I'm not the type of individual who can thrive under stress. I'm really not even the type of individual who can cope with stress. In fact, I'm the girl who crumples under a teaspoon of the stuff. Right now? I think I'm dealing with more than a teaspoon.
As of right now, my grades are shit. They were never that good to begin with, but despite my attempts to be more diligent, and turning in work that I've missed and trying my best (which admittedly could be better) they still remain wallowing in the tar-pits of below C average. Because the second my homework seems to be too much, I quit. No questions asked. I can't handle even thinking about it, lest I burst into tears about my impending failure. It's not so much that I don't care about my grades, it's more that if I acknowledge that I care, I'm sure I'd have to find my self a pleasant psyche ward to spend a few months in. And my mother seems determined to help me find one, with her constantly rubbing them in my face. I'm terrified of my future. I feel as though my life is a ship sinking faster than the you can say 'failure' and all I can see is fryer grease closing over my head, swallowing up any sweet vision of success I ever had.
To add to the pile, I have a vanity problem as well. I have a bald spot. It's doubled in size since I found it on Wednesday. And it means that colouring my hair is a huge no-no unless I want to go balder than baby's ass. Having coloured hair was my one sure claim to alt-hood. With that gone? I'm just another washed up goth kid who gave up of their style. I never got to do white hair, or red hair, or peach and purple hair, or green hair again. I never got to achieve my rainbow. And I don't know if I ever will. This fact makes me want to cry. I want to cry so hard I can't talk for the rest of the day. I love my colourful hair. But I can't get it unless I bleach my head, and if I do that... there won't be anything left to dye. It makes me so mad that I have to stop, but these horrible bleach blonde things have never once had to reconsider their onslaught of blondness.
But I need to get going, or I'll be late to school. I hope everyone has a better day than I feel I might have.
As of right now, my grades are shit. They were never that good to begin with, but despite my attempts to be more diligent, and turning in work that I've missed and trying my best (which admittedly could be better) they still remain wallowing in the tar-pits of below C average. Because the second my homework seems to be too much, I quit. No questions asked. I can't handle even thinking about it, lest I burst into tears about my impending failure. It's not so much that I don't care about my grades, it's more that if I acknowledge that I care, I'm sure I'd have to find my self a pleasant psyche ward to spend a few months in. And my mother seems determined to help me find one, with her constantly rubbing them in my face. I'm terrified of my future. I feel as though my life is a ship sinking faster than the you can say 'failure' and all I can see is fryer grease closing over my head, swallowing up any sweet vision of success I ever had.
To add to the pile, I have a vanity problem as well. I have a bald spot. It's doubled in size since I found it on Wednesday. And it means that colouring my hair is a huge no-no unless I want to go balder than baby's ass. Having coloured hair was my one sure claim to alt-hood. With that gone? I'm just another washed up goth kid who gave up of their style. I never got to do white hair, or red hair, or peach and purple hair, or green hair again. I never got to achieve my rainbow. And I don't know if I ever will. This fact makes me want to cry. I want to cry so hard I can't talk for the rest of the day. I love my colourful hair. But I can't get it unless I bleach my head, and if I do that... there won't be anything left to dye. It makes me so mad that I have to stop, but these horrible bleach blonde things have never once had to reconsider their onslaught of blondness.
But I need to get going, or I'll be late to school. I hope everyone has a better day than I feel I might have.
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