Today was probably one of the worst first days I've ever had. Most of the people were asses to me, or behind my back. And I have one class with a friend in it. Something tells me I am really not going to have a good year this year. It's the first time I've noticed how hostile other students are, and I have no one in my classes to give me some support. My teachers seem alright, and I'm excited to learn, but I don't want to do it in such a monument to closed-minded, step-in-line, photocopy student body mentality. I've never had to deal with bullying before, and I don't know what to do other than the stupid strategies they gave in elementary school. Yeah that's right, the last time we ever had some worth-while student body togetherness building was in elementary school. But hey, no one like me back then either.
One thing that struck me as funny, in my worst class, math (what a surprise) in the hall there's one of those generic "Be different and unique!!!" Posters and all I could think was "But not too different! We just simply won't accept that!" I'm just so pissed because I forgot how terrible people are. I shed my skin of expectation that everyone already doesn't like me when I actually needed it. My mistake, I thought people might be a little more understanding now that I've been around for a few years, but I should have just kept up my normal barriers.
This is not helped by my hormones allowing me to feel emotion recently. I cried twice today. First time trying to finish my homework on a glitching computer, and the second just a little while ago just because. It started out because of something stupid, I took too long of a nap. (which for the record, I really dislike naps) And then I just kept remembering things. I remembered my dad and what he did, I remembered Nic, I thought about how unaccepting people are, I saw my face in the mirror and felt so insecure. I just cried. For a good twenty minutes I was on my floor sobbing. Every time it seemed like I might be able to stop, something in my head would whisper Dad or Nic and I'd just fall to pieces again.
Bring it the fuck on school-year. I've got all my hurt feelings locked in a box waiting to be used for rage fuel. I thought I was overreacting and that people were nicer than I thought. I suppose that will teach me to expect the best from people.
One thing that struck me as funny, in my worst class, math (what a surprise) in the hall there's one of those generic "Be different and unique!!!" Posters and all I could think was "But not too different! We just simply won't accept that!" I'm just so pissed because I forgot how terrible people are. I shed my skin of expectation that everyone already doesn't like me when I actually needed it. My mistake, I thought people might be a little more understanding now that I've been around for a few years, but I should have just kept up my normal barriers.
This is not helped by my hormones allowing me to feel emotion recently. I cried twice today. First time trying to finish my homework on a glitching computer, and the second just a little while ago just because. It started out because of something stupid, I took too long of a nap. (which for the record, I really dislike naps) And then I just kept remembering things. I remembered my dad and what he did, I remembered Nic, I thought about how unaccepting people are, I saw my face in the mirror and felt so insecure. I just cried. For a good twenty minutes I was on my floor sobbing. Every time it seemed like I might be able to stop, something in my head would whisper Dad or Nic and I'd just fall to pieces again.
Bring it the fuck on school-year. I've got all my hurt feelings locked in a box waiting to be used for rage fuel. I thought I was overreacting and that people were nicer than I thought. I suppose that will teach me to expect the best from people.
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