My mom really upsets and confuses me sometimes. At first she's really excited for me to go to college and is helping me look for places and is being really reassuring. And art college isn't cheap, so I start to feel horrible about how much it's going to cost her and how much of a failure I feel like. But she's there reassuring me that I should follow this dream, and she'll find a way to pay for it and it's absolutely no problem. She eagerly plans a trip to San Francisco so we can check out the college, she's more excited than me about going there for college at first. But then, finally after bringing up my guilt in therapy and reassuring myself that it's okay for me to go to this school, I get just as excited as her. In SF I'm beaming ear to ear about my prospective future. I'm not scared about college for once in my life.
Then of course a day after we get home she's back to her old ways. Back to telling me that if I can't do simple house chores I won't be able to make it in college. That she's paying all this money for me to go to school but I'm just a lazy and ungrateful child. Well thanks for just reopening all those old wounds of fear self-hate and cavernous doubt. I'm sure I'll be able to recover in time to not pull a self-fulfilling prophecy, get to college, break like an eggshell under the pressure and wind up a depressed anti-social retail saleperson like my sister. Thanks for the votes of confidence. Thanks for asking why I didn't do anything today even though I've been full of energy thanks to my anti-depressants lately. Oh, certainly it's not like I spent an entire night worried for my best friend, and I couldn't possibly have had a fairly shitty day at school. It's out of the question that I dropped everything and went straight to my room to drown out my anger and my emptiness with mindless internet time and watching and making porn to feel sexually fulfilled. Gosh. That sure sounds a lot like what Jude did, huh? Gosh maybe your shitty, contradictory parenting style isn't working! Wowee. Never would have guessed. Now just get me the fuck out of here so I can try to undo what I'm sure is an astounding amount of mental damage.
I swear I'll get around to talking about how awesome SF was eventually.
Then of course a day after we get home she's back to her old ways. Back to telling me that if I can't do simple house chores I won't be able to make it in college. That she's paying all this money for me to go to school but I'm just a lazy and ungrateful child. Well thanks for just reopening all those old wounds of fear self-hate and cavernous doubt. I'm sure I'll be able to recover in time to not pull a self-fulfilling prophecy, get to college, break like an eggshell under the pressure and wind up a depressed anti-social retail saleperson like my sister. Thanks for the votes of confidence. Thanks for asking why I didn't do anything today even though I've been full of energy thanks to my anti-depressants lately. Oh, certainly it's not like I spent an entire night worried for my best friend, and I couldn't possibly have had a fairly shitty day at school. It's out of the question that I dropped everything and went straight to my room to drown out my anger and my emptiness with mindless internet time and watching and making porn to feel sexually fulfilled. Gosh. That sure sounds a lot like what Jude did, huh? Gosh maybe your shitty, contradictory parenting style isn't working! Wowee. Never would have guessed. Now just get me the fuck out of here so I can try to undo what I'm sure is an astounding amount of mental damage.
I swear I'll get around to talking about how awesome SF was eventually.
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