Lots Going On

And suddenly social life! I think I've been around people for the majority of my weekend, which is not normal for me. But for the most part it was really fun. My weekend started out with hanging out with Kat and her friend Syd who, before I talked to her, gave me some pretty uncomfortable vibes. But now that I talk to her she's fairly nice, we have a common interest at least. But I don't think I'd ever hang out with her without Kat, seeing as she's still really quiet. (also the bits and pieces of what I've heard about her and Kat's past further deter me from seeking any sort of friendship.) In any case, the three of us went to glow in the dark put-put golf, which was loads of fun, then we came back to my house and had pizza and played Just Dance 2, which is a pretty fun game, and you don't feel lazy and unaccomplished after you're through playing it. That lasted fairly late, until about 11 which was probably a bad idea on my part because the next day I had a choir retreat at 7:30.

The choir thing was... up and down. Having to be in the same car as Jared was just... not good. Not to mentin the people I feel comfortable being around are also people who will tolerate him, which pisses me off. I asked Jawzii (one of the people I can talk to) why she acts nice to him if she can't stand being around him. She claimed she just couldn't be mean to anyone. Which makes sense because she has the most drama with guys I've ever seen, all because she's "too nice" to not talk to them. Which is why I am proud of my ability to cut people off. In any case, everyone around me tolerates him, which put me in a situation of having to be in the same vicinity as him for most of the day, which made things unpleasant. Though I held to my resolve and didn't look at him, and only spoke one or two words to him the entire day. (which reminds me, I'll have to somehow tell him that he isn't to talk to me under any circumstance.) But aside from that, it was a good day. We did a lot of singing, and almost all my parts are way up in my range, so my voice was pretty tired by the end of the day.

Then Dave's birthday party was already in full swing when I got home. Thankfully my mom let me go have some alone time before jumping back into social-time. I went downstairs and got out my m1dy CD, it's the best for me when I want to wind down. (For those of you who aren't familiar with m1dy, it's the most ridiculous Japanese speed-core I've ever heard. Also the first techno I ever listened to. I would most certainly recommend it.) It's fairly safe to say that most people wouldn't be able to relax listening to this music, I however, fell asleep to it. I only realized it because all of a sudden it was a song much later in the playlist. Since I was no longer feeling the need to hide in the least habitated corner I could find I went upstairs and mingled for a long freaking time. I also took my first shot of tequila out of a mini tea-cup. That's a story to tell one day I suppose. That was about that for the party though X3

The next day Kat came by to drop off my phone, which I had left in her car. Syd was along, and they had just gotten back from church. (I had been invited but I figured that was a bad idea. Also, church is just... really not my thing. No matter how open they are) Kat invited me to go get coffee with them, but we ended up getting smoothies instead. After that we went to Syd's house (very fancy-type place) to watch a documentary "For the Bible Tells me So" on how religious zealots are twisting the bible to discriminate against homosexuality, and what is being done to help fight against this view. Good, but scary. One of the reasons why I'm wary of religion actually the power that it can wield is tremendous and I want no part in that. once the movie was through we had pizza rolls and went to my house to do homework.

And that's about it. Today I was really tired, and I imagine I will be tomorrow as well. Oh school, you so soul-sucking XD




Also, most attractive target worker ever. I saw him. Sweet vinyl records he was glorious.

Getting Better

School is getting better, thank the various gods of little things like kitten sneezes and cracked eggs. I'm not quite so disgusted with the people around me, and I think I'm finally getting a handle on how things work again. English wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, and all my other classes passed rather uneventfully. There was a "class meeting" in the middle of history, where the entire Junior class begrudgingly went to the gymnasium to be lectured my Mr. Bishop (le principle) and ignore him entirely (le all of my friends) Though I will say I payed attention at the end when Alex (yeah, that Alex) got up with student council and then some random other guys and heiled the entire class, multiple times. It was brilliant. Speaking of Alex, I'm noticing that most of the people he hangs out with are guys that I would want to hang out with/date. Which is just....

I couldn't pass that up X3 Anywho, on with my day, art class was especially awesome, because we were given our assignment, which is to draw a portrait, without just drawing a person's face. I got hella excited, because that just sounds like so much fun. I already have three ideas. The first was to do one of my dad. It would be of our old moter home (most of my memories of him happened in there) It would be the side, a close up on the door and then there would be a grey cut-out where I guess I would be standing. Kind of more than just a representation of my dad, and even going into my memories of the simple times, even when he was in Montana, it wasn't so bat-shit dramatic. And then my being almost cut-out is a show of how he decided to not try any more and is therefore loosing me.

The second idea I had was of this old friend I had, Luke, we got together every Tuesday and played with dinosaurs and blocks and things of that nature. Then he moved Bosnia, I never saw him again, even though now he lives only about an hour away from me. I just remember he was kind of a jerk, but mostly really cool, and we had some fun times. His would be a long-neck toy dinosaur in one corner and a to horse in the other with a broken neck, and behind them is a garden box full of carrots. Those are all just snippets of my most vibrant memories of him. (He broke the neck of one of my horses when he was staying at our house while we were on our four month road-trip. Like I said, he could be a jerk.)

Finally would be a portrait of Scout. This one's imagery is kind of weak, but it's the craziest. So it would be of a figure, but instead of having a head, it's a giant eyeball that has Scout's two colored iris. The eyeball has a head-eating bow on, and is wearing Scout's strawberry loli outfit. The background is a moon with several rings around it. I want to try and incorporate some of her old punk/gothy style, but I haven't figured it out quite yet.

I'm still not sure which picture I want to do, they all sound like they could be really cool for different reasons. Also, choir retreat this Saturday, Jared's in choir with me, what fuck do? (aside from my normal violently ignore tactic)

Also also, I tried talking to Nic the other day over facebook. It was just... a bad idea. Things are still really awkward and it was not good at all. Really I wanted to slap myself for even thinking that would be a good idea. I mean, I still can't look Alex in the eye and we've been talking a lot. I shared some of my poetry with the guy for fucks sake. I don't even post poetry here or on my DA. Guh. It's just weird. I really was not a fan of it, but I guess that's how talking with Nic is going to be for a long while. At least it most likely will be. For how I felt talking to Nic, please refer to the above picture.




HAWKWARD.

Lemonade

Coming home, sitting down, turning on Gorillaz (D-sides disc 1 and G-sides) and drinking a glass of lemonade. There really isn't anything I'd rather be doing, or at least rather than anything I have to do, because all of those things have been bothering the hecks out of me. School hasn't really improved but the shock factor has gone down. I think tomorrow's classes are going to be really good... well maybe not English, what with the incompleteness of my summer homework. X3 But everything else should be good. And we're starting stuff in art class, which I cannot wait for. I think I might read some Lovecraft and then work on spanish homework. I'm not planning to do much else, unless a good offer presents itself.

School

Today was probably one of the worst first days I've ever had. Most of the people were asses to me, or behind my back. And I have one class with a friend in it. Something tells me I am really not going to have a good year this year. It's the first time I've noticed how hostile other students are, and I have no one in my classes to give me some support. My teachers seem alright, and I'm excited to learn, but I don't want to do it in such a monument to closed-minded, step-in-line, photocopy student body mentality. I've never had to deal with bullying before, and I don't know what to do other than the stupid strategies they gave in elementary school. Yeah that's right, the last time we ever had some worth-while student body togetherness building was in elementary school. But hey, no one like me back then either.
One thing that struck me as funny, in my worst class, math (what a surprise) in the hall there's one of those generic "Be different and unique!!!" Posters and all I could think was "But not too different! We just simply won't accept that!" I'm just so pissed because I forgot how terrible people are. I shed my skin of expectation that everyone already doesn't like me when I actually needed it. My mistake, I thought people might be a little more understanding now that I've been around for a few years, but I should have just kept up my normal barriers.
This is not helped by my hormones allowing me to feel emotion recently. I cried twice today. First time trying to finish my homework on a glitching computer, and the second just a little while ago just because. It started out because of something stupid, I took too long of a nap. (which for the record, I really dislike naps) And then I just kept remembering things. I remembered my dad and what he did, I remembered Nic, I thought about how unaccepting people are, I saw my face in the mirror and felt so insecure. I just cried. For a good twenty minutes I was on my floor  sobbing. Every time it seemed like I might be able to stop, something in my head would whisper Dad or Nic and I'd just fall to pieces again.

Bring it the fuck on school-year. I've got all my hurt feelings locked in a box waiting to be used for rage fuel. I thought I was overreacting and that people were nicer than I thought. I suppose that will teach me to expect the best from people.

Okay, I've Calmed Down

So I think I can finally write down what's going on without getting all soul search-ey and regretful. So, about a week ago, Nic and I finally got together. It was wonderful, he came walking up and I ran out to hug him and we stood there for a good ten minutes hugging and kissing, so happy just to be together again. We finally went inside, because he didn't want to scare the neighbors. Inside we talked and he gave me a shirt, a copy of hamtaro, and some silly bands. (more about the shirt later) We get down to my room and just cuddle and talk, and one thing leads to another. I still never really touched him though. And then I think we ate and talked more. Then I come to find out that he might be staying in colorado. I am excited, really, really excited. I think something else might have happened, but then we get to going to bed, Nic was super tired. He then tells me that there's a catch to him staying in colorado, he can't have a partner, any kind of partner regardless of gender. Yet I still think it might have had something to do with me being a girl, though I thought his parents were okay with that sort of thing... In any case we just held each other all night waking up every once in a while and talking a bit then sleeping more. He was saying so many things about not wanting to leave me, and how he couldn't imagine people thinking this wasn't real, all I could do was hold onto him tighter, I don't trust my words in situations like that. We finally got up and ate breakfast and just laid and talked more. He asked me "are you going to change your status" all I could say was that I didn't know. When he finally left it was... it was straight out of a movie. We stood on my porch, it was sunny and beautiful outside an hugged more whispering about not wanting to leave. He told me to try not to cry, he must have seen them threatening to spill over. And then... he walked away. And I guess that's the end of that. I don't want it to be, at all. Of course, when he was out of sight I went inside and I cried. It was soft and it went of for a while. But there wasn't any pillow sobbing, just sitting and being shell-shocked and thinking of all the things I wish I could have done. I thought maybe that wasn't the end. But he hasn't reached out to me, and he took himself out of a relationship on facebook, which makes me uncomfortable. That our relationship depends on a scrap of text on the internet. So I guess that is the end of it.

The other day I took out the shirt he gave me, it smelled like him and I almost started crying again. But that was a while back, and I think I'm getting better. I'm keeping busy and keeping my mind off it.

That isn't too hard, a lot has been going on. Today was my last day of work, the rest of the week before school starts will be devoted to summer homework. Also, my babydoll cosplay is coming along well. I just need for my mum to finish sewing things. Also the katana I'm carving is going well, I just painted it, and it looks decent. Uhm. I'm really tired now, so I'm going to bed.

I'm Not Dead

Just dealing with a lot of stuff. And even though there are things I want to write down I can't right now without tearing up. Never fear, everyone is alive, and no one has any terminal illnesses, just another candle seems to be burning down to a stub, and it's making it hard for me to think.


Also, this costume I need together by Saturday is going to more difficult than I thought. A lot of things are resting on this Saturday actually. Me and my silly mind, I've now convinced myself if my costume isn't good, neither will be anything that happens.

Good news, I finally got my window open.