Well I hung out with Eliseo and his friends after school today and found out he has a girl friend. Of course. Because anyone I’m interested in always finds a better girl than me. Someone prettier, or funnier, or more sociable. But if someone does like me they’re either unstable or not at all attractive to me. I guess I’m just under the line of requirement for girls that attractive interesting guys want to date. I’m not worth their time except as a half-acquaintance, if even that. I just want someone to give my affection to for a little while. I don’t think I can wait until I get to San Francisco, I’ll have gotten so lonely and dead inside it’ll be forever until I even want to try to socialize with any one, for any reason. Jude and I will just sit alone in our apartment feeling depressed and watching anime together and smoking weed. Ugh.
Anyway, that was earlier today, and I've had some time to stew in imaginary magyks and supernatural so I feel better. I also ate a third a container of frosting. That probably helped with things. I don't think it'll be the end of the world if I don't date anyone. But my vagina might become sentient and rip itself out of my body to find fresher hunting grounds.
Anyway, that was earlier today, and I've had some time to stew in imaginary magyks and supernatural so I feel better. I also ate a third a container of frosting. That probably helped with things. I don't think it'll be the end of the world if I don't date anyone. But my vagina might become sentient and rip itself out of my body to find fresher hunting grounds.
Though I am pretty good at getting one night stands. I guess that would be a good thing if I didn't also need some romantic affection every now and then. I guess people just don't see me as someone that they would want to get to know on a deep level. Or someone they want to spend time with. I can get that. My exterior is probably the most interesting thing about me. I can see why people wouldn't want to get to know anything deeper than that.
I don't really think I want to go to sadie's anymore. It'll just be me walking around awkwardly in a pulsing and gyrating room full of strangers who don't like me much. I kind of want to ask Arianna, but there are forms and shit we'd have to fill out, and she'd have to see my ugly self-conscious side, that I like to pretend doesn't exist. I really am feeling kind of not the best. I asked if Arianna wanted to come over tonight, but she's at a wedding party.
I kind of miss checking Scout's blog. And Scout, I'm sorry but my therapist said that maybe your blog wasn't the best place to get my information about your life from, because it hurts to see someone I love being so in pain and being unable to do anything about it. I still care, I'm still here. I just won't know every detail. I'd still like to talk about stuff that's going on though, I want to be around for you. So I need to remember to text you more and junk.
Anyway even though I ate a whole bag of popcorn I'm still hungry, so maybe I'll try to find something to eat? I don't really even know what we have in the house, except for foods that are really shitty for you. And all this feeling eating I've been doing lately is showing up a bit on my stomach, and it might be good if I at least ate one healthy thing today. I wish that the room with the treadmill didn't smell like cat piss, or else I'd try running a bit. Whatevers. Maybe I'll try starting Naked Lunch. Or try to draw maybe. I need to draw more, or else I'm gonna be fucked when I get to college.
I don't really think I want to go to sadie's anymore. It'll just be me walking around awkwardly in a pulsing and gyrating room full of strangers who don't like me much. I kind of want to ask Arianna, but there are forms and shit we'd have to fill out, and she'd have to see my ugly self-conscious side, that I like to pretend doesn't exist. I really am feeling kind of not the best. I asked if Arianna wanted to come over tonight, but she's at a wedding party.
I kind of miss checking Scout's blog. And Scout, I'm sorry but my therapist said that maybe your blog wasn't the best place to get my information about your life from, because it hurts to see someone I love being so in pain and being unable to do anything about it. I still care, I'm still here. I just won't know every detail. I'd still like to talk about stuff that's going on though, I want to be around for you. So I need to remember to text you more and junk.
Anyway even though I ate a whole bag of popcorn I'm still hungry, so maybe I'll try to find something to eat? I don't really even know what we have in the house, except for foods that are really shitty for you. And all this feeling eating I've been doing lately is showing up a bit on my stomach, and it might be good if I at least ate one healthy thing today. I wish that the room with the treadmill didn't smell like cat piss, or else I'd try running a bit. Whatevers. Maybe I'll try starting Naked Lunch. Or try to draw maybe. I need to draw more, or else I'm gonna be fucked when I get to college.
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