So recently I took a rather abstract test that deals with normality or something like that. The results said that I was an incredibly angry person, who reacts poorly to situations. Now, I wrote that off last night, thinking it was only true some of the time. But, then I started to think on it more and more, and as I left school in a fit of completely inexplicable rage I came to the realization that I am a surprisingly angry person, I just rarely loose my temper in public, or express my anger violently (though I wish I could.) But it takes the slightest push to make me lose my temper, or to put me in a fowl mood. Perhaps because I can snap back from anger so quickly I never really think how often I am upset. This normality placed me in the 20% percentile, far on the right of the bell-curve. I feel I should go back and take the test again, and read what it's testing more carefully. Hopefully this doesn't indicate I'm some kind of future homicidal maniac.

It Keeps Coming Back

Clinging the apron strings dangling down my spine

Mewling, muttering, sniffling for attention.

Claws, needles of ice, dig deep

Guiding me to a polished box of pine

Where nothing plays but sad broken records.

There is no struggle, no resistance

But the fear fills me up like a vase left empty

I have nothing to hold onto but myself.

In a pitiful attempt not to explode outwards

Quietly my knees press tighter and tighter

To fuse with my chin, my ribs with my shins

I make myself implode myself to disappear;

No longer human but a shadow behind your couch.

All I can do is silently watch, lips non-existent,

The rest of the world move on with itself,

Entangled in their laughter and smiles, no way to sink.

I am entrenched, no way to run and no will to leave

Huddled down to the size of the infant universe.

Within me is fire that threatens to consume,

But I am left with no spark to ignite myself.

fuck again

My best friend tried to kill herself.
I didn't ever fucking know until her mom texted me today.
She tried to kill herself and I didn't even know.
I just want her to be okay. More than anything in the world I want her to be okay. She doesn't think anyone cares about her, maybe the fact that I loved her made how much I cared not count. Because she thought I was just attracted to her. I don't know. I just want her to be okay.

fuck

Why is everyone on my dad's side of my family so cruelly obsessed with me calling them? Why do they make me feel like shit when I forget to call them, or when I'm too busy?