I am so lonely anymore. I have all of two friends, and one of them is my boyfriend. The other is too deep into sorting herself out to be able to open up anywhere outside of school. Which I don't have anything against, she needs to make sure she's okay... I just miss her, and I'm worried about her, and I want to help. I'm so stressed and panicked and lonely I can barely keep myself together. It's like every single emotion I've ever stuffed down is ripping out of me in a shrieking whirlwind of pain and sadness and anxiety. On top of this I still have to try to keep up with my normal life duties. Studying for the ACT, keeping my grades up, finishing GSA projects, finding a summer job, looking at colleges and my future. It all leaves me feeling worthless because I can't. I just seem to be unable to do anything. Every other job I apply for requires you to be 18, and the rest aren't even hiring right now. Not to mention I've spent all the money I made working for Dave last year and had to pull from my savings to buy gas, which my mom won't buy. At least not at this point.
Speaking of my mom, on easter she gave me a lovely little easter basket and a guilt trip, which incited me to walk barefoot until my feet hurt so bad I could barely make it home. So I guess we can add self-harm (however weak and lame it may be) to my list of shit I need to work through with my therapist. Now that I think about it, I wasn't half so fucked up before I started seeing her, just saying.
I just got through sobbing for a good 25 minutes after I realized how lonely and useless I felt, and another application required me to be 18. I just couldn't feel good about myself. I'd stop for brief periods of time to wipe my face and spit out the thick saliva that always tries to choke me to death when I cry, and ten seconds later something would set me to tears again. I'm glad no one was in the house, because I was being so loud. Just thinking about all the things I've not done, need to do, and won't likely get the chance to make up for is enough to make my heart and my throat clench up, and my eyes start to water. The ridiculous amount of wasted time that lurks behind me, pointing to all the things I could have done, the people I could have been with, is often times more than I can bare.
I don't know why I've suddenly been feeling sad about things that have been happening my entire life, but it still remains that I am. Sad and lonely and useless.
Speaking of my mom, on easter she gave me a lovely little easter basket and a guilt trip, which incited me to walk barefoot until my feet hurt so bad I could barely make it home. So I guess we can add self-harm (however weak and lame it may be) to my list of shit I need to work through with my therapist. Now that I think about it, I wasn't half so fucked up before I started seeing her, just saying.
I just got through sobbing for a good 25 minutes after I realized how lonely and useless I felt, and another application required me to be 18. I just couldn't feel good about myself. I'd stop for brief periods of time to wipe my face and spit out the thick saliva that always tries to choke me to death when I cry, and ten seconds later something would set me to tears again. I'm glad no one was in the house, because I was being so loud. Just thinking about all the things I've not done, need to do, and won't likely get the chance to make up for is enough to make my heart and my throat clench up, and my eyes start to water. The ridiculous amount of wasted time that lurks behind me, pointing to all the things I could have done, the people I could have been with, is often times more than I can bare.
I don't know why I've suddenly been feeling sad about things that have been happening my entire life, but it still remains that I am. Sad and lonely and useless.
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