Tired

I've been tired for two weeks straight now. I can sleep a full 9 hours at night and still wake up tired and sleep trough my sixth period and get home and want to take a nap. If I take a nap (a three hour one, likely) I'll wake up, go up stairs and want to go right back down to sleep some more. I just want to sleep. Right now I just want to sleep and cry, because I know I have so much stuff that I need to do but I just can't do it. Part of it is depression or apathy or whatever, but mostly I think I'm just using all of that as an excuse to not do anything. I can't even begin to make a start on anything I need to do. I just want to sleep in tomorrow. Wake up late, maybe eat an egg for breakfast, then go outside with a blanket and sleep in the sun. Maybe walk to get the mail. Maybe go explore down at the park. Then I could come home and curl up inside my blanket fort and do nothing for a few hours. But I can't. I'm failing four classes, and a lot of that is participation points because I miss so much of my morning classes. If I did stay home I'd need to write papers and do math work and clean up the mess I've made in the kitchen. I'd have laundry to do, and my room to clean, and of course there's that spare room that somehow turned into a disgusting disaster. I feel especially trapped because my car has been smoking sometimes after I drive it, a guy outside of a pizza place said it was just some oil leaking onto the engine or something. Gonna get that checked out. Mom's coming home tomorrow. I'm glad because I won't be alone with my depression, but it also means I'll just be twice as pressured about the things I have to do. Why can't I just do things? My therapist says it's because my mom never made me do things when I was a kid. She didn't make me shower, or clean my room, or any of that. She couldn't handle the conflict, so she just let me do what I wanted. While that has cultivated a wonderful philosophical maturity in me, it has also apparently turned me into an impulsive slob. But that just feels like a cop out. My therapist also says that I should try to be my own parent since I have a strong internal voice, but I just can't do it. I ignore myself. I get angry at myself like I get mad at my mom when she tells me to do something. I just can't handle it. So basically I'm fucked on that front.
I've eaten nothing but candy and half a bowl of ramen today. There's not much else to eat, but I can't go buy groceries since I've misplaced the card my mum gave me for food. Which has been something of a problem. I really need to find that. But even if I did get groceries, I feel like I still wouldn't have eaten much. I sometimes get so indecisive I can't even eat.

Also I'm feeling shitty about drawing again. Just feeling extra fuck-upish lately I guess. I can't even think about writing back to my dad. I need to really bad though. Fuck. fuck fuck fuck. I thought about Nic today and it made me really sad and lonely. I want to love someone. I want someone to love me.