Hiding from myself
From everyone else
Somewhere deep inside
My chest my breath
I won't let my self out
I couldn't I can't
It's far too scary outside

Men taking my thoughts
Melting them to molasses
Typing my only defense
Broken
Visions of the end
Plague me in the middle
Of something I can't
Quite comprehend

Searching for sounds
To ease the cry in my mind
Looking to a future
For which I don't care
While the one that I do
Is left tired and tailing
Undernourished for fear
It will grow out of my hold

Silence is my control
My cage and my captor
Welcomed to hold venom
Words threaten spilling
Over the barriers
And through eyes
Into hearts of those
Standing too close

For this I am sorry
But I cannot control
What I have well in hand
I can feel myself sinking
But I long to ignore
My heart faintly beating
I'm not sure it's still there
In nights before sleep
I search for the feeling
And find I am hollow
Unwilling to be filled

Her

Why does she have to be so goddamned pretty?
Why does she have to break my heart?
Why do I just sit back and watch it crumble,
uncaring if my happiness dies?

Something Odd

I've never put much thought to it really. It's just been some simple part of me that just... was. But now I'm realizing that my pansexuality might indeed have some effects on other people. In fact, I know that it does, namely on Brent. Today, while we were talking on the phone he brought up Kendra, and what had gone on between us. I like to tell myself now that the only reason I fancied her was because she was the only other person I knew at the time who could potentially have a same-sex relationship with me, so I got excited. Nothing much happened anyway, thankfully, so I have little to regret. But for some reason, this makes Brent so very uncomfortable. He's not really homophobic, he has no qualms with LGBT-types doing what they do. But for some reason, my sexuality has his jimmies quite rustled. I never imagined that it would be such a problem to like girls and the general "not a genetic male" population. It's kind of alarming and just a little bit offending. I'm not quite sure what to make of it, honestly. He wants to talk on it more, but I don't think we'll have enough time just at school, and he's more or less grounded for the next week. I'd really like him to understand my feelings on this, and I'd like for him to be okay with it, or else I'm not sure what's going to happen.
I admit I've been looking at girls with a bit more longing than normal lately, I wonder if he's noticed, and feels threatened. Or even if he's not noticed, and the addition of a new past flame has his insecurities on the rise (again.)
It's just so very strange. I'm not sure what to think.

Fuck

I am so lonely anymore. I have all of two friends, and one of them is my boyfriend. The other is too deep into sorting herself out to be able to open up anywhere outside of school. Which I don't have anything against, she needs to make sure she's okay... I just miss her, and I'm worried about her, and I want to help. I'm so stressed and panicked and lonely I can barely keep myself together. It's like every single emotion I've ever stuffed down is ripping out of me in a shrieking whirlwind of pain and sadness and anxiety. On top of this I still have to try to keep up with my normal life duties. Studying for the ACT, keeping my grades up, finishing GSA projects, finding a summer job, looking at colleges and my future. It all leaves me feeling worthless because I can't. I just seem to be unable to do anything. Every other job I apply for requires you to be 18, and the rest aren't even hiring right now. Not to mention I've spent all the money I made working for Dave last year and had to pull from my savings to buy gas, which my mom won't buy. At least not at this point.
Speaking of my mom, on easter she gave me a lovely little easter basket and a guilt trip, which incited me to walk barefoot until my feet hurt so bad I could barely make it home. So I guess we can add self-harm (however weak and lame it may be) to my list of shit I need to work through with my therapist. Now that I think about it, I wasn't half so fucked up before I started seeing her, just saying.
I just got through sobbing for a good 25 minutes after I realized how lonely and useless I felt, and another application required me to be 18. I just couldn't feel good about myself. I'd stop for brief periods of time to wipe my face and spit out the thick saliva that always tries to choke me to death when I cry, and ten seconds later something would set me to tears again. I'm glad no one was in the house, because I was being so loud. Just thinking about all the things I've not done, need to do, and won't likely get the chance to make up for is enough to make my heart and my throat clench up, and my eyes start to water. The ridiculous amount of wasted time that lurks behind me, pointing to all the things I could have done, the people I could have been with, is often times more than I can bare.
I don't know why I've suddenly been feeling sad about things that have been happening my entire life, but it still remains that I am. Sad and lonely and useless.