My Face

Recently, I haven't been wanting to look at pictures of myself. It seems that every single one that gets taken I look so unattractive and... frankly unintelligent. My eyes will be asymmetrical, one will be open more than the other. And of course my mouth is hanging open and my tongue is sticking out. My face will turn out looking fat and splotchy. Instead of looking happy or calm I look like I'm in pain or a vegetable. Even when I try to draw my self this holds true. But that's not how I see myself in the mirror most of the time. But even then I'll still look ugly every other time. Maybe not ugly, but not attractive by any means. It makes me wonder if that's what other people see all the time. If instead of this fairly attractive person I imagine myself to be, I'm really some chubby, lop-eyed, dolt to everyone around me. Sure my body is nice, yeah I have curves and all that. But if my face doesn't match it, it's not doing me much good. And of course the people around you are going to tell you that you're pretty, because they care about you they'll either ignore your flaws or not notice them. I try to keep things realistic when I compliment people, so that they hopefully know that what I'm saying is my real opinion, not some glossed over white-lie to keep them smiling. It probably makes me seem like a dick when I give out compliments because they aren't glowing testimonies to some one's glory (unless that's what they deserve) they're rational. Or at least I'd like to think they are.  Fuck I don't know. I'm not feeling very pretty right now. And I can't draw myself or nick, or anyone I know. I always fuck them up and make them look terrible. I'll just stick to drawing what's in my head: Fat, ugly, wrinkly people and creatures.

Have you ever been a combination of bored, lonely, and sad really late at night? You realize that you're bored because you can't find anything to do. You find yourself lonely because no one is around to help you stop being bored. Both of these things end up making you very sad. Sleep is an option, in fact, it would probably be best to just sleep the feelings off, it would be healthier too. But, you keep tinkering with the unexciting thing you've been doing all night. There is nothing entertaining about what you are doing, yet you still keep hoping. Your hope is that if you continue on long enough, if you stay up late enough, something will happen to break your bored mood,  erase your lonely feelings, and displace your sadness. It's not really likely to happen, but something compels you to just stay up a little later. Something in your mind refuses to let you turn in, pack up your things for the night, and try again tomorrow. There is a mad, delusional hope which drives you to wait and see, to beat the odds. But it ends up getting more and more late. Nothing ever happens, of course nothing happens. Soon you notice a sign, showing you just how long you've stayed up. Perhaps the dishwasher, timed to go off in the wee hours of the morning, begins to churn. Maybe birds begin to chatter outside your window. The night sky, you might notice is no longer cloaked in deep, deep black, but has changed it's garb to a gentle blue-grey. It's the subtle things, the ticking of a clock, the whisper of utter silence, encroaching shadows in the corners of your eyes. Something makes you realize that your hope was false all along. That indeed, you stayed up and strove to wait for nothing, because nothing was ever going to come. As this feeling overcomes you, your bored thoughts melt into bleak uninterest, your loneliness turns to bitter remorse, and your sadness becomes something closer to the feeling of being tired. So you finally give in. You hold up your hands in defeat and pull up the covers and find sleep a merciful, empty, solace.

I Sold my Soul to the Man

Yup. I now have a 9 to 5 office job. Well, it's 8 to five... and it's an internship not a job (still get paid) But regardless, my soul is sold. Oh the life of an office bitch (QC reference) It's tiring as hecks and equally boring, if not more. This is probably because I get stuck with the tasks no one else wants to do. I feel my heart slowly shriveling up and dieing. It's tragic really. But it can't be helped, I'm getting paid, which means I can buy pretty shinies a.k.a. clothes and accessories. First though, I have to figure out how to open a bank account and cash my checks. Hm.
In non-office-type news I've been making slow progress on my summer school work, mostly because for some reason my mother refuses to buy me books that aren't used off of amazon. But I feel like I've talked far to much about my mother to the people I know and don't wish to sound like a broken record, so we'll only breifly touch on that later. Also, I have to read news papers, which is different and new for me, because most of the reading I do nowadays is in webcomic/book form. Not newspaper. But I can't say I dislike it, in fact it's rather interesting.
Enough on that though, my time is short (I'm on my lunch break currently) I went to Laramie for the fourth of July, as per tradition, but this time I finally brought someone along! Scout accompanied me on this trek and we had a fantastic time. We dressed in loli to go to the park festival that's help often, and got many strange stares. But we also met some people who knew what we were doing, one of them had a snake. YES. it was glorious. Also, my hair is teal and orange, but hopefully I will be getting it more towards red soon. Also, I ordered a skirt online for a juro/shiro loli outfit with Scout. It doubles as a steampunk outfit too. On a related note, tonight is, FINALLY, the first Quince & Co. meet up. Hopefully it doesn't get rained out too terribly, thought that's been the trend the past few days. I think I might come back and elaborate on everything later, but right now I have to get back to work. (don't worry I have a full hour break, I just started this late in the hour, as in ten minutes before it was over.) BACK TO FOLDING!!!