Sad I Guess

I shouldn't be though. I went out and hung out with people today. I helped Scooter feel better about a lame situation with his girlfriend, and we went and hung out with Eliseo who has a really cool mom, and it was really nice. But now that I've been home for a while, and I've wallowed around on the internet, and remembered some things that are gone, I just can't feel happy. I'm so lonely I can hardly even stand it. I keep telling myself it's just because I don't have a significant other, but that's only a tiny part of it. I go to school and I'm surrounded by strangers and half-friends who I'll never get to know because they don't really want to hang out, or they don't have the energy for it, or whatever reason they have for never getting to know me outside of school. I go home, and I'm in an empty house until six, or maybe the next day if my mom decides to not come home. While I'm home I'm on the internet or watching t.v. trying to glean some sort of half-contact from other living things. But it's never enough. It isn't the same as connecting with someone who's a foot away from you. You can't have the same sort of relationship with a person hundreds of miles away as you can with a person sitting right in front of you. Then, when I go to bed (early by most standards, nine or ten) I think about all the people I want to be with, but never will be. Because I lack the courage, because they aren't for me, because they're gone. And then I go to sleep, and I dream of people and things that I'll likely never have. I love my dreams though, maybe that's why even my nightmares don't scare me anymore. They're more than anything I could ever ask for in real life. In my dreams I can spend time with friends, I can be close to people I can't really be with. In dreams my stepmom can assure me that my Dad's just as scared as I am. That the reason he hasn't wrote back for three and a half weeks is that he's scared and he wants his letter to me to be perfect.

Why the fuck hasn't he written back? I finally do it, I finally reach out after two years. After countless cards from him on my birthday and holidays. He can't be doing this on purpose. Did he never get the letter? Did something happen to him? Did he not like what I wrote him? I'm so alone already, I don't want this to be happening. It would be so wonderful if I could just have this one thing. If I could just have my dad back. Maybe with him and my mom talking to me every once in a while I could feel like I actually have half a parent, hell, maybe even a whole one.

I just want to feel like I'm not the only living person in a ten mile radius. That I have people who care about me. And I know I do, it's just hard to remember that sometimes.