, deeply disturbing type. And those people make me feel so great about myself. That the only people interested in me are bottom of the barrel, as rude as that sounds. People date within their levels most of the time right? There must be something about me that attracts those types of people rather than anyone interesting and minimally adjusted. Class is almost over. Have to go now.

Sad I Guess

I shouldn't be though. I went out and hung out with people today. I helped Scooter feel better about a lame situation with his girlfriend, and we went and hung out with Eliseo who has a really cool mom, and it was really nice. But now that I've been home for a while, and I've wallowed around on the internet, and remembered some things that are gone, I just can't feel happy. I'm so lonely I can hardly even stand it. I keep telling myself it's just because I don't have a significant other, but that's only a tiny part of it. I go to school and I'm surrounded by strangers and half-friends who I'll never get to know because they don't really want to hang out, or they don't have the energy for it, or whatever reason they have for never getting to know me outside of school. I go home, and I'm in an empty house until six, or maybe the next day if my mom decides to not come home. While I'm home I'm on the internet or watching t.v. trying to glean some sort of half-contact from other living things. But it's never enough. It isn't the same as connecting with someone who's a foot away from you. You can't have the same sort of relationship with a person hundreds of miles away as you can with a person sitting right in front of you. Then, when I go to bed (early by most standards, nine or ten) I think about all the people I want to be with, but never will be. Because I lack the courage, because they aren't for me, because they're gone. And then I go to sleep, and I dream of people and things that I'll likely never have. I love my dreams though, maybe that's why even my nightmares don't scare me anymore. They're more than anything I could ever ask for in real life. In my dreams I can spend time with friends, I can be close to people I can't really be with. In dreams my stepmom can assure me that my Dad's just as scared as I am. That the reason he hasn't wrote back for three and a half weeks is that he's scared and he wants his letter to me to be perfect.

Why the fuck hasn't he written back? I finally do it, I finally reach out after two years. After countless cards from him on my birthday and holidays. He can't be doing this on purpose. Did he never get the letter? Did something happen to him? Did he not like what I wrote him? I'm so alone already, I don't want this to be happening. It would be so wonderful if I could just have this one thing. If I could just have my dad back. Maybe with him and my mom talking to me every once in a while I could feel like I actually have half a parent, hell, maybe even a whole one.

I just want to feel like I'm not the only living person in a ten mile radius. That I have people who care about me. And I know I do, it's just hard to remember that sometimes.

Whelp.

Well I hung out with Eliseo and his friends after school today and found out he has a girl friend. Of course. Because anyone I’m interested in always finds a better girl than me. Someone prettier, or funnier, or more sociable. But if someone does like me they’re either unstable or not at all attractive to me. I guess I’m just under the line of requirement for girls that attractive interesting guys want to date. I’m not worth their time except as a half-acquaintance, if even that. I just want someone to give my affection to for a little while. I don’t think I can wait until I get to San Francisco, I’ll have gotten so lonely and dead inside it’ll be forever until I even want to try to socialize with any one, for any reason. Jude and I will just sit alone in our apartment feeling depressed and watching anime together and smoking weed. Ugh.
Anyway, that was earlier today, and I've had some time to stew in imaginary magyks and supernatural so I feel better. I also ate a third a container of frosting. That probably helped with things. I don't think it'll be the end of the world if I don't date anyone. But my vagina might become sentient and rip itself out of my body to find fresher hunting grounds.

Though I am pretty good at getting one night stands. I guess that would be a good thing if I didn't also need some romantic affection every now and then. I guess people just don't see me as someone that they would want to get to know on a deep level. Or someone they want to spend time with. I can get that. My exterior is probably the most interesting thing about me. I can see why people wouldn't want to get to know anything deeper than that.
I don't really think I want to go to sadie's anymore. It'll just be me walking around awkwardly in a pulsing and gyrating room full of strangers who don't like me much. I kind of want to ask Arianna, but there are forms and shit we'd have to fill out, and she'd have to see my ugly self-conscious side, that I like to pretend doesn't exist. I really am feeling kind of not the best. I asked if Arianna wanted to come over tonight, but she's at a wedding party.
I kind of miss checking Scout's blog. And Scout, I'm sorry but my therapist said that maybe your blog wasn't the best place to get my information about your life from, because it hurts to see someone I love being so in pain and being unable to do anything about it. I still care, I'm still here. I just won't know every detail. I'd still like to talk about stuff that's going on though, I want to be around for you. So I need to remember to text you more and junk.
Anyway even though I ate a whole bag of popcorn I'm still hungry, so maybe I'll try to find something to eat? I don't really even know what we have in the house, except for foods that are really shitty for you. And all this feeling eating I've been doing lately is showing up a bit on my stomach, and it might be good if I at least ate one healthy thing today. I wish that the room with the treadmill didn't smell like cat piss, or else I'd try running a bit. Whatevers. Maybe I'll try starting Naked Lunch. Or try to draw maybe. I need to draw more, or else I'm gonna be fucked when I get to college.

Fricking Frick

I got Eliseo's number today. I asked if he wanted to hang out, but then he didn't reply, so I'm just sitting around drowning out my confusion with metal music. He was flirting back and forth with me and it was getting quite blatantly sexual. But I guess he wasn't really being serious like he said u-u I guess I cleaned up my room last night for nothing. I wouldn't have even been bothered if he just wanted to hang out and not do anything promiscuous, cause he seems like a really cool guy, and I'm bummed that I didn't get to know him sooner -3-
Really I'd just like to talk to anyone. Bluh. I'm just in a shitty mood I suppose. But I need to snap out of it, because I guess I have shit to do. I need to get stuff from Disguises, but I don't want to do anything at all. Except maybe eat my feelings, but really I don't even want that much. I really just want to know what lines I crossed with Eliseo, or what ever the fuck happened there. Maybe I could lay around in the fetal position for a while. Part of me wants to check the mail. But I don't think I could handle the crushing disappointment of there being nothing there like every other time I've checked. It's kind of hard to stay positive when everything is trending towards lame and shitty.

Good Weekend

My loli event at the butterfly pavilion happened last weekend. It was such a fun time, even if only three girls were able to come. It would have been more fun if Scout had been there, but she was grounded u-u
The rest of the weekend passed pretty uneventfully.
And today was pretty good too. Scout was at school which was really nice, I missed having her around. I also got a lot more work done on my cheshire cat. It's coming along quite nicely now that I have some other colours on it aside from purple, yellow, blue, and green. However, it's not as vibrant as I had hoped it would be, which is a bummer, but it is just a thing for a dance. Speaking of dry humping... heh. Oh no, but that does make me think of someone who's been on my mind like, constantly for a while now. I can't remember if I ever talked about Eliseo, but I've basically been lusting after him since the start of the school year, and it just keeps getting worse, because I'm talking to him more and we're comfortable enough around each other for that casual, conversational touching and messing around with each other. This has made my lady boner for him about a million times bigger. I swear my sexual frustration is like an ocean, and it's driving me to do crazy things like heavily flirt with him. Oh gosh. I flirted with him so hard today. It wasn't even subtle. With the way things are going I'm just going to grab him by the lapels tomorrow and tell him to fuck me. Which might work. Though he might have a girlfriend. Or be gay. Who knows. I've not had that misfortune yet, so it's probably my turn for something like that pretty soon.
But basically my mood has been "So horny I want to punch a wall" so there's not been too much of anything interesting going on. 

Really Tired

I've not been getting enough sleep, for sure, but this is something beyond that. I'm just so tired. On an emotional level, I'm running on fumes. I'm trying to reach out to some people. Trying to talk to Eliseo more, on a deeper level, be nice to kids in class. I told Michelle that I really would love for her to come over and hang out. I need to try Arianna, she always is really cool to hang around. But I guess for now I just need to try and fill myself up with happy things on tumblr and my online friends. 

Maybe it's the shock of coming back from being so euphoric in SF, the normal dulldrums of real life are even more disappointing than normal.

I guess I could go take a walk to get my swim stuff out of my car and check the mail to see if there's any word from my dad. That would be one less shitty thing probably. 

Thanks mom

My mom really upsets and confuses me sometimes. At first she's really excited for me to go to college and is helping me look for places and is being really reassuring. And art college isn't cheap, so I start to feel horrible about how much it's going to cost her and how much of a failure I feel like. But she's there reassuring me that I should follow this dream, and she'll find a way to pay for it and it's absolutely no problem. She eagerly plans a trip to San Francisco so we can check out the college, she's more excited than me about going there for college at first. But then, finally after bringing up my guilt in therapy and reassuring myself that it's okay for me to go to this school, I get just as excited as her. In SF I'm beaming ear to ear about my prospective future. I'm not scared about college for once in my life.
Then of course a day after we get home she's back to her old ways. Back to telling me that if I can't do simple house chores I won't be able to make it in college. That she's paying all this money for me to go to school but I'm just a lazy and ungrateful child. Well thanks for just reopening all those old wounds of fear self-hate and cavernous doubt. I'm sure I'll be able to recover in time to not pull a self-fulfilling prophecy, get to college, break like an eggshell under the pressure and wind up a depressed anti-social retail saleperson like my sister. Thanks for the votes of confidence. Thanks for asking why I didn't do anything today even though I've been full of energy thanks to my anti-depressants lately. Oh, certainly it's not like I spent an entire night worried for my best friend, and I couldn't possibly have had a fairly shitty day at school. It's out of the question that I dropped everything and went straight to my room to drown out my anger and my emptiness with mindless internet time and watching and making porn to feel sexually fulfilled. Gosh. That sure sounds a lot like what Jude did, huh? Gosh maybe your shitty, contradictory parenting style isn't working! Wowee. Never would have guessed. Now just get me the fuck out of here so I can try to undo what I'm sure is an astounding amount of mental damage.

I swear I'll get around to talking about how awesome SF was eventually.

nonononono

Scout sounds like shes going to kill herself an I don;t know what to do, I"m just sittng in my bedroom staring at my phone trying not to text her every five seconds I'm so scared waht do I do?? WHo do I call. I feel like I sould go to her house see if shes okay but she might just be away from her phone and I don;t want to be even more of a freak that I already am and freak her out and i don't know what do I do please scout please fuvk fuvking god/

UPDATE: Oh no, actually I just am paranoid as shit and can't read. Whoops.

I'll be Off Soon

Talking with my therapist today was really good. I was able to work through some things and I have the knowledge that I need to not place everything on my future, or at least not be so concerned with success or failure. So I think I'm just a tiny bit more prepared to go off to California. Just take it a day at a time and don't get to stressed or too concerned with my future. It's important, but it is also a vacation and a really fun trip, so I need to let it be that.
I can't lie though, I'm still feeling a bit nervous. Part of me is really worried that I won't like SF, but so many people have told me that it's great so I'm just going to try not to think about that too hard and just go for it. And pester the shit out of everyone on my way to the airport in an attempt to calm down.

So I guess here I come future. Oh man. I hope I remembered to pack everything .3.

Fuuuutuuuuuuuurrrree

Tomorrow evening I'll be on a flight to SF to check out the college I decided to go to. What in the actual what. It's just barely registering with me what a big deal this is, I have no idea what I'm doing really, and I'm honestly a bit worried. One thing that takes some weight off my shoulders though, I won't have to live in the dorms. This is amazing for a lot of reasons, firstly being that I wouldn't want to subject anyone to my disgusting living habits, I also don't want to have to deal with anyone else's living habits. Plus there's my whole social anxiety deal and my depression and my ridiculous libido. And honestly, it just wouldn't do me any good. My mom wanted me to live in the dorms because I would socialize and make connections, but that's the last place that I would be comfortable making connections in. Not to mention I will be leaving my room to, yanno, go to classes and shit. I might just maybe meet people through there. Plus the awesome part about Jude coming with me is that I have a tangible safety line. There's a bit of home coming along with me so that I don't have to try to keep myself afloat in a completely foreign, completely hostile environment. Plus we're so similar we get along hella well.

Anyway, I just have to hope and pray that tomorrow I can get out of swimming for safety and first aid because that is the most stupid bullshit ever and if I had known there would be swimming I wouldn't have taken that class. Plus I can't swim for shit. Woo I can kind of float around and not die too bad. That's it. Literally.

Also I'm really glad I have therapy tomorrow. This has been a relatively shitty week.

Still no word from my dad.

MLK jr. Day Now

Oh ho ho ho, so clever. Anyway, today and yesterday evening were pretty nifty. Today I mostly just sat around and listened to punk music and watched Star Trek, which was a good time, lots of feely feels. Then my mum and I cooked dinner together again, for the second night in a row. Salmon, kale, and forbidden rice (just a fancy name for black rice.) It was hella tasty and I'm really full without even having huge portions, which is odd because usually I use steam shovels as my utensils X3
Yesterday evening then Scout and I reconciled, and even though I'm still really worried about her, I think I can give her enough space to make her own choices. She doesn't want me breathing down her neck right now, and that's probably not what she needs either. But with our bro-status reinstated we went to crash the mall (pffft.) Though the mall closes at six on sundays so we didn't actually have much time, but I got to spend a gift card I had, and got a sweet shirt so that's awesome. When I got home my mum and I collaborated on the first healthy dinner of (hopefully) many to come. It was New York steak -grilled to perfection, my mum's a "grill master" to use her own words- then sauteed mushrooms and a little salad. I helped out with the mushrooms on that one, and even did that fancy flipping thing with the pan, which made me feel hella cool. And then I spent the evening camming with a very interesting new friend, Ethan. He is painfully adorable and such, but kind of depressed too which is lame ;3;

I have the potential of a letter from my Dad sitting in the back of my head. Mine likely got sent out friday or saturday, and I've not heard anything from him yet. I didn't check the mail today though. I'm excited to talk to him again just because it seems like I'm actually doing things now and I have things to talk about. It's funny to think back about when he thought I was smoking weed because my grades were poor and I never did anything, and it would seem that I was actually just depressed. Oh goody. Anyway, I still have work to do on my Cheshire cat, so I'm off to do that.

MLK jr. Day Soon

It feels super strange that I still have another day left in this weekend. I'm just not sure what to do with myself. I guess I need to keep working on a Cheshire cat design, to get one really solid so that I'm ready to go on Tuesday when I get back to school and I need to work on the huge painting I'm doing for the upcoming Sadie Hawkins dance. The theme is Alice in Wonderland, which is cool, or would be if it weren't the atrocious Tim Burton version. It was interesting, but I'm honestly just tired of him. Oh look! Tim Burton's coming out with a new film! It's kind of like this traditional story, but DARK and EDGY. Oh and the two starring characters, you've probably never heard of them, it's his wife and this really silly guy Johnny Depp. I'm sure it'll be really ground breaking and new and totally not just more pander for the goth kids who shop exclusively at hot topic and are equally edgy and dark. I just feel like, with such a cool theme, why restrict yourself to the mass produced poses and character designs that everyone has seen? Which is why I'm excited that I was able to snatch up the Cheshire cat because I could do so much with him. I really want to take most of my influence from the original illustrations and Luis Wain's later work with his "wallpaper" cats. I only have three weeks to get it done though, so I'm going to have to work really hard and really fast. Luckily there won't be any shading and I'm going to plan out the colours before-hand so I can make a huge batch of it and just get it done colour by colour and I won't have to waste time with mixing or sitting around trying to plan it as I go. Also as a side note, I used to draw cats all the motherfukken time, so I was pretty good (for my age) But I don't ever draw cats any more and they all kind of look like weird potatoes. So maybe I should make sure I can draw a cat before I try to paint an enormous panel of a cat.

Anywho, yesterday I went to the Indian Market with Arianna and it was a really great time. I love going there, and having her along was super fun. As per the requirements of nostalgia I got a tail and an opal ring. The tail is white an super fluffy and short, and made me think of this idea for a fursona which is a mix between a lynx and a Jacobs Sheep. (If you don't know what they are they are the most fucking metal animal in the universe.) And the ring is super gorgeous and I'm really glad I got it. It's made up of three wires that don't connect and end in little circular nodes with opals on them. It's really organic and pretty~

Anywho againywho. I really want to go shopping or somefin. I need to get some light blue tights for a choord idea I had, and I just want to go do stuff. Though of course I currently look a mess. My hair is just not wanting to cooperate, it's all frizzy and going everywhere. I need to dye this business some time this weekend .3. Uhmmmm also I just guess I have a craving for nice new clothes, and new things to make outfits with. If I learned how to sew well I'm sure it would be a lot easier to keep a new wardrobe, because You can just go to the fabric store with an idea in mind and make something awesome and new, and then you get to wear it. Omg. I could probably make some skirts and little shorts to start with, so I can get practice. It would be really fun to make an old school styled loli skirt, with the tiers on the side and all that junk. Goodness gracious -3- I need to find something to do.

Crying Drunk

I swear it feels like I'm under the influence of something I cried so hard earlier. Kinda loopy, in a really dangerous way. I can feel myself teetering on a really fine line.

I feel like I should do some cleaning today so that when my mom gets home tomorrow she doesn't have that to freak out about as well as the new hole I put in the wall earlier.

Don't get attached to me, because I can guarantee you I will get about 200% more attached to you and make every one of your problems my problem and I just can't handle getting my heart ripped out because you don't want my concern.

I certainly felt like something got ripped out. Though, in the heat of the moment it felt more like my mind. It was wiped clean and all there was inside of me was loud sobs and they wideness of my eyes. So wide, staring through my arms and my fingers, wildly afraid, searching for danger as I broke into my moment of exquisite pain. The cuts of depression and sadness run even deeper when you've been happy for a while. It was all I could do to lay on the floor and occasionally clear my airways of thick clotted saliva so I didn't suffocate.

I have no control, but it is the most beautiful thing that I can experience such wild and powerful and violent emotions and let them run through me, rack me, and accept it, and let it slide away underneath my consciousness. I am a stone subjected to the water's currents. I will not be ground to sand. I will let the waves cradle me, smooth me, and wash me up to shore. I don't care, because I can be serene more often than I am wounded. I don't care and it's beautiful. In this moment, it's all I feel is true.