check-in

I'm really not sure what I want to write, but I got the urge to really bad. Probably this folk music. I wanted to write something for Dylan. But I don't know what really to write, it's a bit intimidating when he's a writer himself .3. I just want to to create I guess. Maybe I'll take my sketchbook into the hall so I don't bother my roommate and draw a bit. Just gotta do something. School's going well, it's almost over actually. My first semester, dang. It went by pretty fast it seems. Or at least in hind-sight. I hope I can make a lot of friends next semester, so I won't be quite as lonely as I was. That or I need to put myself into my work way more than I have been. I've been slacking a bit these past few weeks, which is no good at all, I need to work harder for sure. But things are going infinite times better than they ever went in high school, and that's amazing. So yeah. Pretty much all good things to report on this end :3

ohhey

long time no talk about my ugly feels. But alas I'm in class and I have no paper but I do have my laptop so I'm just gonna stop paying attention and try my best not to cry or something. My homework turned out shit. I don't even have my homework for my next class. I don't want to go to it honestly. I don't know if I could even last the class. God there's still almost two hours left in this one, maybe I can feign illness and just go back to my dorm and curl up into a ball and just hope that wednesday comes faster. God this self doubt is crippling. I just want to be home and I just want to stay there. I guess if I fail here I'll get to go home. Do something sensible with my life. But that sounds awful too. I just want people to care about and to care about me. I mean I have a few friends out here, but they're new yanno? It's not the same as old friendship. You don't need a backstory cause they already know it, or were a part of it.

Fuck depression. Fuck being sad all the time. I don't get any say, I don't get a reason for why I'm so fucking sad, it just is. It just happens and I have to deal with it, and try to keep my life from completely falling to shit. Maybe I really should go back home and just do community college shit. It'd save money too. Cripes knows that's at the base of half of my fucking problems, money.

well this isn't helping at all. I think it's making things worse. and it only killed like 20 minutes. ANyway hi blog.
I'll be alright. I just have to keep pushing on.

For the Love of Fuck

I believe I've written about how my dad and I are trying to patch things up. In any case, his last email to me asked why I didn't just get over what had happened, and why it took me two years to reach out to him. It was just so incredibly astounding to me that he didn't seem to realize the gravity of what he'd done. So I told him. I stopped with all the passive bull-shit and I flat out told him why it was so hard for me to get back to him, because he'd really hurt me. I was just trying to let him get some perspective on the "why" of things, and see what I was thinking all that time. But he's responded and it's just... so incredibly frustrating. He's just so defensive and passive and he belittles himself in every other sentence. I wanted to give him perspective, but it seemed to just go right over his head.
He thought that because we weren't really talking too much anyway he should just "formalize it" like what the actual fuck??? That's not something you formalize for fucks sake.
And then he goes and asks me to become an adult!?? Like did you just fucking miss the entire point of that last email? Have you totally missed the ones previous to that telling you how much more confident I am? What the fuck does that even mean? "become an adult" What do I make myself a cocoon and emerge a month later with big-ass wings and the ability to read his mind? Then he tells me that pain is an illusion. What the shit. What the actual fuck does that mean in this context. That all the bullshit you put me through wasn't real? Wrong it was real and I'm not going to dismiss it. It happened and now I'm past it. But I'm starting to realize that he's just kind of a shitty communicator. Like, a really shitty communicator. I want this to work out, but he and I just don't know how to talk anymore. Not that we ever really did. But ugh. he's just so incredibly dense. I guess I'll go try to fix this fucking train wreck.

WOW IT HAS BEEN A WHILE

HI HELLO BLOG. How are you? Cause I'm fucking rad :3
Like, I've taken to this whole college junk like, mega super well. I live in the dormitories and Jude lives in temporary housing a few blocks down. We hang out when she has days off or if I need to do important things around the city. She's still kindof a butt sometimes, but for the most part she's super nice and I'm so glad to have her around. She might move back to colorado though. Apparently she only moved out here because she wanted to be there for me ;3; Which is so nice of her, but I feel awful for putting her in such a situation. We were gonna get an apartment together but that didn't work out. We still might next semester if she decides to stay :3
So I'm in an all girls dorm, which is not the super best, but it's still pretty cool. I'm in what should be a four person room with another girl, named Fraccessca. However the other two people never showed up~! So it's just the two of us in this huge-ass room and it's so great because we're both introverts and such, and we have a lot of space so it's not too bad being around someone a lot of the time. We get along pretty well too. She listens to cool music and is in to a bit of fandom junk and all that jazz.
I've made a few friends too~ They're interesting and fun. I dunno I still feel like I've not met someone who I can really get to know and all that. I miss Scout so much man. I just miss how close we are. I'm not close with anyone here. And like, new friends are great and all that, but it's a different dynamic than the one you get with old friends u3u
In any case my fingers are getting tired, I got a new compy and I'm not used to the keyboard o3o so much bigger than my old one.

It's Coming Closer

I can't stop it
it's coming closer and closer and closer
The days are no longer immeasurable because of their length, Rather they are immeasurable because they are so impossibly few. Too few to properly comprehend. I try to calculate the time in my mind, how many days, how much time, how many people and places I can see one last time. It's not even one last time. I will be back. It's a mere matter of months between now and Christmas break. Its a blink of an eye before summer rolls around again. I will be back. I have to be.  The seeming finality of it all makes me sick, makes it hard to breath. I think of all I have grown here, the old things, the new. I think of his smile his cloying voice and his lips hard against my skin. I think of her and her tears and her scars and her standing right on the brink of something beautiful with hell at her back. I think of the places and the people and the memories that all come piling back when I stare at anything. I try to think of the new places that will hold importance. A street corner, a shop, a lamp post, a classroom. But it's hard. Because they aren't there. Because the future isn't definite, like the past. I can't think fondly of the future, because there is nothing to be fond of. When you live in the same house for 18 years you learn to love it. You learn to find the charm in learning where the squeaky floor boards are. Each scratch in the banister has some familiarity. A town with nothing to do becomes a treasure trove of little things, it is made alive by vivid flash-backs replaying everywhere you look. I am going to miss being in a town that breathes with me every step I take, and I am going to miss the people who have breathed life in to me

Wow

I've not really been thinking all that hard about my move to SF. It'll just come out in bursts when I'm talking to people, I just realize all the things that are going to happen and they just kind of burst out. But then, I feel bad because I realize I'm leaving all these amazing people behind. If I could I would take every single one of them with me to SF. It seems that my life is keeping constant with it's cliches. It seems like I've finally found a way to reach out to people and have really solid relationships, like the people I'm with are even more solid than before and I've met some new people too, but now I'm moving. I'm just starting to find that utopic summer, that ideal group of people and memories, and I'm leaving it all behind. It makes me really not want to go, but I know that my future is out there, and I can't get the same thing here, so I just have to keep telling myself that this is an adventure, that this is going to be difficult, but it's going to be amazing too. That ahead of me isn't oblivion just because it's unlike anything I've ever done before, it's memories waiting to happen. I may not be around the same people anymore, but that doesn't mean they've ceased to exist, or be important. What with the internet, it'll be really easy to stay in touch.

It's a tie between Scout and my cats as to who's going to be the hardest to leave. (This is a compliment Scout, I swear.) Even if scout and I haven't been in as much contact, she's still there. Every time I go by her house I think about her, I smile. Or if I go past the mall, or a bowling alley, or anything and everything that reminds me of her. And then there's being able to out of the blue, hang out and talk and be together, I don't know how I'm going to handle not having that. I know no one is ever going to be able to replace her either, and I wouldn't want anyone to. If there's one person who shaped me in to who I am today, it's her. I say that with complete certainty. She's always been my hero and my idol, to the point of being a wee bit creepy. I know we'll be friends forever, and no dessert or sea of mormons is going to change that, but I still wish she could come along. Partly for selfish reasons, but also because I think she's far too amazing a mind to be held in a tiny little town like Arvada. If she wanted it, she could have the world on their knees for any number of reasons, be that her intelligence, her talent, her beauty, her resilience, her kindness, her boldness, I could go on but I really am trying to be less creepy about how rad I think she is. Basically I'm gonna miss the fuck out of her and if ever she wanted to get out and abroad I'd offer her a room in no time. Jude can sleep on the couch -3- In any case, Scout, you are the absolute most amazing person I've ever met, and my best friend in the entire world and I will never leave you, or not be there for you, or not care the world for you, regardless of how much space is between us.

In other, less interesting news I have three whole boxes packed and I've managed to stop having existential, nihilistic crisis every night when I try to go to sleep. Or at least I've gotten them under control, I can divert my thoughts to some place else pretty well. I'm really not very good at packing, I don't really see what needs to be packed. I need someone to just sit in my room with me and point to objects so I can decide if I want to pack it, sell it, or keep it  around at the house for nostalgic porpoises, but I feel like asking anyone would be too sad and I'd probably end up crying. I really want to drive out to SF too. It just seems right. Hopefully I can get things worked out with scout.
I also really need to plan my going away hoopla's. I'm kind of at a loss as to what to do. Ugh. Thinking about all this too hard makes my head hurt and makes me sad. I just felt like I should write some of this down for posterities sake or what the fuck ever. I'm gonna go take my meds and pass out now I guess.

I Needed That

Today was paradoxically a fantastic monday and a breath of fresh air after a long shitty weekend. Suddenly a whole bunch of people reached out to me, to chit-chat and to proposition hanging out in the future. I had been consumed with questions of my self-worth all weekend because I was getting nothing from trying to talk to people. I guess I do just have to look in different places than what I usually think of, I'm so afraid to go out of the bounds of what was once a very safe few people, that I'm not seeing all the other radical people around me. Also I feel like I got some things done, rather than just sitting on my ass all day, even if it was just sending off my graduation announcements. I need to go to the bank tomorrow, and the grocery store, but I think it was nice to more or less ease in to doing stuff, because I've got quite a lot to do now, in order to get ready for moving.
I was feeling pretty confident so I tried my luck asking Aidan to hang out. She was just hanging around so I went over to her place and just hung out and watched her and Darian play vidya games. Her mum made a tasty motha fukken dinner and I got to watch Darian play through the Deadpool game.
Also the art I did for Folk-Punk was super nifty looking, and she loved it~ That really gave me confidence boost, sent me off with a smile for sure.
Anyway I'm going to either go draw something or look for laptops for college. Just thought I'd put a happy post up here for a change of pace.