And really bad at talking to kids. I thought she had a degree in child psychology? Shouldn't that mean she can make students motivated to do work? All she makes me motivated in doing is physically and mentally abusing myself over how much of a failure I am. It's a good thing I don't bruise easy, or else I would have big palm-heel marks on my fore-head all the time, from how much I hit myself when I can't remember things properly, or forget things all together. Probably not helping the whole terrible memory situation.
And in the midst of self-loathing there is also a period of feeling the need to run away, it's a very strong need. Now that I have my emergency exit out the basement window, I fancy I might flee more often. And I can get around my neighborhood pretty well now. I guess since I've mastered my block and the park, it's time to branch out to the houses behind and to the side of me. I imagine this will require more trespassing through people's yards and more fence climbing. I need the learn how to climb fences. I need to learn how to run away, if I can't fight. At the very least. But it would be nice to learn how to fight to. Not match-fighting, with rules and poses and shite, but a mix between self-defense and street fighting. And not that pansy step-by-step self defense. Like the self defense catwoman learns in the mini-series where she's a hooker. That seems yanno... useful.
*sigh* I guess I just have a lot of feeling of needing to escape right now. I want to spar with kelsey. Like this one time when I was over at her house and we were running around actually playing make believe for the first time in like... years. And then we got in a play fight and my fighting instincts kicked in when she had me in a hold. It wasn't a very good hold granted, because my elbow was free. And that was all my brain needed to know. Without really thinking I elbowed her almost as hard as I could. It worked, she got off me. I think she actually fell back and doubled over. And kelsey is pretty tough. I mean, she can take round house kicks to the head. If she can do that one would think an elbow wouldn't be too bad.
Urg, I'm getting antsy just writing about being trapped. That's one things I have going for me at least, when I'm in a corner I'll fight like hell to get out of it, no matter who they are. Yaaaaaaay for copious amounts of bottled fury and my incapability to direct it to places other than violeeence! I swear if I weren't so afraid of killing myself I would cut or something. I already kind of do, without breaking skin. For example, I bite the inside of my cheeks or dig my nails into my thumbs when I have a lot of emotion. It's kind of like a leash, so that I don't just flip out. If I were less mellow, I would be a very violent person, I'd be the girl that getting into legit fights and the little kid that would torture small animals when feeling angry or sad. Whatever made me in a perpetually stoned state, I thank it more or less... sometimes. Meh. I suppose I should go embarrass myself with the voice thread some more. *peace symbol*
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