ADSF!!!

Guess who has a boyfriend guess who has a boyfriend!!! Yuss. Me. More specifically me and Nick. :3 hurrrr Though there is a tragic twist, he's going to possibly be away all summer, in Texas (where he's from) which will be two month where we don't see each other. Which will displease my lady-bits greatly, but I think I'll stick with it and see what happens, and if I can deal with not seeing someone I like. .3. Hopefully my internship and friends will keep my mind off of it... But regardless I'm happy, because Nick is a super nice and fantastic person.

Oh also, little noticing. The last two relationships I've had have both started around the summertimes. I wonder why? Hmmmm. I blame aliens that steal my shexeyness for most of the year but they cannot last in an environment with great deals of greenery. Yeah. Totally.

But Screw my Courage to the Sticking Place

If only it were that easy.

I went to a choral concert with Nick just a little while ago. (the concert was quite good) For the first two songs, we help hands, but then, once the choirs changed, he stopped trying to hold mine. And throughout the rest of the show I kept on thinkinging to mayself "Go on, grab his hand, just do it. Come on, on the count of three! Oh just do it already, he probably wants to see if you'll make any moves on him, if you like him enough top initiate something yourself. Come on!!" But by the time the final song was sung all I had accomplished was some scathing internal dialog, and a severe stiffness in my left shoulder. I also think I might have discouraged Nick a bit, which is the last thing I want. Because, I think I like him a good deal more than I thought I was going to, and I would hate for him to get the wrong messages. 

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I desperately need for my courage to not flee at the very whisper of failure. Because in trying to not fail, to not mess up, I end up failing more than if I had attempted something in the first place. I know this, I can acknowledge this. It just seems my mind is set on ignoring itself.

Other than that, I had a lovely day off, I hung out at Scout's all day (Happy birthday Scout!) and watched her play oblivion, and shaded her picture, which is far more difficult than I first planned it to be.

Zombie Jesus Day

Uhm, have a happy one. I suppose. The most festive thing I did last night was color some eggs with scout. I made one that looks like Vattu. Though now that I look at a picture of her, I realize her mark is a bit off, but in my defense, crayons and vinegar dye are not my preferred mediums. But eggs aren't the only things that got colored last night! The whole reason I was at Scout's was for her to dye my hair. It looks so incredibly awesome I can barely stand it. My top layer is this deep purple and my bottom layer is turquoise and blue. To quote Scout I "look like a fucking mermaid!" My only hope is that my hair doesn't clash with my predominantly red/black wardrobe in a bad way. Good clashing, however, is absolutely fine. I'll try to get some good pictures to edit into this post later. 

On a less gleeful note I think I might have been a bit pester-ey with my texts to Nick yesterday .3. I really hope he just has something with his coven or something like that and I didn't actually offend/bother him.

So, Remember What I Said About Goggles/Nick?

The thing about it probably not becoming anything? Yeah well about that... I take it back. I take it back hard. (haha innuendo) 

On Tuesday I went with Nick to Denny's and it was really fun, he was super nice and we got along really well. I texted him everyday after that and then today he asks me over to watch movies. (I got my platform boots and collar a few days ago, but didn't open them until now, so I wore them both tonight.) And so I got there and Nick got to meet Dave and we started watching Princess Mononoke, because there was kind of a side story going on that related to it in Gunnerkrigg Court. So we get about halfway through and I can't remember how or why, but for some reason we end up in Nick's room and he tells me that he likes me, and I'm really shy and blush But I suppose my body language said I like him back and them we kissed. And from there it just got better and it was so perfect and it felt so right and he got what I was asking when I said I was really uke and it was just really, really nice. And I'm happy and at peace and I finally don't feel like I have something to regret. And after a while we did get back to finishing the movie, which was craaaazyyyyy awesome. 

Yup.

Well. That was Better I suppose.

And so another mostly uneventful weekend comes to pass. The only good day was Friday, when I got to meet Goggles and his friends. (and see Haley of course) General break down of the people I met (warning, here be stereotypes, flash judgments and other things you're told not to do but do anyway)

Forest: A rather big fellow who probably doesn't talk to girls who like video games... ever. Huge gamer obv. He gave of a kind of sweet yet unsettling air.

Other girl (forgot her name): definitely the most peppy of the lot. I could see her wearing on my nerves after a long period of time, but well-meaning and intelligent.

Creeper guy: Yeah. Pretty much a guy weaboo... a weaboy (oh so clever!) Extremely awkward around me, he would stop flicking at my ponytail... reminded me of Jared. yeah.

Haley: Was as bubbly and adorable as ever :3

Goggles/nick: Moment of truth and stuff! Nick was nice. We didn't talk much until the end but he wasn't shy and ran right up and gave me a hug. While he knows an arse-load about anime, he isn't all "OMG MY BISHI DESU KAWAII-CHAAAAAAAAAN" I felt a bit intimidated by his knowledge .3. He's obviously smart and pretty fun to be around. Also, I don't know if I mentioned this, but he's transgender. Hurr hurr, following in my... siblings footsteps. So yeah, he's nice and stuff. And only crazy in the good way. X3

But that was pretty much the highlight of my weekend. Saturday wasn't crazy exciting, though I did get a nifty new shirt. And today has been particularly dull. Mostly I just sat around and got heart-burn. The most exciting thing that happened was the realization that I might be lactose intolerant. I can't really drink milk without feeling ill, but for some reason ice cream and cheese doesn't do anything. .3. huh.

Yeah. That's what's been going on. Oh, I got an H.P. Lovecraft poetry book. hooray.

Strings?

Sometimes I feel like I can't connect with people. It's like there are strings of interests or things like that that you have, and people with similar strings can connect. They have pretty obvious strings, and they stick to a few that are closest to their self-image. So you know, the skater kids look for other skater kids, the jocks look for other jocks, fans of this music look for other fans, etc. But I feel like I have to many strings, and they're all stretched too thin to every see, unless you look closely, or know that they're there. I can only focus on a few strings at a time, make them more obvious. Every time I do, it seems like I'm showing the wrong strings because I'm not obviously what the people around me would look for in a friend or person to make contact with. I'm trying to hit a mark that I can't every seem to hit because there are to many to aim for. There are too many things that I feel make me up that I can't ever seem to focus on the few that would really represent me. 

I realize this is all based on self-image and fitting in, and that's all very shallow and insecure, but I am insecure, but instead of fitting in with the majority I want to fit in with a minority. Other people's acceptance does mean a lot to me. I still do things for myself (or else I wouldn't have this problem) but I still want to fit into a place, have the security of a label to hide behind. I know I have fantastic friends and I wouldn't trade them for the world, they probably know more about me that I do, and I care about all of them so much. But there's still a part of me that wants pretty much a clone of myself for a friend. But there would be so many problems with that because some of the best qualities in friends are the the ones that you lack. Ugh. I don't really know. This poor mood just set in again and I needed to talk.

Screw you angst

I am feeling pretty bad right now, when I should be feeling good. I got to talk to Goggles (someone Haley introduced me to) and he's nice and stuff. And I finally got to relax today instead of worry about homework, and I got to see Ariana after school and I actually felt good about my classes for once. But no, for some stupid freaking reason I feel like I want to cry. I feel sad and alone and nothing I've tried has made it better. I went to the park and that was nice for a while, but then some stupid-arse teenagers pull up being loud and obnoxious so I can't finish my graffiti and have to leave the park in fear of having to confront them. I was happy for a little while, but then it hit me again all of a sudden and I think I'm even more sad. Not to mention horny. Depressed and horny is the worst combination of feelings there is. I can't get a boyfriend, and I don't honsetly think thigns will pan out with Goggles because he might be a weaboo and he's in an open relationship not to mention he's trans-gender so I just don't even and I still can't stop thinking about Alex and all the regrets and all the things I should have said and done. Every fucking day he's in my head at some point or another and it just makes me so upset with myself. In my head all I want to do is get laid or something but I know that that won't work either because I'm too shy  and too afraid to actually go through with anything and it's so stupid. Pretty much I just want to break the hell out of something then try and cry, which I am having trouble with accomplishing even though I've tried to cry at least four times.

I have never had so much frustration in so many parts of my life as I do now.

Have fun reading all my typos.

Spring Break and Stuff

Ohhey. Long time no update blog :3 

Well I got back from a pretty cool spring break last week. I flew down to my dad's and then we went on a road trip from there down the Florida coast. It was fun even though I got sun burnt pretty early on (to be expected what with my gothic palor) and then bit by sand fleas. So right now I'm pretty much itching all over. But it wasn't so bad on the trip. I think the my favorite part of the whole thing was getting to go to the Salvador Dali museum. Sadly it wasn't his actual museum that he made, but it did have a ton of his art and stuff there as well as the architecture was totally crazy. In the middle of the lobby is this unsupported spiral staircase that's just crazy cool looking cause after the stairs end the spiral keeps going. This is the website. Pretty awesome, ja? My only regret was that they didn't have my favorite painting of his there, Autumn Cannibalism. But still, seeing as Dali is one of my favorite artists it was pretty amazing to see some of his work on person.

Also my dad is christian now. That was a bit awkward, I could tell he didn't like that I'm more or less an atheist. But I guess I'm still the best out of the lot of kids despite that. My stepbrother jhon got caught by the police smoking pot in broad daylight and went to juvie for a week... for the second time. And then Cole is angsty and lazy. And I'm lazy but I'm not angsty so uhm... yay imma favorite? That does mean however I might be able to get my dad to fund for clothes or stuff a little bit. Hooray.

Also I've been writing some poetry lately, but I don't think I'm going to post it just right now. If ever. .3.

Also actually doing homework is really boring. I remember why I stopped doing it in the first place.