I'm a fucking moron. I can't be a good friend to anyone. I don't know how to be cool like Scout. I don't know how to not betray everyone I know and become just another regret in their lives. I can't keep friends forever. The longer they stay the more they realize they hate me, until they never wan to talk to me again. Until they realize what a shit person I am to have around. I just ruined someone's life. She was fine but I panicked. I panicked and I told the truth instead of a tiny lie that wouldn't have hurt anyone. Fuck I'm so stupid. I'm so fucking stupid and I shouldn't even be allowed to have friends. I shouldn't be allowed to leave the house because I just fuck everything up. Everything I do, I fail at. I can't do anything right, not when it comes down to the line I can't even cut properly. I can't punish myself for being so useless. I can't hurt enough. Fuck.
You're not a moron, and you're my only good friend. I'm the least cool person ever, you know that. I was never mad at you. You did what anyone would do, what I would do. You're not stupid. You don't need to punish yourself.
ReplyDeleteAND IF YOU EVER CUT YOURSELF I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD, MAN. I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD I WILL GO THROUGH YOUR HOUSE AND DISPOSE OF EVERY SHARP IMPLEMENT YOU HAVE, EVERY GODDAMN THUMBTACK OR PENCIL. YOU WILL NOT. I LOVE YOU AND YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT CUTTING YOURSELF WILL LEAD TO.
Don't start thinking like I do. Don't. I will tell you this as many times as it takes for you to listen, even if I have to say this every day. You are a good friend. You are the only person who hasn't completely abandoned me. Never hurt yourself. Never turn into me. You are beautiful and kind and sweet and funny and nice, and you are friends with an insane person who doesn't remind you of that often enough. You are good. You are not stupid, and there is nothing in the fucking world you need to punish yourself for, especially a mistake I made which wasn't even connected to you at all.
For the love of God, please. I am begging you. I don't care if I'm misunderstanding your post. Please. Do not ever, ever hurt yourself like I do.
Please. I love you.