Life is Scary

My senior pictures are being taken tomorrow, I'm really excited about the location and everything like that, but it's really scary to think about them too hard. I'm going to be graduating Highschool this year. When did I come to this age, to this time in my life? It's not that I don't feel more mature, or that I've not grown. I've grown in many subtle ways, slowly I'm gaining confidence in my social aptitude, in my sexuality, in my self. But... I just don't want for my early life to end. I want for the lazy days and the easy, care-free times to run on into infinity, but I know that's not possible for me. I have crippling doubt about my aptitude to pursue the career I want, about my ability, about my choices, about myself. I'm not sure how I'll feel about myself from one day to the next. There are times when I am wholly confident in every thing I do and want to do. Yet, more often than not there are times when I wish that I had some sensible talent that lacked so much uncertainty, and required so much skill. I want to be someone amazing, but I'm just not sure if I can, and what will happen if such is the case. And the approaching threat of looking at future options, graduating, and going to college (hopefully) is only increasing these doubts. I feel I could be smart, and well-spoken, and good at art, if only I would put in the effort. But trying is scary, because if you try, you can fail. If I don't try, I'll still fail, but maybe it won't be quite as loud if I just sit in the dark and ignore it all. 

The Road

In this story, desolation is in the earth in the air, in the writing itself. From the very start the world is dead, it's long abandoned bones left to be picked over and over by the few stragglings of men and women who stagger across it's inhospitable wastes. Even the respite of dreams are a curse, cruel mocking from a world that once was and will never be again. Nightmares instead are what sustains a hell-scape far worse than any imagining. In such a wild land, the virtues of generosity, trust, and respect are the instruments of ones demise. And after a time, not even the good guys can be seen as good anymore. Yet in this landscape exists the whispered scraps of those long abandoned golden ideals, held by two travelers. Though these virtues are a warped fun-house image of what they once were, they can set man apart from monster, however thin the distinguishing line may be. There are a few individuals who carry the fire, the vestiges of what the earth once was, now dressed in plastic tatters and rags.


Well I tried to make that pretty, but I can't think much further than that because I just got done crying harder than I have ever cried for any other book I have ever experienced. It was not just the silent sniffling most readers experience. Just light enough a drizzle to stain the pages, but not too much to blurr out words for too long. I did not register the end of this book. I skimmed the last few lines, already  strangling sobs. With it's end I no longer contained it. I wept loudly, harshly, for a long time. I cried like a bitch and I will not deny it. I fear I won't be able to go back and analyze this book properly because I'll just relapse in the the consuming sadness of the loss of this both heroic and godly yet completely mortal and fault-ridden man. For his son's loss, for the loss of innocence and purity and for the loss of the struggling bond between them. Something so awkward and forced and yet so genuine I have never encountered. The need for eachother, yet the opposition each posed for the other. The overwhelming realness in their sparse relationships of few words and shared strife is what strikes me deepest. That though the earth was barren, they had one another, and though they did not always understand it, they loved eachother in ways that are impossible for me to fully comprehend. I can't even finish this properly because I feel like I'm going to cry again.

Fun

I had a really amazing night. For once my pleas to the internet for someone to hang out with payed off. A girl, Althea, who I know from highschool -though she's since graduated- invited me to the park to play groundies with her friend. At first I was apprehensive because I suck so much ass at groundies. Honestly I was the kid who would fall off the play gym trying to play that game. But, I threw my inhibitions to the wind and went for it. I arrive at the park, and can't see for shit in the dark, but manage to find them easily. A motley crew of everyone who'd graduated before me. I'm sure I was the youngest one there. Luckily I knew half of the kids there, or at least had seen them around. Honestly I wasn't sure what was going to happen, if we really were going to play groundies or if that was code for "Get shitfaced in the park" However, my suspicions were trounced when I found that they were indeed going to play groundies. In the half-gloom of yellow street lamps, it was difficult to make out who was whom, but somehow I managed just fine. Of course I didn't manage to do well at the game at hand. When I was it, it took me ages to find anyone, because of my fear of  falling the fuck off of things. Things progressed to capture the flag, and suddenly Jared (not the one I dated, the /b/tard from history who I thought was Frank) joined in the festivities. I didn't contribute much of course to any sort of anything. Then the lovely idea came about to play strip groundies. I knew I was potentially going to get ass-naked what with my crazy-mad skills at strip-anything. Luckily I was down no more than anyone else, indeed, I was less than some.
During the course of all this merriment I came to know two gentlemen, by the names of Luis and Brady. Luis was a bit nerdy, but well intentioned and pleasant to be around. Brady, more of the popular skater kid type, but funny and really quite nice -not to mention he knows how to woo a lady. I exchanged numbers with the both of them, and have been texting them all night.
After park shenanigans, we all went to Denny's as all good teenagers do at one in the morning. I drove Brady there, he told me I needed more CDs, and would burn me some, already he had my bloomers in a bunch. We talked all through uhm... the meal? mostly him telling potentially offensive jokes, because I was too brain dead to make proper conversation. I offered to give him a ride home, but failed to notice him attempting to get me to hang out longer. Indeed I was worried my mum would be expecting me home, and my phone had died. Of course, in text his intent became incredibly obvious.
And the best thing is, they (althea and co.) want me to hang out with them again some time. And Brady wants to hang out soon (oh me oh my~) And basically I had the most amazing night~