Huge shocker, I'm feeling depressed again. I'm in English class right now, we're supposed to be writing an essay about Kind Lear, but I can't move myself to do something productive. I have this drawing that I want to do for a pin, and I'm really liking it so far, even though it's not very far yet. I just want to go to the bathroom and curl up in the corner and try to hold myself together for a few minutes. I'd go home, but I've missed a lot of school this semester, I just need to keep going. The rest of my classes are easy and such, so I can do it. I have a lot of food at home to eat and maybe there will be something good for lunch. I'm just typing to keep myself calm right now, so sorry if it's stupid rambling.
I'm excited for the birthday loli meet. I think it's this weekend? I've had my outfit planned for a month at least. I've done a lot of stuff lately I guess. But thinking back about all I've done just makes me think about how much time has passed and how my dad hasn't replied and how I don't see Scout any more and I miss her so much and I miss my dad, and I miss the happy feeling that I had for two weeks, but now it's gone and I'm just depressed again. This depression feels more poignant than anything before. I wonder if that's because I know what it is, or is it actually worse?
Are my airways closing because I'm a bit panicked or is it because my nose has been snuffly. Is it just my head band just making my head feel like it's in a vise. I need distraction, but this is quiet work time, and the second any distraction is gone the feeling comes seeping back. But it's so slow. I know it's coming but it just hasn't come yet. I just hurt deep in my chest and in my skull, in the very walls. I need to do this stupid project for english still but it's never going to happen, not with me as a leader. I can't get things done.
I don't want to be happy, it doesn't feel right. It feel unnatural when something distracts me and a smile tries to stretch across my face. I'd rather feel nothing, that's easy to feel, nothing is easy to understand. It's an emotion that I am familiar with. When I feel nothing I open up a hole in my head and let meaningless words drip out of my skull until my whole body feels numb or in gentle pain thanks to my body chemistry or some trick of the brain. I think I need to get up and leave for a second, just to get out of this environment and away from the computer and from this depressing introspection that I'm so good at. But I feel stuck. I feel like I can't move. I can't stop typing. Ugh here goes. Come on. Just get up, just stop.
Oh, people are talking about valentines day. It's lucky for me that I have therapy that day. It's just a day to remind me of how alone I am. I don't place a lot of importance of valentines day, even when I have someone to share it with. But I feel like with the increase of girls walking around with flowers and teddy bears and kissing boyfriends and other such tokens of emotional connection I'm not going to be very chipper. I'll just be reminded of how I don't have those things. As always, I ask why? What's unappealing about me? People say I'm pretty, that I'm intelligent and nice or whatever. Wouldn't that attract some one. Well I suppose I have attracted people, they just all happen to be less than desirable. Yanno, overweight, prematurely balding, creepily eager. Or there's the scrawny, greasy, socially awkward, deeply disturbing type. And those people make me feel so great about myself. That the only people interested in me are bottom of the barrel, as rude as that sounds. People date within their levels most of the time right? There must be something about me that attracts those types of people rather than anyone interesting and minimally adjusted. Class is almost over. Have to go now.
I'm excited for the birthday loli meet. I think it's this weekend? I've had my outfit planned for a month at least. I've done a lot of stuff lately I guess. But thinking back about all I've done just makes me think about how much time has passed and how my dad hasn't replied and how I don't see Scout any more and I miss her so much and I miss my dad, and I miss the happy feeling that I had for two weeks, but now it's gone and I'm just depressed again. This depression feels more poignant than anything before. I wonder if that's because I know what it is, or is it actually worse?
Are my airways closing because I'm a bit panicked or is it because my nose has been snuffly. Is it just my head band just making my head feel like it's in a vise. I need distraction, but this is quiet work time, and the second any distraction is gone the feeling comes seeping back. But it's so slow. I know it's coming but it just hasn't come yet. I just hurt deep in my chest and in my skull, in the very walls. I need to do this stupid project for english still but it's never going to happen, not with me as a leader. I can't get things done.
I don't want to be happy, it doesn't feel right. It feel unnatural when something distracts me and a smile tries to stretch across my face. I'd rather feel nothing, that's easy to feel, nothing is easy to understand. It's an emotion that I am familiar with. When I feel nothing I open up a hole in my head and let meaningless words drip out of my skull until my whole body feels numb or in gentle pain thanks to my body chemistry or some trick of the brain. I think I need to get up and leave for a second, just to get out of this environment and away from the computer and from this depressing introspection that I'm so good at. But I feel stuck. I feel like I can't move. I can't stop typing. Ugh here goes. Come on. Just get up, just stop.
Oh, people are talking about valentines day. It's lucky for me that I have therapy that day. It's just a day to remind me of how alone I am. I don't place a lot of importance of valentines day, even when I have someone to share it with. But I feel like with the increase of girls walking around with flowers and teddy bears and kissing boyfriends and other such tokens of emotional connection I'm not going to be very chipper. I'll just be reminded of how I don't have those things. As always, I ask why? What's unappealing about me? People say I'm pretty, that I'm intelligent and nice or whatever. Wouldn't that attract some one. Well I suppose I have attracted people, they just all happen to be less than desirable. Yanno, overweight, prematurely balding, creepily eager. Or there's the scrawny, greasy, socially awkward, deeply disturbing type. And those people make me feel so great about myself. That the only people interested in me are bottom of the barrel, as rude as that sounds. People date within their levels most of the time right? There must be something about me that attracts those types of people rather than anyone interesting and minimally adjusted. Class is almost over. Have to go now.
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