Happy Face

Ever since school let out I've so happy so much. Sure there are a few down moments, some people are dicks, but you get over that. Christmas was lovely, every one got stuff they wanted, including me~ (loli and a gorgeous new record player. Also hufflepuff scarf.) I was sick, but it was nothing more than a little sore throat and a stamina drain. Brent came over for christmas, later in the day, but we were still opening presents >3< I broke and got him Rainbow Dash. He got me a regular show shirt and this beautiful necklace and earrings. "We" are doing fantastic, I love being around him, and we're starting to fine tune to each other a little bit. Just a little bit of course, we've almost been going out for two months, almost. But hey, took about as long for my mum and Dave to move in with each other.
In any case, today Scout and I went to the mall dressed in our new loli. I put together a blue coord, with my new skirt, socks and shoes. While we were out I got a trio of little blue and white roses for my hair, they look much cuter than the plain white bow I had. Scout had on her new beige skirt with rows of pink roses (both of our skirts are from bodyline) and then this scrumptious retro cardigan with an enormous faux fur collar, all in this nice caramel-tan. Of course she looked sickening~
We were there mostly to spend her gift card to Saphora, while we were wandering around trying to find things on her list, I saw the Toki Doki shelf and internally flipped, just like I did the last time I saw it, despite nothing changing. Scout rightly convinced me to buy some perfume. It's a light almost fruity scent, but fresh, Scout says she smells cucumbers in it, I just smell it and think, "pretty cactus~" From there, anyone who knows what perfume I'm talking about/their toki doki really well, will guess I got the scent themed after Sandy. So cute~ Any way, we got a ton of compliments, and I guess some rude stares and such that I didn't notice because I have glorious blinders of win.
After we had our fill of walking around with a bunch of other filthy humans, we retreated back to Scouts and talked about rping and loli and people and middle school. Once her mum finally told Scout to take me home already we sat in the car and talked about bumping uglies and related subjects until midnight, which was... on the whole quite illuminating, and relieving on many levels. To anyone feeling uncomfortable about your body or mind, just talking with people about it is the best thing, because more often than not, someone will have the same "problem" as I do.
In any case, the internets should also know that I am now the proud owner of a pair of bangs~ They look pretty cute, despite them being completely infuriating to take care of. Also, they got cut really wonky... but still not wonky enough that they look bad, hooray!
Now, it's 1:30 in the morning, and I am rather, rather tired, and the wind has died down just a pinch. That makes this an opportune moment to go the blubbins to sleep. Good night internets, I'll write sooner next time.

Future

Yeah. Another future post, just because it's been on my mind.
For once I'm actually feeling things about my future, it's surreal almost. There's so much I want to do, so many things I want to experience. It all starts now, I need to learn what I can before it gets even more difficult to. I need to learn how to sew, make patterns, weld, use power tools, sculpt, wrap stones, weave hemp, play an instrument. Maybe the lute? Something I can play with my hands so I can sing with it. I need to learn Korean and maybe japanese, perfect basic spanish, pick up some italian. I need to learn how to ride a subway and read a bus schedule. I especially need to learn how to be outgoing, to talk to people and make connections. It's going to be fantastic, even if I never make it off of the Americas, I'm going to do something with myself, more than the empty plotted course of college, a job, a house, a family, a deep grave. It may be difficult, but I can do it. I know I can. I'm going to take on sewing first, so, textile arts, prepare your anus, for here I come.

Raw.

My Dad emailed me. Because I'm on his healthcare my mum tells him what's up with me. He wanted to know if I was okay, he wanted me to talk to him. I fucking snapped.
I wrote a poem which stoked the flames as poetic words and thinking so often do, and so, I headed off a letter and I started to write. I wrote to my dad about everything. All the bullshit he's done and all the pain he made me feel. I ripped open every single one of my wounds and now I just hurt. In a five page letter I cried for the last three, once my rage finally sputtered out and I was left with only the stupid, stupid sadness of it all. The glorious pointlessness of this bull-shit back and forth. Him and my mom, struggling for money, for power over the other. Me staying distant because I can, because that's what he said, because that's what's easiest. And him, realizing the length of time interpreted by "maybe when you're older" and grasping at time he's already thrown in the gutter. I am raw, I am numb. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
My mom wants me to go to therapy.




Fuck therapy.

Sick, So Very Sick

That's what I've been up to for the past five days. It started out feeling like just a normal cold coming on but then suddenly I was drop-kicked in the throat with pain and agony! I refused to let people explain to me in detail, but apparently my throat was enormously swollen, bright as can be red and covered in blisters-o-fun. My guess is it looked like my throat was turned into a strawberry. Mmmm strawberries.
In any case, all of Thursday I was shut in a steamy bathroom trying not to sob too hard. Then on Friday I went to the doctor who gave me some pills I couldn't swallow, more steamy bathrooms and sobbing. Even our good friend Codine didn't put a damper on anything. Finally, after I threw up for the first time in ages (stomach acid + ravaged throat = horrible stinging pain, just so you know) my mum decided to take to me to the ER.
All the way there I was terrified I was going to vomit again, and for some reason we hadn't brought any sort of receptacle. But, we finally got there, my mum answered all the... preliminary(?) questions for me while I assumed fetal position in a chair somewhere. Finally we moved to a room which I christened by finally vomiting again the second we reached it. Luckily, we had a nifty little receptacle for just such an occasion on hand. After that they got an IV in me, mother of god THAT was fun, the thing hurt the whole time. They started pumping fluids into me, as well as a lovely dose of some pain-killer or another which worked beautifully for a while. The doctor was quite nice, as were all the nurses. As I tried not to drool on myself too much, my mum sorted things out and got me some top-notch liquid painkillers and the like. I think I spent saturday drugged out of my mind and having strange  hallucinogenic dreams about really important eggs...
On Sunday I was feeling much better, didn't even need any painkillers, yet I was drinking tea like a normal person... well close enough. I also talked with Brent on Facebook, who's apparently been worried out of his mind about me. He also had a hallucinogenic stress-dream about me... but I think that was probably due, at least in part, to certain drugs he totally didn't take that weekend. .___. *cough* In any case it made me really happy to hear about him being concerned. I can't stop listening to the songs he showed me the other day, and I get all sentimental and stuff~ Hee.
And that brings us to today, with a saliva-covered, voiceless, very hungry and thirsty, me. But, despite all this, I'm really feeling quite a lot better. My mum think I might even be able to go to school tomorrow. Which I don't know about, simply because I don't know if I'll have the strength, what with my still completely liquid diet. (oh god what I would give right now to be able to chug a pitcher of ice cold water and then down an enormous bowl of steaming noodles HHHNNNNNNNG)
*later that day because I'm a loser and it takes me half a day to write a blog post*
I'm eating soup, with nooodles in it. Yaaaaaaaaay~ Also Kelsey and Brent stopped by before I had to go to a follow up doctor's appointment. It was super to see them both~ Brent gave me a song/poem he'd written, and it is really quite good. But he then informed me he was fasting because I couldn't eat. So I slapped him. Because it's that kind of hippie-dippie-romance bullshit that he does that pisses me off. If anything he should be out there eating those aforementioned giant bowls of noodles and trying to telepathically communicate to me their awesome deliciousness. Ugh. I've lost five pounds already from this stupid fluids diet and I don't really have much weight to lose. Him telling about missing me and thinking about me, that's nice, that's romantic, that makes me happy. Him denying himself food just because it hurts for me to swallow is pants on head status. I'm also fairly certain that goes against most of my personal ideologies, which uphold doing what you want to do because fuck letting others control your life. I just need to feel like he can live without me, because as of now I'm really not getting that. I'm not saying I'm unfaithful, or that I'm planning on dumping him, I just don't like the idea of being an essential part of someone's life. It's too much pressure for me to handle, because I doubt any one person will ever become the center of my existence, at least not at this point in my life.
In any case, I'm going to go try to get some more food down, take a shower and practice these new cartoon characters I've been drawing.