FINALLY this Kendra thing seems to finally be getting resolved, I mean oh my goodness, how much drama has this girl caused me in the past two years? First there was the whole crush thing then the whole annoying as hecks thing, and the the avoiding deal. But I finally manned up and told her what was what. Though I am making myself sound more confident than I actually was. What happened was she messaged me on gaia, and I'll just post the whole exchange here:
Kendra: There's something different between us as of late. What seems to be the matter?
Me: To be completely honest with you, Kendra, I am tired of being around you. You are more often then not, negative, and when you aren't negative you're often obnoxious; talking about how obscure your japanese music is, or how lame people who show interest in your art are. And I simply didn't want to deal with it any more. You won't let anyone help you with your problems, no matter how many helpful suggestions they make. You obviously are extremely insecure and dislike yourself, yet you are constantly dragging your personal life into the spot-light. I mentioned having sushi for dinner and you go on a rant about how terrible your mother is. I'm not going to tell you what your home-life is like, because I don't know, but your constant "My Life is Worse Than Your's" game gets very old, very fast.
Not to mention the emotional game you played with me early on in our "relationship." I'd being lying if I said I didn't once have very strong feelings for you. But you let your parents and lord knows what else keep you from anything more then flirting, and that hurt me deeply. Any feelings I once had for you are now gone, know that. It took me a long time to move on, but I'm glad I did. So, yes, something has changed between us. I don't want to continue any sort of connection with you, but I've been unable to put it into words at school. Though it's not my place to say so, Scout and I have been talking and she feels the same way. If you feel you need more closure or more reasons than given here, feel free to confront me, or Scout at school and I will do my best to clarify exactly how I feel.&I don't wish you any harm or sadness, I just no longer wish to be connected with you.
Kendra: Thank you for being honest with me, Ali.
I don't expect to make you rethink anything, but I honestly didn't know that I hurt you. I am blind to things a lot, it seems. And for that, I am truly sorry. I am not asking for forgiveness, I just want you to know that I never intended to hurt you. I wasn't trying to play a game. I didn't even know that your feelings for me were that strong for me, honestly, although I should've picked up on it, looking back. I still care for you, Ali. You're wonderful. And if not wanting to be connected with me is what you want, then I'll cater to your wish. I want you to be happy. I was wrong and stupid, Ali. I don't want to "confront" you, as you said. You've done nothing wrong. I just think this would've gone more smoothly had you been more up-front about it. But as I have said, I am glad that you were completely honest with me. Thank you and I'm sorry.
~~~
So that's all that. She hasn't talked to me at school, which has been pleasant, but despite my mentioning Scout, Kendra doesn't seem to understand that she (scout) doesn't want her around either. I think the only thing for it for Scout to make her boundaries clear as well, but I can understand why she hasn't yet. Being cold is difficult, especially for people like her and I who aren't used to being forceful. .3.
Oh and a few of the lines in Kendra's reply pissed me off... like the whole "you've done nothing wrong" bit. Because of course I haven't done anything wrong and I don't need you telling me that. It almost seems like she's trying to make herself seem... "holier than thou"which is a laughable term considering she used to tell us that she's really an angel; she spewed all this bull about cults and worshiping things and re-birth or someshit like that. Honestly I think she made the whole thing up because she can't stand to think that she might actually be just a normal teenage girl, and that her parents aren't really her parents, her life that she's living isn't her only reality, that she's something beyond this world, beyond humanity. Like in Martian Boy, if you ever saw/read it. The little orphan kid pretends he's an alien because being an orphan sucks. (I would imagine)
Ugh. But hopefully that's the last you'll ever have to read about her. On to other stuff.
State testing is finally over, which means real life is going to start punching me in the face again. I couldn't keep any of the long-term assignments we had over testing in my head so there are a handful of zeros to toss onto the pile. My few good grades are getting worse because of one or two assignments that I completely forgot about, but I've beaten the dead horse that is my inaptitude for school quite a bit, so I think I'll leave it be for a while.
Rehearsal for Fiorello has been going well, aside from all of the crazy amounts of drama and Jared somehow thinking that being within punching radius is okay now. He better watch the frack out, because so help me if he tries anything, anything at ALL, I'll finally kick a guy in the nads. Or at least I'll slap the shite out of him.... goddamn creeper.
SO hooray for life and stuff.
Kendra: There's something different between us as of late. What seems to be the matter?
Me: To be completely honest with you, Kendra, I am tired of being around you. You are more often then not, negative, and when you aren't negative you're often obnoxious; talking about how obscure your japanese music is, or how lame people who show interest in your art are. And I simply didn't want to deal with it any more. You won't let anyone help you with your problems, no matter how many helpful suggestions they make. You obviously are extremely insecure and dislike yourself, yet you are constantly dragging your personal life into the spot-light. I mentioned having sushi for dinner and you go on a rant about how terrible your mother is. I'm not going to tell you what your home-life is like, because I don't know, but your constant "My Life is Worse Than Your's" game gets very old, very fast.
Not to mention the emotional game you played with me early on in our "relationship." I'd being lying if I said I didn't once have very strong feelings for you. But you let your parents and lord knows what else keep you from anything more then flirting, and that hurt me deeply. Any feelings I once had for you are now gone, know that. It took me a long time to move on, but I'm glad I did. So, yes, something has changed between us. I don't want to continue any sort of connection with you, but I've been unable to put it into words at school. Though it's not my place to say so, Scout and I have been talking and she feels the same way. If you feel you need more closure or more reasons than given here, feel free to confront me, or Scout at school and I will do my best to clarify exactly how I feel.&I don't wish you any harm or sadness, I just no longer wish to be connected with you.
Kendra: Thank you for being honest with me, Ali.
I don't expect to make you rethink anything, but I honestly didn't know that I hurt you. I am blind to things a lot, it seems. And for that, I am truly sorry. I am not asking for forgiveness, I just want you to know that I never intended to hurt you. I wasn't trying to play a game. I didn't even know that your feelings for me were that strong for me, honestly, although I should've picked up on it, looking back. I still care for you, Ali. You're wonderful. And if not wanting to be connected with me is what you want, then I'll cater to your wish. I want you to be happy. I was wrong and stupid, Ali. I don't want to "confront" you, as you said. You've done nothing wrong. I just think this would've gone more smoothly had you been more up-front about it. But as I have said, I am glad that you were completely honest with me. Thank you and I'm sorry.
~~~
So that's all that. She hasn't talked to me at school, which has been pleasant, but despite my mentioning Scout, Kendra doesn't seem to understand that she (scout) doesn't want her around either. I think the only thing for it for Scout to make her boundaries clear as well, but I can understand why she hasn't yet. Being cold is difficult, especially for people like her and I who aren't used to being forceful. .3.
Oh and a few of the lines in Kendra's reply pissed me off... like the whole "you've done nothing wrong" bit. Because of course I haven't done anything wrong and I don't need you telling me that. It almost seems like she's trying to make herself seem... "holier than thou"which is a laughable term considering she used to tell us that she's really an angel; she spewed all this bull about cults and worshiping things and re-birth or someshit like that. Honestly I think she made the whole thing up because she can't stand to think that she might actually be just a normal teenage girl, and that her parents aren't really her parents, her life that she's living isn't her only reality, that she's something beyond this world, beyond humanity. Like in Martian Boy, if you ever saw/read it. The little orphan kid pretends he's an alien because being an orphan sucks. (I would imagine)
Ugh. But hopefully that's the last you'll ever have to read about her. On to other stuff.
State testing is finally over, which means real life is going to start punching me in the face again. I couldn't keep any of the long-term assignments we had over testing in my head so there are a handful of zeros to toss onto the pile. My few good grades are getting worse because of one or two assignments that I completely forgot about, but I've beaten the dead horse that is my inaptitude for school quite a bit, so I think I'll leave it be for a while.
Rehearsal for Fiorello has been going well, aside from all of the crazy amounts of drama and Jared somehow thinking that being within punching radius is okay now. He better watch the frack out, because so help me if he tries anything, anything at ALL, I'll finally kick a guy in the nads. Or at least I'll slap the shite out of him.... goddamn creeper.
SO hooray for life and stuff.
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